Redmond O’Hanlon an Irish nobleman moved silently through the dark streets of Dublin, making his way to the docks where a ship stood waiting to take him to France. He hated leaving his beloved Ireland, but there was naught to be done for it. Since Ireland lost the war to England, the English king had put out the word to bring him in dead or alive. So with every Englishman about hot on his heels it was the safest route.
A light flickered ahead of him. He quickly ducked inside a doorway. He watched as the light drew nearer until he could just make out the silhouette of a night watchman. “Shit”! He swore and pulled back farther into the shadows of the doorway, praying the watchman would walk by and not notice him.
No sooner had he moved then the watchman’s whistle rang out through the midnight air. Suddenly all was bedlam, the silence turned into a shouting match as his whistle brought dozens of other watchmen to the scene.
Redmond stood in the shadows weighing his possibilities when the watchman with several of his buddies ran right by where he stood hidden. Confused he stuck his head out and saw the watchman chasing after a man in a dark overcoat who apparently had tried to steal someone’s horse. He let out a sigh of relief. They weren’t after him. He stood silently waiting for the crowd to recede before making his move.
Sticking to the shadows he moved carefully through the streets, ducking in and out of doorways keeping out of sight of passersby. Finally the smell of the docks filled his nostrils. He was close to his goal.
“You there” a man’s voice called out from behind him. Redmond stopped and turning he looked to see who called to him. It was another watchman. Panicking Redmond began to run. “Stop” the watchman shouted, but Redmond ran on as fast as his feet would carry him. He wove through more streets taking a route that would not give his destination away. He ran until he thought his legs would give way. When he was sure he’d lost the watchman he turned and headed back toward the docks.
Relief flooded through him as the docks came into view. He made his way to where a small dingy sat moored. He climbed in and began to row out to the ship that lay anchored in the bay. Safety waited only feet away.
“Who goes there”? a voice rang out.
“It is I, O’Hanlon”. He answered as quietly as he could and still be heard.
“He’s made”. The voice cried out in disbelief. “By God he’s made it”.
A rope was let down, he grabbed hold and was hoisted aboard.
“Good to see you, lad”, the owner of the voice pulled him into a fierce hug.
“Good to see you too, uncle”. He returned the embrace relieved to see his uncle too had made it safely.
Together they turned to watch the last sight of Dublin fade from view. Sadness engulfed them as they realized they may never again see their beloved Ireland.
A contest entry
- This is a little random... by Taylor Renee.
130 points, ended April 8, 2007, 97 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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There are punctuation mistakes which are easily fixed with some editing. Also there are paragraph structure problems. This too is easily fixed.
"“Shit”! He swore and pulled back farther into the shadows of the doorway, praying the watchman would walk by and not notice him. "
the ! should be inside the quotations. "of the doorway" is unnecessary since we already know where he is. That's just adding unnecessary details.
that should also be its own paragraph to add emphasis.
separating dialogue into
he said
she said
for example adds emphasis on whomever is speaking.
This story has a lot of potential. Most of the problems are structural and easily fixed. You've got a good start here. well done.
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Very nice
The scene was well set, the area described as well as the reason for Redmond fleeing given. It is a bit difficult to read black on a dark green background so possibly for another piece you might consider a different combo? Please? When the watchman shouted this is a dialogue line but it's your call.
The use of "naught" at the beginning was a nice touch. It really set a tone that put the piece in a period. Yes, who wouldn't be sad to be forced to leave their country? Thanks for a good read.

beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Godd start to a longer story. More description of the main character and surrounds.

~*Brooke*~ -
i really liked this! u did a good job, and i like the theme and the writing was good 2. i also like the fact it wasnt a prewrite. ....ur a finalist!
Tay





