Twelve Like Dominoes part II

Andrea and Rachelle came to lift with me three days each week all summer, we jokingly competed to see who could bench press or leg press the most weight.  Rachelle usually won.  I hate to think of myself as any sort of dieter, but if it means playing varsity as a junior, then I’m all for it.  1

When the bell rings students spill out into the hallway from all sides, mixing ranks immediately.  Down the hall, I can see Aubrey, still clad in black and still looking as flirty as ever.  A senior fullback named Josh or Jake or something like that leans against a locker next to hers and flashes sugary sweet smiles in Aubrey’s general direction.  I’m not prepared for this artificial sweetness, nobody ever looks at me like that.  In fact, the knot in my stomach climbs up into my throat; I think I’m going to throw up.  Apparently, Aubrey has decided that, mourning or no mourning, her continual games with the hearts of our less-than-stellar football team must go on.  2

“Hey Charli!”3

From another world, another time, I hear a perky voice address me with Martha Stewart-like cheer.  It is, could only be, Amaya.4

“Hey ‘Mya,” I practically whisper in her direction.  Something about that bubblegum pink mouth, those sparkling white teeth, and that perfectly creamy Irish skin make me feel inferior.  Oh God, I’m having a breakdown over a freshman.  5

“I’m about to go to another one of Mr. B’s boring lectures.  I hate that class.” 6

She’s still smiling.  7

“Anyway, catch ya at the game!”8

“Okay bye.”  My answer is inexplicably meek.  Oh shit.  I completely forgot.  We have a game tonight, against South Allegra county.  Luckily, the team’s uniforms get washed at school and put back in our lockers for us.  Hopefully, Coach will ask me to sit on the varsity bench as she has once or twice in the past.  It would really show Hayley if I got to watch from the bench and she, Rosaria, and Elissa had to watch from the bleachers where the junior varsity team sits during varsity games.  9

At lunch, I sit staring into space and sipping a diet Coke while I’m supposed to be reading my assigned book for English.  Under any other circumstances, I would be content to read and watch as Lolita came to life before me, illuminated through the eyes of the twisted poet Humbert.  But though Nabokov tries valiantly to seduce me, I focus my attention instead on Katie.  She sits across the lunchroom from me, crushing carrots in her teeth and swallowing defiantly.  I want to go talk to her, but I don’t dare.  She wears jeans and a plain t-shirt, but she clearly isn’t mourning Rachelle’s death any longer.  10

Am I the only one who feels that a part of me is missing?  Are the rest of them so mechanical, so robotic, so disillusioned as to ignore the gaping dark hole left in this toothy mouth of mint-fresh students?  Perhaps I am the butterfly—no, the moth.  Yes, I am the moth Nabokov spoke of.  I am pinned to the wall, only half alive.  Part of me flutters as always, but a deeper, secret part is chained and cannot endure long enough.11

After school, a group of us sit in the library finishing homework before the game.  12

“Who will be filling in for Rachelle today?”  Nicole asks innocently.  She sits at a round table with Hayley and Elissa, and they work on Chemistry homework together.  There’s an extra chair, but I know there is no room at that table for me.  Before there is time for a reply, a the voice of a higher being crackles over the loudspeaker.13

“Will Hayley Woland please come to the main office for a message.”  14

Hayley stands and walks out with the heir of a supreme commander strutting about a ship deck.  As soon as she is gone, Elissa quickly hisses a reply to Nicole.15

“I think Coach is going to try to make Hayley the next main hitter now that Rachelle is…gone.”  She quickly patches the hole left in the end of her sentence.  16

“Won’t someone older want her spot—Jessica or someone—be after the spot first?”17

“Well,” Elissa supplies, with an air of extreme knowledge, “We all know Coach is going to base this on ability more than age.  But I guess Jessica could be a competitor.” 18

I agree that she is a better than average hitter, but for some reason I’d never thought about her playing varsity.  Elissa looks like she might continue, but before she can the library door opens and Hayley breezes back in.  19

“My mom’s going to bring dinner for me from Birdie Hut.”  20

Nicole sends a meaningful look in Elissa’s direction, but immediately resumes her Geometry homework.  Hayley doesn’t even notice that our little group has grown quiet.21

“Charli,” her voice chirps suddenly, “have you done the chem homework yet?”  22

I silently pass the blue page over to her, contemplating the repercussions of filling out a page of completely wrong answers sometime and supplying them to her.  She’d probably notice though, so I forget the idea and concentrate on an essay for English instead.23

At exactly four o’clock, we all pack up and walk down to the locker rooms to change.  A few freshmen are already there setting up the game net and the ref’s stand.  Kate is in the locker room changing into game spandex and a warm-up jersey.  Nicole, Elissa, Hayley, and I join her, and soon after come Laura and Jessica.  We stay quiet, out of respect or perhaps just because we have nothing more to say to one another.  Kate pulls her hair into a bun on top of her head and walks out with a smile at Hayley.  I finish next and head out to sit on the bleachers and put on all of my equipment.  While I’m pulling on ankle braces, Allie walks in with her boyfriend David.  If Allie weren’t already one of the Twelve, she would be another prime candidate.  She has pale blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and she brings her boyfriend everywhere with her, like a dog on a leash.  24