In a damp and deserted cottage,1
Stands a lone four-paned window.2
Stained with deceit and grief,3
Cracked with time and age.4
A dismal light appears in a single pane5
Reflecting off the cracked walls.6
The once hue-filled wallpaper,7
Cheerful and bright,8
Now faded gray,9
Cheerless and starless,10
Peeling at its edges.11
Pictures and chalk drawings12
Once crowded and overlapped these walls.13
Now stained and warped14
Lay on the weathered floorboards.15
Opening a splintered and worn door,16
The brick rust hinges groan in protest.17
The floor creaking under each silent footfall.18
Ancient, rusty nails stick out19
Like statues in an overgrown flower garden.20
Wild crab grass grows through the floorboards,21
Like shag green carpet.22
A single yellow bulb23
Hangs from a frayed cord overhead.24
The door swings open,25
Like an infant's fingers.26
Moonlight engulfs the depressing room.27
Every corner brightens28
With golden moon rays.29
Paper, once again, light and color filled.30
New memories to cover these walls,31
In the locked and secret room.32
Laughter and love surround me33
In my reawakened mind.34
Your love and image fill my 35
Secret Room36
Author notes
edited 2/20/08
In a list
A contest entry
- WRITE ME A LOVE STORY OR POEM. by robert davidson.
175 points, ended March 25, 2007, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Descriptions!!! Give me a story/poem with lots of Descriptions!!! by Forgotten Anomaly.
450 points, ended February 22, 2008, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Another winner in my book. You seem to have got the hang of writing poems. Keep it in the contest. Good on you for giving it a go. Hope you win.
Julie
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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I'm not usually a big reader of poetry, but I have to say I really enjoyed this. Your description was intense and heavily detailed, but with an excellent flow, and you seem to pick up on all of the little things that make up the scene.
"Stained with deceit and grief,
Cracked with time and age."
I loved these two lines, even though they are brief they seem to put across such a rich picture. They also fit together so well.
I have no critique, a very enjoyable read!
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I don't write much poetry either, so when something comes out its a surprise
I'm glad you liked it and those two line were some of my favorites. I also like
Ancient, rusty nails stick out
Like statues in an overgrown flower garden
Thanks again for reading.
Brooke
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Well Done!!
There dwells a great source of descriptive intelligence inside your 'secret room'. A library of life. Complete with pictures and feelings.
I myself have my own 'secret room'. The items may be different...(no chalk drawings, and more than one lone bul
but the view is much the same.
This is a superb piece of work. Absolutely!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Isn't that the truth. All memories are locked in one room or another.
Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Brooke
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I watched a dreary, lonely room reemerge as bright happy place when it filled with love.
Hi Brooke, poems it is this week and that leaves me at a disadvantage. I have noooo expertise when it comes to poetry.
Half the time I have trouble deciphering what the poet is attempting to say—sigh. Surprisingly this isn’t the case here.
I watched a dreary, lonely room reemerge as bright happy place when it filled with love.
Geri
Now I assume even in lyrics the tense should be maintained? But I maybe be wrong.
Just so you know it’s me —I pointed out a few things.
Hangs from a frayed cord over head.(overhead)
Like an infants (infant’s) fingers.
Moonlight engulfs the depressing room.
Every corner brightened (brightens)
beginning: 5, ending: 5.
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Thank you for pointing those out and yes you are right, even poems stood stay with the same tense.
I will fix those now.
Brooke
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This is a well written piece. I could envision myself within the walls and felt like it was going to collapse on me any minute. The room seemed to have been definitely used very often. I like your description as it was quite clear. Nice work.
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Thanks. I sometimes think that I go overboard with me description
Again thanks
Brooke
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Wonderful
This is a very well writen, and descriptive peice. You described things wonderfully, and told a story. This defenetly fits into my contest well.
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Thank you so very much
Brooke
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Excellent
Hi Brooke,
This is a very nice poem! You did a wonderful job. I like how you expressed yourself. Your details were powerful and moving!
Lynn
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks Lynn. I wrote it at a time when my life was turning around after a really and I mean really bad relationship
Thanks again.
Brooke
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Nicely done.
Great imagery throughout, both of what is now and what once was.
A nice reminder that new light shone upon forgotten thoughts can rekindle their memory.
Congrats on the win.
Greg
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Thanks Greg. I wrote this in my twenties. Oh so very long ago
Brooke
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Oooooh, a secret room ^.^ Well, I understood it all, but i am still debating on what crab grass is o.o lol, anyway nice job ^.^
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Crabgrass is just a type of grass that has a long stem with leaves or foliage at the end. It takes over and isn't very pretty.
Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment.
~*Brooke*~
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wow
great job i like this alot your deserve the gold globlet
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Thank you for the wonderful comment. Thanks for reading.
~*Brooke*~
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wow. u deserved the gold that you got. gj. and nice metaphor of how your mind is like room.
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Thanks for the wonderful comments and I was so blown away about the gold. I love thinking that the mind is like a series of rooms. It helps me remember day to day stuff. lol
Thanks again.
~*Brooke*~
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excellent
Beautiful. I feel your secret room superbly relects the Inner You. thank you for entering my contest.
Robert Davidson.
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Wow! Great descriptions! =)
You explain this secret room very well
Is it a real room though, or just a metaphor?
(Sorry if that's a totally stupid question
)
Love how you depicted this withered place of old memories, very well written!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 5.
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Thanks for the kind words and for taking the time to read this.
I read somewhere that a mind is like rooms. Some door are shut and some are open. So it was a metaphor. And that wasn't a stupid question.
Again thanks for the read.
~*Brooke*~
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the title.. reminded me of Johnny Depp's movie, Secret Window =D
Wah... you are like the master of descriptions x.x I felt like I was walking through that secret room, looking at the "barren" place and remembering how some furniture and things once adorned those walls and space. *claps*
"Secret room" reminded me of the mind (is it a symbolism of the mind? ) It has this.. nostalgic air, bittersweet, in the way that most memories are The nice thing with memories is that we have something to look back on... the bad side of memories is that we have something to look back on, even if we don't want to (I am a senti-MENTAL escapist )
I am not a fan of broken down homes and places, but you've described it in a way that I actually think I MIGHT go here and write IF this place actually existed ^_^ the green carpet might feel wonderful on bare feet ^_^ Oh, and the ending, wow... how the moonlight filtered in and just lit everything up was magic
I greatly enjoyed reading this, Brooke! ^_^ Thank you for sharing this with us!
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Yes this is the mind. I once read, many, many, many years ago (for I am ancient), that 'the mind is like a series of rooms'. And sometimes a key is fitted into a door and it unlocks a hidden room. A room that we have forgotten was there. One we had buried. So when something happens, like a new love, somewhere a room is being unlocked, unburied. We then have two choices we can either let the memories of past relationships taint this new relationship or we can begin again. We all have baggage, but we choose to do with that baggage is what makes us different.
Thanks for the kind words and for taking the time to read this.
~*Brooke*~ -
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Wah.. that is a nice insight, about the room and the keys... I shall keep that in mind, and try to make do with the baggages Thank YOU for writing this!
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Good
Makes perfect sense to me, very vivid, I can practically see the room
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Thank you for your kinds words. I wrote this like ten years ago before I met my husband. Very bad place to be in. I don't really like to write depressing poems, but hey sometimes you just do. lol
Again thanks for the read and the comment.
~*Brooke*~
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