I Hate You, Mother

I hate you
For not taking the time to buy my little brother running shoes
For making my daddy say ‘wish me luck’ before he left my room
For aging my daddy beyond repair
For causing the darkness to settle in
For making everyone so very tired
For making my sister run away
For making excuses for the baby’s mother
For not following any logical path
For changing from happy to mad before I know what’s going on
For getting mad at things that were not meant to happen
For not understanding the meaning of the word ‘accident’
for being sick and ruining plans set weeks before
for not even trying to understand why I am what I am
why I do what I do
I hate you
For not being the mother you promised to be
I hate you for being a child-like imitation
I hate you for writing ‘I can’t take it anymore’ on your screensaver
I hate you for causing me to feel guilty for things I never did
I hate you
For ruining my family
My life
My happiness
For taking my childhood away from me by telling me to grow up
I hate you
Because now I don’t know how to grow up
I hate you because I am scared to grow up, to get a job
I hate you because I am terrified of messing up no matter what it is I am doing
I hate you more than you can ever know
I hate you because you refuse to hear me
I hate you because you won’t admit there’s anything wrong
I hate you because you pretend so much you are starting to believe it
I hate you because I have no evidence of your abuse
I hate you because I am too scared to do anything
I hate you because you are the reason I can’t see my sister
I hate you because I can’t talk to you
I hate you because you took my daddy away
I hate you because you broke him
I hate you because you have so much control that you don’t deserve to have
I hate you because you can smile and pretend that everything is okay
I hate you because you get mad at everything
I hate you because you get mad at nothing
I hate you
I hate you because you don’t like Courtney
I hate you because you don’t like Chris
I hate you because you are so judgmental
I hate you because you don’t accept me
I hate you because believe my lies
I hate you because you don’t care
I hate you because you don’t love me
I hate you because I see the pain in my brother’s eyes that you put there
I hate you because my brother is depressed
I hate you because I pity you
You seem so sick, so helpless, but you’re not, you have more control over us than anyone else. You control my daddy with you mood, with a glance, simply by refusing to make a decision out right always asking him first.
I hate you for refusing to make decisions.
I hate you for not letting daddy make the decisions.
I hate you because you don’t make any sense.
Because you defy all logic
Because you don’t stay the same from day to day, from hour to hour, from minute to minute
I hate you because you betrayed me…all of us…
I hate you because daddy loves you and so I can’t fight you without fighting him
I hate you because I would rather die than hurt my daddy
I hate you because I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE