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A grizzled old man lay in a heap of rags in the shelter of a florist's shop door. 2
His sleeping body was what the florist discovered that morning.3
He delivered a kick to the bundle; illiciting a groan from beneath the pile.4
"Up with you now and be off, I can't have riffraff hanging around here during business hours."5
The old man struggled to a seated position and painfully rose up on one knee. After taking a few wheezing breaths he gripped the walls of the entryway and made it to his feet and staggered a few steps. 6
The florist looked upon him with disgust and kicked his rags away from the door.7
The aged one, supported by the wall of the building, bent to gather them. He picked them up and shuffled away muttering softly.8
A lady dressed in a business suit crossed the street as he approached, carefully averting her eyes from his gaunt figure and uncomfortable presence. After he had passed, she crossed back and entered the florist's shop.9
"Those awful people, why do they have to pollute our neighborhood with their stench? Honestly, that man ought to be put out of his misery."10
"Sure," the florist laughed, "let's make it a law, euthanize the homeless and improve the economy and our property values, not to mention that it'd be doing them a favour." 11
He shook his head, still chuckling, "Na, it'd never pass. There's too many of them religious freaks out there that'd keep it off the ballot for sure. Anyway, what'll it be, Ma'am?"12
After making her purchase, the lady stepped out onto the sidewalk and looked both ways to avoid the dirty man. He was no where to be seen. She shrugged her shoulders and murmered to herself, "Well they obviously go somplace during the day."13
Jenna Joslyn14
Author notes
Go ahead and tear my story to pieces. I'm looking for constructive criticism and I promise you; I can take it.
This story dapples in spiritual/societal issues.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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You know what? I think the best part of this whole piece is the fact that you didn't water down the ending. No one changed their mind, no one stepped up and shouted at the horrid characters or tried to change their shallow, shabby ways. It is unfortunately an all to accurate account of real life.
blessings
mystic voice
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Great illustration of one of my key philosophies of life. It is for the individual to exercise compassion, and the government to exercise justice. Thanks for the prod to not grow weary in well-doing.
Jennifer -
Excellent view at some of today's socio/economic issues . You did a great job describing the mindset of others...for example the shopkeeper and the customer .......Maybe the second line could be changed around just a little so it would sort of read right into the first one ....maybe " the florist almost tripped over the sleeping figure as he came to open the shop in the morning " This is only an opinion , and the rest of the write makes up for this line that seemed abit choppy,
Reenie
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It is hard to swallow that so many feel like this "upity" woman does. My heart cries out for the homeless and less fortunate. It's the rich snobs that could one day be snubbed by the Creator. A wonderful message within your words.
Sam
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Pete; you're welcome to finish it for me. Your ideas have more of a plot than mine.
Absinthe
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OH I like this it smacks of blind eyes to angels. I could see where this could be developed into a real tear jerker when the florist found out it was his older brother that was given up for adoption at birth, and that bundle of rags holds a family picture, the bums only treasure. The full story could cover a horrible abusive childhood for his bother living on the street, with a devine revolation for both at the end. Looks like it will take about 400 or 500 hundred pages.........get cracken I want to read the whole thing. LOL
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I know it was three paragraphs. I just couldn't help myself. Thanks for holding this contest anyway. It inspired me to write and when I get going, I find it hard to stop.
Absinthe
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very good
No need to tear apart anything here. You have painted a very stark image, added wonderful conversation (something all my stories lack) and have written the best story I have read so far in this competition.
Well done.
John -
This is quite good. Though it was a bit long, in this there were 3 paragraphs... I only wanted 1 paragraph...
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