For many average American families, Christmas is a time for celebration. Cousins gather around the yule log while parents sing carols in matching reindeer sweaters. Grandparents hug their grandchildren and slip them extra gifts and money when their parents are not watching. Ham is served with a honey glaze promptly at six while the pies are browning in the over. Presents are wrapped with green and red bows and loving laid beneath the tree. Cider is served and laughter rings through the air. Yes, for the average American, this is the normal, beautiful scene. Notice, I never said my family was average.1
Our Christmas starts December 26. Traditionally, of course, we do open Santa's gifts at home on Christmas day, but the following morning we all pack like sardines into the rickety Hyundai and drive off to Grandma Rachel's house. That's the first thing. My grandma's real name is Dorothy. One day she just decided she didn't like it and changed it on the spot. That’s not even legal! I asked one year if I could be called Crystal instead of plain old Kelsey but my mother said you had to be at least seventy for the rule to apply. Join AARP and you can get away with anything it seems.2
The road to Johnstown, Pennsylvania is incredibly twisty, steep, and, inevitably, snowy. One year, the wind was blowing so hard and was blowing around so much that it literally looked like we were flying through a cloud. And Christmas wouldn't be complete without sliding on black ice. That’s really a thrill. We just can't take the interstate, though. It takes much too long. No, we prefer to risk our lives to get there fifteen minutes earlier. That seems logical to me! Almost dying every year really puts the holiday cheer in you.3
The actual dinner ordeal occurs at my aunt's house, but we stop at Grandma Rachel's house first. I'm not sure you could call it a house, however. When one thinks of a grandmother, they think of a caring, cookie-baking woman who loves hugs and knitting, right? No, mine stays up until three in the morning and lives on top of a bar. It's not shady or anything, good heavens no. We own it. Until a few years ago, I never found it odd that drunks knew me by name. Another perk of owning such a fine establishment, apparently. Grandma has a two foot tall artificial tree with presents that we open there. I usually get money, and an added treat this year: flannel sheets.4
I hate being up in Grandma’s house. She has bad MS, and she lives alone. Being in her house, seeing her alone, it makes me sad. What if she fell? What if she got sick in the night? Isn’t Christmas supposed to make you happy? Part of the reason I hate going to Johnstown is seeing my fragile grandmother, living by herself and eating Lean Cuisines at a table across from no one. Instead of enjoying my presents, this is what I think about while sitting on her floor. 5
Next, we make two trips and drive to my aunt's house where I entertain my two younger cousins until I escape to help "make dinner"-leftovers from yesterday that I reheat. Who wouldn't want to travel two hours for day-old turkey and gravy? Isn't that what Christmas is about?6
Dinner is usually stalled by the wait for my uncle Lou. He's either at work (the bar, of course), or just plain late. My uncle has never been know for his tact. We eat. My grandmother complains that the food is too salty. We eat. My uncle steals all of the stuffing and drinks a little too much wine until his cheeks grow splotchy and his voice grows loud. We eat. We listen to my grandma complain to my aunt not to eat dessert since she is diabetic, and they fight. She cries. We open presents and smile for pictures like nothing has happened. Then we make the required small talk until it is time to leave. 7
Then, it is time for our tearful goodbyes. We hug and exchange good wishes. We promise to come and visit more often-maybe this summer even! We drive home in worse conditions than on the way over and I hope we make it home alive. I gnaw off my fingernails in the process. Yes, December 26th for me will always represent my second Christmas. The one where I get scared. The one where I feel sad. The one where I wonder if other families are as different as mine The one with those people who are hard to be around, but are my blood, like it or not.
Author notes
Sadly, this is all true.
A contest entry
- U B Funny - I B Judge by MDavid.
600 points, ended March 22, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Who's ready for a vacation? I am! Write a story about any type of vacation :) by Seachelle.
550 points, ended April 25, 2007, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Humor Contest by lydubs.
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Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Shorts by Delfishie.
175 points, ended April 7, 2007, 15 entries
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450 points, ended April 23, 2007, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short story by my--i u--k i.
350 points, ended May 28, 2007, 14 entries
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Honorable mention
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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I like how this was written in such a sarcastic yet humorous tone while a somewhat troubling story of a family was told.
Good job. -
Pretty Funny
I thought this was a nice little account of your Christmas. It gave me a nice little laugh. I especially liked your description of the ride up to Grandma ‘Rachel’s’ house. Anyway, I enjoyed reading this; keep up the good work! Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest! -
Haha..this is great! Good job and good luck in the contest!
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Thanks for entering
great job, reminds me of my family...beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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awesomez!
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BRAVO
I LOVED THIS STORY!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hmm
This doesn't seem like a very fun second Christmas. What do you do for Christmas? Thanks for entering my contest.
Andy -
That sounds like a good as christmas. My christmas consists of being at home depressed with my family, presents is all no chrissy dinner.
This was really good, nice flow.
Wishn you well my dear and good luck.
Lady Madeline.
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Aww
Thats really cute. It's a little sad but cute at the same time. I mean, it sounds like one of those things you should hate, but someone learn to love at some point. Thats really sweet. This was written pretty well too!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Lol, you know that sounds alot like my family
Thanks for entering the contest and good luck!
Very realistic story by the way
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thnx for entering and im srry for the late comment, it was my stupid computer.
anyways i loved this. it was a great laugh. this was very well written and fun to read. good luck and keep up the amazing work.
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I have also already read this story, but that's okay, it was fun to read it again. I love that your grandma lives over a bar. She's not exactly a stereotypical grandma is she? The only problem was that it wasn't as funny the second time around, but that's to be expected, and I really can't hold that against you. Good luck in my contest.
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i read this once a while ago, but thanks for entering it in the contest! it's always good for a laugh!
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sorry! i didnt know youd already read it!
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it's ok! it still made me laugh so, job accomplished!!!!!
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I have two christmas's too. Course mines with family then friends. This was a good description of your family and your holiday. thanks for entering my contest
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interesting...
i agree with Delfishie, their is no story here. more as a report on your christmas break. it was fast and quick...its a good thing to describe your holiday...just it isnt a story. thanks for entering my contest. -
lol
well you are right this situation is kind of humiliating but i have something that can top this try having your pants fall off when you are swinging on the monkey bars at recess in front of anyone willing to take the time to look.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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interesting
...but there isn't really a story here. It's just a really long description. Of course, I totally recognize that it's a well-written description and I really like how you presented your family.
I think it would be fun, growing up with my family owning a bar. I wonder, would it make you drink more or less as an adult? My grandpa owned a bar for a while and he drank all the time, but my dad very rarely has any alcohol and has never gotten drunk since I've been born (at least, not around me).
Ah well. Stuff to ponder.
Interesting story. :-) -
I love this, you did a really good job. That is what Christmas is all about though, all of the fun family members trying to be civil with each other. My family always celebrates christmas when we can get together, even if that is in january.
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Good!
Hey, I love your descriptions. I was amazed by them...as well as the fact that all of this is true. Everyone I know of celebrates Christmas on the 25th without anything else coming after until New Years. Good job with this. Fascinating tale! -
wow i think u did a really fun job on this the writing is really ood, and you made us go throuh the day like we were there. i liked it a lot! keep up the god wrk and tanks for entering!!
Tay
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Wow...
Well, this sure is an odd Christmas, and family! (No offense) But still, this did have me laughing. Especially the part with the, "we prefer to risk our lives to get there fifteen minutes earlier." and then, "We drive home in worse conditions than on the way over and I hope we make it home alive." I hope you make it too so you can continue writing great funny stories like this! Good luck in my contest and all the others you entered!
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You know how much I love this story already... Good job! And good luck in my contest!
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If I were to say that this didn't bring back memories, I'd be lying. I once pushed my brothers head into the mashed potatos at Christmas dinner. It wasn't for fun but, rather, because he'd made me mad. I feel bad about it now...My own Grandma was crying and mom told me I was an arrogant S.O.B.--whatever that means. I think alot of families have times like this. Certain ways they spend the holidays. My own family was, and still is, a bit disfunctional, but I love 'em anyway.
This was a very godd piece.
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This was great. It made me think of my family which are very funny.
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Perfect
I found this very entertaining because it strongly reminds me of my family. It gave off an easy mood that made it easy to read.
There was nothing confusing but just a simple story about a simple holiday. Simple.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
Good work.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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This is really well written. I love the sarcastic tone thoughout. Also, I thought it was really obvious as I was reading that this is a true story. You just can't make that up. Great job, you're in the finalists.
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This is so funny! I love the attitude the character portrays and the comedy within. This was a good read and a great laugh! Keep up the good humor and description! Love it!
Ana
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Haha!
Up until now I thought my family was extremely weird. Now I view them as plain normal compared to yours...no offense. I think it's a FANTASTIC story, and with such hilarious characters I'm sure you could write about lots of other family events besides just "second" Christmas. Good luck in all of the contests you've entered, and I'd love to hear more about Uncle Lou and Grandma "Rachel"! Keep me posted!!
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lol
I love this crystal! esp the whole kelsey/crystal/aarp bit. your family might be hectic but your lucky. i mean drunks know you by name! lol i love this little peephole into your world very wellwritten and captivating essay -
hehehe... I find that most people have problems writing a good satire, but this one was a real good read. Don't be overly sarcastic about the black ice, you may jinx your luck on your way ^_^ The arguments over the pie vs diabetes is pretty much like my own family. What kind of bar do you own?
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Wow
A great story, fun and satirical
Very enjoyable
Hehe, is this true?
Very good writing
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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ha
"Almost dying every year really puts the holiday cheer in you." haha, good story. I enjoyed it a lot.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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this glimpse into a family's christmas made me laugh and i felt a connection to the main character almost instantly.
indeed, a very nice write!
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