Charlie.

I take so many pills now; I don’t remember what they are all called. But I’ll never forget what they are for. The yellow one is for the pain. I take four a day now, where I used to take two. The red one is for the nightmares. Oh god, let me tell you about the nightmares. They started when I was eight.

My parents were good Christian people. They went to church every Sunday, and my older brother and I would go to Sunday school too. My brother was the coolest and smartest person I ever knew. And he was only a few years older than me. He was thirteen but, shit, he knew a lot. He was always asking Reverend Golding questions; really cool fucking questions about why God made a talking snake to tell Eve about the apple, and how Noah managed to get two of every creature on earth into a boat and stuff like that. Smart Alec, the Rev. called him. He sure was smart, but I never got that. His name was Tommy. Not Alec. I get it now of course, I’m much older now. But I was eight for God’s sake, and dumb as shit too.

One day I went to the church to talk to Jesus. I know, I know, my brother had tried to tell me what a load of bullshit it was, but I was eight God damn it, I still believed the crap mom and dad and Reverend Golding and Miss Alexander my second grade teacher told me. Tommy was smart, but they were older and smarter. And Jesus was born in a stable. And Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins. And if you ever felt sad or lonely you had to tell Him, and He would do whatever He could to help you. And you always have to write His pronoun with a capital letter. He. Him. The Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour. So I went to the church which wasn’t far from our house stood looking up at the mural of Jesus on the cross.

“Jesus,” I said, “I want you to help my brother Tommy. He is really very smart but he is never very happy. I know that he won’t come here to ask you for help himself, that is why I am here. I want you to help him, please.”

If Tommy knew I was asking Jesus to help him, he would kick my ass but it’s okay, because I know Jesus will forgive him in the end. I was eight and didn’t know a lot, but Tommy was like my idol. At the time, I was naive and just wanted Jesus and him to get along.

Next Sunday at Sunday school, Tommy was really quiet. He didn’t ask any questions, he just sat there, with his head down. Reverend Golding was telling us the story of Moses and the parting of the Red Sea, when he saved the Israelites from the Egyptians. Tommy didn’t even question the physics of such a feat. Once we were dismissed, Tommy was the first one to get up out of his seat and race outside. I ran after him and asked him what was wrong. He told me to fuck off and leave him alone. I was pretty upset by this because my brother and I were best friends. Maybe he knew about the prayer.

That wasn’t how the nightmares started, by the way; I just wanted to tell you a little bit about my family. They were really good Christian people. And really good Christian people like mom and dad and Reverend Golding and Miss Alexander my second grade teacher go to Heaven. Tommy, Reverend Golding told me, was going to Hell.

Pretty soon I found out that Reverend Golding was not a good Christian man. And that is how the nightmares started. And at that moment, I stopped believing in God.

My mom had been making Tommy go every day after school for some extra bible classes. I reckoned it was a pretty good idea, but every time Tommy would come back from the Reverend’s house, he would run straight to his room and lock the door. Mom and dad didn’t seem to take any notice. Tommy cried a lot too. The walls are thin in our house, and I could hear him crying at night. Mom and dad didn’t take any notice of that either. Soon I noticed bruises on Tommy arms. And I noticed that once in Sunday school, the Reverend winked at him and Tommy started crying really hard. I was eight for God’s sake so I had no idea what was going on. But it didn’t stop me worrying about Tommy.

One night Tommy came home and he was crying really hard and his clothes were really dirty. I asked what had happened and he ignored me, running straight to his room and locking the door. Dad said he probably got in a scrap with some punks down the street and just to leave it. So I did. I was so fucking naïve. I hate myself for that now.

My parents went out to the theatre that night and left Tommy and I alone. They knew we were pretty good kids, so we didn’t need a babysitter. Tommy had still not left his room, so mom left me in front of the TV watching my cartoons. Not too late, she always said. And I always obeyed her. Always. After about an hour, I micro-waved some popcorn and took it up to Tommy’s room. He loves popcorn, I thought, if this doesn’t cheer him up, nothing will. I knocked on the door with our special brother to brother knocking and let myself in the door.

And there it was; the image that would haunt my sleep for the rest of my life.

Tommy lay still, not breathing. He was bleeding from the wrist and his mouth was foaming a little. I screamed and dropped the popcorn. Fuck the popcorn. I ran to his side. His eyes were far back in his head, and the foam I could now see was vomit. A bottle of my mother’s strong painkillers lay empty on the bed. I stared at him, crying and crying. Screaming out to Jesus to help him. Praying. Dear Lord, please save my brother. Stop his arms from bleeding, clear his lungs of fluid, help him breathe. Amen. I was eight years old God damn it and so scared. I called 911. Save my brother, I screamed. Save him.

It was too late. The ambulance came and the ambulance left with Tommy in a body bag. And my mom cried so hard. And my dad who never cried was wiping his eyes with his handkerchief.

When I dream I dream of Tommy’s lifeless body. I dream of my dad wiping his eyes. I dream of the funeral, and my dad letting it all out. I dream of Reverend Golding winking at me as Tommy was lowered into the grave. I dream of him telling my parents that Tommy was just a very troubled boy. I dream of what really went on at the Reverend’s house at bible class.

Because I would it see it too.