PART ONE: THE BEGINNING...
* this is a complete true story of my own mothers Journey through a life threatening illness. Its from my piont of view explaining the emotions, the images and what nobody ever new! *
A Broken life: A True Story
I’m walking… shaking… scared of what I’ll see next. I entered a large room, with 5-6 closed curtains. The nurse stopped, looks back at me, and then slides open one of the curtains. As I look in I see a frail woman, whose body is far from healthy. Nothing but skin and bones left. Over ten different machines attached to her, I could tell that they were the only thing keeping her alive now. I could hear the beeping of the individual machines and the other unique sounds each one made. The whole surrounding wasn’t very friendly at all. There were other family member there, but they were so far away it was as if they thought they could catch her sickness. Tears ran from everybody’s eyes, but I refused to cry. I knew I was stronger than that! Slowly, after walking closer to her bed and looking deep into her eyes, I saw how empty they really were; then my eyes filled with tears, I was terrified of losing her. But instead of letting the tears flow, I swallowed them back and gave a little smile instead. She smiled back at me and opened her mouth to try to speak and with all of the strength she had, she managed to whisper ever so softly,
“What’s wrong?”
My eyes welled with tears once more but I covered them with that same smile again.
“Nothing” I whispered. It was the only word I could utter. It hurt to lie to her, but I had to prove to her I was strong. I had to show her that her little girl was growing up, and that I would be fine.
I was holding her fragile hand. I could feel each bone, though I’m not sure how well the feeling in her hand was. I didn’t want to let go, I was scared.
I remember the beginning, when this dreadful story began. I was a 14 years old girl who had just finished year nine. I smiled a lot back then; somehow I always found the brighter side of a dark day. Thought I must admit I was ignorant of a lot of things; the yelling, the swearing, all the fighting. I had grown up with it, so I didn’t realise it was bad. At times it upset me to see my whole family fight, but at the end of the day my mum was there, she loved me and that’s something I thought would stay forever. She made things better, showed me the love I really needed. Through all the hard times at school she was there for me, to wipe away the tears.
Three days before Christmas. I had my best friend over, just laughing, having fun, being retards together; that’s what friends do. Then I heard a car door shut, surprised I walked into the lounge room and looked through the large glass doors. My Mum and her parents (my Nanna and Pa) were walking down the pathway into my house. All three of them were large people. Mum was the smallest of them all, and she looked like my Nanna.
I saw Mum smile when she saw me but I could tell something was wrong. Something in her eyes was different. Before I had time to say hello, my Pa walk towards me and snapped,
“Be nice to your mother, she’s got cancer!”
That hurt me a lot, it cut me really deep inside, and has never left me. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do. My friend gave me a hug, but I just put on a brave face. My whole life I had done that, when ever something was wrong I would try to pretend that I was fine. My family always had bigger problems than I, so I let them deal with their’s while my own just ate me alive. That’s the person I was. And it’s the person I will continue to be.
I didn’t know what to do, or how to react, so I got angry. I wanted to yell and scream, but I knew it wasn’t the time or place to. I went into my room and talked to my friend for a while.
“Are you ok? I am so sorry…” she looked as thought she was going to cry.
“Don’t be sorry, it’s her own fault, everybody told her to stop smoking!”
She paused. “Yeah but… Are you sure you’re ok?”
“She’s just a stupid b*tch!”
I needed to blame someone, so I blamed it all on her. Deep down inside, I knew it wasn’t completely her fault. I must admit if she had of stopped smoking when everybody told her to, when I told her to, this wouldn’t have happened at all.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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[Try to maintain the same tense throughout your story or your readers will become confused]
Shaking with fear of what I might see, I walked into a large room, with 5-6 closed curtains. The nurse stopped, looked back at me, and then slid open one of the curtains. As I looked in I saw a frail woman on the hospital bed, whose body appeared to be far from healthy; nothing but skin and bone.. At least ten different machines were attached to her; I could tell that they were the only thing now keeping her alive. I could hear the beeping of one individual machines and the unique sounds made by each of the others. Not a very friendly surrounding at all. There were other family members there, but they were standing back from the bed as if they thought they could catch her sickness.
{I've tried here to put all that happened into the 'past' tense'. Should you want it to be more 'immediate' then try writing it in the 'present tense':
Shaking with fear of what I might see, I walk into a large room, with 5-6 closed curtains. The nurse stops, looks back at me, and then slides open one of the curtains. As I look in I see a frail woman on the hospital bed, whose body appears to be far from healthy; nothing but skin and bone.. At least ten different machines are attached to her; I can tell that they are the only thing now keeping her alive. I can hear the beeping of one individual machines and the unique sounds made by each of the others. Not a very friendly surrounding at all. There are other family members there, but they are standing back from the bed as if they think they might catch her sickness.
[Try to maintain the same tense throughout your story or your readers will become confused]
Shenton
T
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sad, thought provoking.
I empathise with you completely. My mother died from cancer in 2005 and I have difficulty reconciling wih it. I expect we all do, when such things happen. I look at it this way....when a ship sails over the horizon, we can no longer see it, but we know it is there. I know my Mum is still there. God bless her, God bless your mother and God bless you.
A sad story. Shenton has pointed out some editing which is a good idea. I think you should change 'bunny' to doemthing AP will accept because it looks funny at the end of such a sad story. A lot of feeling and emotion.
Richard -
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just to let you know i rote B I T C H but it has automatically changed it lol ill try and change it now. and thanks for the comment
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I've noted several spelling, grammar and punctuat ion errors.
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'I’m walking… Shaking… Scared of what I’ll see next.'
No Caps needed after an ellipsis.
I’m walking...shaking...scared of what I’ll see next.
What are '5-6 closed curtains? are you referring to five or six cutains or to 'almost closed curtains?
'It was as if they thought they could catch it." Catch what?
'I new I was stronger than that!' knew
'I slowly walked closer to her bed and I looked deep into her eyes. I saw how empty they really were. And with that my eyes filled with tears, I was terrified of losing her.'
Slowly, after walking closer to her bed and looking deep into her eyes, I saw how empty they really were; then my eyes filled with tears, I was terrified of losing her.
'My eyes swelled with tears'
My eyes welled with tears
'It’s the only word I would come out my mouth'
It was the only word I could utter
'I had to show her that her little girl was growing up, and that she would be fine'
I had to show her that her little girl was growing up, and that I would be fine.
'Thought I must admit I was ignorant to a lot of things;
Though I must admit I was ignorant of a lot of things;
'bigger problems than me,'
bigger problems than I
'I let them deal with there’s'
I let them deal with theirs
'but I new it'
but I knew it
'I new it wasn’t '
I knew it wasn’t
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Shenton -
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wow thanks for all of that, im going to change it now it means alot... take care
XoXoXoXoX
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