Benny Morbid

MY LIFE

a short autobiography, written by ME

I'm poor, jobless. Have a zealous religious bitch for a mother, father who sucks cocks, and my only friend is a black racist, homophobic kid from the projects who tells me everyday that I'm fucked up and need a life. And the closes thing that I have ever had to a girlfriend was a redheaded stripper named Ruby, who decided to tell me after we had sex that she was infected with HIV. Luckily, I tested back negative but now I'm afraid to fuck without protection.


EDIT: I am afraid to fuck with or without protection.

Oh yeah. And my only source of transportation is an old black bicycle that squeaks every time I turn the handle bars and has a rusted basket attached to the front.

So yeah.

That's my 'autobiography'.

*

PARENTS

Blair Fause & Kenshi Zhang.

They met at a friend's wedding. Two months later, in the backseat of my uncle Hunter's Cadillac, they're both fucking like wild animals (that's what uncle Hunter says). Five months later, they're married, and three weeks into the marriage are pregnant with me, the Spawn of Satan (mom swears I am the anti-christ. I actually like that idea. Not that I'd have to lead the world into an eternal damnation of inferno because hell has been on earth since the day Adam and Eve listened to that very wise Snake).

*

DIVORCE-THE NUMBER ONE RELATIONSHIP SOLVER OF AMERICA!

See, mom caught dad having ass sex with this twenty-something Russian dude (who talks like his tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth) after she came home from her week revival with her Jesus-Friends from church in Atlanta. Supposedly, she wasn't coming home until Saturday because of the weather but it turned out to not be as bad as they thought so she came home early.

Dad took the opportunity however to give in to his homo lust and invited his boyfriend over.

Long story short: Mom found them in their bed having an adventure of erotic penis ass sex.

So they divorced.

Aunt Zay, dad's little sister, tried to convince mom to call a therapist, see a marriage 'expert'.

"No, it is over! Over! I will not share my bed or my body with a man who makes love to a man!"

That's what she said.

I thought it was a great idea. I never liked my dad anyhow.

*

CUSTODY

Dad wanted to see me on a regular bias.

"I am willing to lose my wife, but not my son."

What kind of fucked up shit is that?

"You don't need me, you have your penis sucker. Ya'll can go make 'babies' together. They'll all be penis suckers. It'll be a cute penis sucking family!"

That's what I said.

We were at Denny's, having our final meal together as a, quote, 'family'. Aunt Zay, my three cousins, dad's parents, and mom's parents, and Uncle Hunter were there. Every one, except Uncle Hunter and Mom, glared at me.

By the way, I should mention that everyone else had accepted dad's new lifestyle humbly, though disappointed in the way he choose to come out.

BULLSHIT!!!!

"What?" I stared back innocently. At least I was being honest. And honesty is a HUGE deal in this family.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.

Look where that got us.

Dad gazed at me sadly, a bit embarrassed. He was trying to respond calmly. I could tell in the way he kept taking deep breaths, and closing his eyes.

"Benjamin, please. You are my son and I love you."

"Which part dad? My ass or my dick?"

"Benjamin!" Grandma Fause smacked the back of my head with her fist.

I laughed.

"You know what, you are one amazing motherfucker, dad. Really."

"Benjamin, that's enough." This came from Uncle Hunter. His tone wasn't stern, but his face told me that this wasn't going to solve anything.

"Fine. Whatever, dad."

I turned to mom.

She said, "All right, Kenshi."

So

Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, are dad reserved days. With his new boyfriend, a skinny Latino DJ who wears lip gloss and Victoria Secret panties.

No lie.

Most of the time we spend together is in silence or me insulting him.

"No matter what you say or do I will still love you, Benjamin. This is who I am. You have to live with that."

I'd rather live knowing that he's dead. Or dickless.

*

MOM-THE SINGLE ZEALOT

"I won't bother with marriage right now. At least not until God tells me that it's time. For now, I am happy at church and baking."

Does that sound like a Cliche? No?

Oh yeah.

The cliche would be her getting an intense make-over, going on blind dates and living the glamorous life of the 'SINGLE AND RICH'.

She choose Jesus instead.

Guess there's nothing wrong with that.