Anna

Jade Lopez sat on the lawn outside of her apartment building with her cup of hot coffee. The wind whipped playfully around her, just enough to make her cold. She wrapped her blanket around her a little more tightly, but she was used to the cold. On bright fall days, Jade often relaxed outside and thought.

That day, she was thinking about her neighbor, Anna.

Anna lived across the street in one of the smart apartment buildings that lined their neighborhood. She had moved in a few years ago, and the moment Jade had seen her, there had been magic. There was something so soft and beautiful about her—the way her green eyes sparkled when she smiled and the cotton-candy pink of her cheeks when she blushed. Jade couldn’t put her out of her mind.

They had spent a little bit of time together, which was inevitable because there were only a few twenty-year-old women in their neighborhood. It was mainly a hideaway for washed-up actresses and old, wealthy couples with no children. If you wanted a good times, you would have to go into town to one of the few bars, and Jade had never been much of a bar hopper. She preferred to spend Friday nights at her friend Lori’s house, which was where she had first met Anna. From then on, they had nodded whenever they had passed one another, but Jade had always wanted something more. She had always wanted Anna.

Jade sighed a little and shook her head to clear her thoughts. She would never get Anna, she knew. There were too many problems. Not only didn’t they know one another, but they were both women. Jade had never been attracted to another woman, at least not to the degree that she was attracted to Anna. Not that her need for Anna was purely physical. With Anna, there had always been something to talk about, to laugh about. She never felt ill-at-ease with Anna.

She shivered and rubbed her feet quickly for a moment before gathering up her blanket and folding it. She stood, deciding that it was too cold to be outside anymore. As she was heading back to her building, she heard the sharp click of heels on the sidewalk behind her, and she turned. Spotting Anna, her pulse quickened and she took an instinctive step in her direction.

Anna’s dark hair swirled around her face, caught in the breeze. Her pale skin was flushed from the cold and she had her arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Her head was down but just as she had her hand on the doorknob of her door, she saw Jade. Jade quickly averted her eyes, not wanting to be caught staring, but Anna’s hand dropped from the door and she walked purposefully in Jade’s direction.

‘I love her,’ Jade thought suddenly as she met Anna’s bright green eyes, and a little gasp escaped her. Love? They barely knew one another. Jade couldn’t possibly love her. She tried to put that thought from her mind, but it was no use. It stuck and she knew it was true. She loved her, as strange as it was. They were practically complete strangers, but Jade had never felt so strongly for anyone.

Anna waved as she walked up to her, but Jade continued to stare down at the thinning grass. Her friend looked at her with concern and placed a hand on her shoulder, “Jade, are you okay?” she asked. “You look lost.”

“What?” Jade squeaked, startled. Her head snapped up. She opened her mouth quickly, realizing how strange she must look, and then assured her friend, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry. I'm fine, Anna. I’m okay.”

But she wasn’t okay. She bit her lip, panic turning in her stomach as she realized that she had to tell Anna how she felt. Jade was a practical woman and she knew that something like unrequited, secret love would tear her up inside. She didn’t know how she would go about doing it, but she knew that she had to.

“Jade, are you sure you’re fine? You look like you’re in a daze,” said Anna, smiling at Jade sweetly.

“I'm fine,” Jade told her. “Don’t worry about me. I’m just a little out of it today.”

“We all have our off days,” Anna agreed. “Jade, I know we aren’t that close, but you would tell me if there was something wrong. Wouldn’t you?”

Jade nodded but there was something in the way that Anna had said those words that had made Jade feel guilty. She knew that Anna had only meant that she was concerned about her, and she knew that what she was keeping to herself wasn’t dangerous, but she still felt like a liar for hiding something from sweet Anna.

Anna didn’t suspect a thing, though, and was quite satisfied with Jade’s answer. “Alright, I’ll see you later then,” Anna said and turned away from her. Before she’d taken even the first step away, Jade felt herself reach out and touch Anna’s shoulder. A pleasurable shock went through her, but she didn’t have time to bask in the feeling.

Anna looked back at her, puzzlement clear on her face. Jade blushed and hurried to explain herself before she looked even weirder. “I—uh, actually Anna, I was wondering if you want to come over tonight? We don’t spend nearly enough time together. And there’s something I need to talk to you about, if you can spare a while.”

“I’d like that,” Anna said slowly. “I really would.”

She wasn’t able to keep a happy smile from her face. “Really? Great. How about—um, seven?”

“Sounds good,” Anna agreed. “See you then.”

They said their goodbyes and Jade headed back into her building and up the stairs. She unlocked her door and headed into her little one room apartment, looking around unhappily. She had never liked that apartment. It was too dark, too depressing, and Jade wasn’t particularly dark or depressing herself. It didn’t fit her and it never would. She knew it would be ridiculous to attempt to make the place look homier, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t tidy up. Anna had never been to her apartment before and she didn’t want to look like a slob.

As she cleaned, she thought. She thought about Anna, about Anna’s little looks, her blushes, the way she always seemed to find a way to touch Jade. Maybe—just maybe—it was possible that Anna liked her too, that she had a shot, and if she had a shot, she knew that she had to go for it. She gathered up some dirty dishes from her table and dumped them into her already full sink, and then she soaped them up and scrubbed them one by one.

Eventually, Jade couldn’t find anything else to clean, and she decided it was time to tidy herself up. This was more of a challenge, at least in Jade’s opinion. She stood, undressed, in front of her full-length mirror. She wasn’t ugly—she knew that. She was relatively thin, and she had nice skin and pretty features. But she’d never really learned to dress herself up. So many friends had told her what a beautiful girl she was, but she’d never really believed them. That disbelief now stared her full in the face as she stared at herself.

It was approaching seven already by the time she was dressed. She’d picked a short purple number that complimented her figure and heels that made her legs look shapely. Her makeup was done up the best that she could manage. Nervousness preyed at her stomach and bit at the back of her mind, but she refused to let it get the best of her. This was something she had to do and she knew it.

She seated herself carefully on her old couch and she waited.

By the time eight o’clock rolled around, Jade was more than a little nervous. She didn’t know whether Anna had decided that she didn’t want to come or if she was too busy or if something was wrong, but none of the options turned out well for her. She stood and began to pace impatiently, feeling awkward and out of place in her dress and heels. Most of all, she felt like an idiot. There was no way that Anna liked her—there never had been. How could she have been so stupid? She felt humiliated.

“Calm down,” she ordered herself, feeling tears sting her eyes as she lowered herself back onto the couch. “Everything will be fine. Don’t get worked up.”

Jade calmed herself down enough to fall into a fitful sleep. It was a knock on the door that awoke her later and she opened her eyes with a groan. Her head felt heavy and fuzzy, and she glanced at the clock that hung over her television. It was past eleven. She stood and smoothed down her hair and dress, and then she headed to the door. She expected Anna to be there when she opened it. She just didn’t know what to say when she saw her.

But it wasn’t Anna. It was Lori. Immediately, Jade was worried because Lori was in her bedclothes and her eyes were puffy and red with tears. Jade had never before seen Lori unkempt because Lori was the type of person that never let anyone see her at anything less than her best. Jade was unnerved to catch her looking so small and vulnerable.

“Can I come in?” Lori asked, and her voice cracked. Jade nodded quickly and Lori pushed passed her into the apartment. She stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, hugging herself.

“Listen,” she said. “There’s something I need to tell you Jade. You need to sit down.”

“Oh god. What’s happened, Lori? You look awful.” Jade curled herself up on her couch and braced herself for the bad news. Anna was already gone from her mind in her worry for Lori and she looked up at her friend in expectant sadness.

“I know how much you cared for Anna, Jade, and being both of your friend, there’s something that I have to tell you.” She paused, biting her lip. Her eyes welled up again up as she rushed on. “Jade, Anna’s dead. She got caught in a drive-by shootout on her way home from work, and she didn’t make it. I’m so sorry,” she gushed, crying openly now.

Jade’s eyes opened wide and she opened her mouth to reply but no words would come. Finally, she gasped, “What?”

“Oh, Jade,” Lori cried, and she wrapped her in a tight hug.

Jade pushed her away and shook her head frantically. “No! It isn’t true. I just saw her a few hours ago and this is a nice neighborhood. People don’t get shot here! Why are you doing this to me, Lori? Why are you lying to me?”

Lori didn’t respond, didn’t argue. Instead she met Jade’s eyes and held her gaze. Jade felt herself melt and, finally, begin to cry.

“How could that be?” she moaned. “How could she be dead?”

Lori held her and stayed with her until she had calmed down, and then she left, telling Jade to call her if she needed her. Jade wouldn’t, though. She knew that Lori was hurting too and it wouldn’t be fair.

Before she’d gone, Lori had turned to Jade and held out a crumpled piece of paper. “Here,” she said. “The police found this in her hand and they released it to me. I thought that you should have it.”

Jade was holding that paper when she finally picked herself off of the couch and stood in front of the mirror for the second time that night. She looked terrible. Her dress was wrinkled and her eyes were just as red as Lori’s had been. Her face was streaked with tears and her mascara had run. She looked down at the paper in her hands and unfolded it. She took a deep breath and read aloud, “Dear Jade. I love you—I know it’s weird, but I always have, and I thought you should know. I’m putting this in your mailbox now because I don’t know how to tell you face to face, but if you think there’s some way that you might possibly feel anything for me too, can you please come over to my apartment at seven? I know we agreed to meet at your place, but I need to know how you feel. I’ll understand completely if you never want to see me again, but please at least consider me. Yours, Anna.”

After Jade read the note, she broke down again, falling to the floor and sobbing until she literally felt like she’d been torn apart. She felt empty and alone, destroyed by the knowledge that she’d had a chance, that she’d always had a chance if she’d just let go of her inhibitions. And now it was too late. Anna was gone and all Jade had left of her was a note. She’d never felt so broken.

Eventually she’d cried herself out and she stared at that piece of paper, feeling it call to her, implore her. It wanted an answer, a response, and Jade felt that it deserved it. Anna deserved it. She mustered up all her feelings and all her strength and she said, “Anna, all I can say now is that I love you.”