School was over and I began to recap my day. My name is Aaron and I'm currently in the tenth grade. School was boring as ever and my grades could not be any lower; the only reason why I love going to school so much was that my friends were there. Everything seemed fine until one of my friends began acting differently.1
“Alison been acting weird lately," I thought to myself, “She blushed every time we saw each other and she could barely talk to me without stuttering; maybe, she likes me." 2
I started shaking my head; she could not be in love with me. Even if she was, I am not interested. The next day, I saw Alison in the halls and decided to see if anything is bothering her. It seemed nothing was troubling Alison. As I was about to say goodbye, she suddenly asked me on a date. I was shocked and didn't know what to say, so I agreed.
We thought eating at a restaurant would be nice, but when I arrived at the restaurant; I forgot to bring enough money. My luck ran out; I haven't met Alison yet and I already messed up. She arrived on time, wearing a beautiful white dress.
The dress was as delicate as a graceful rose. Her silky eyes blinded me and tender lips melted my heart. I wore a dress clothes and a tie. Compared to her, I looked like yesterday's garbage. 3
“Hey, Aaron, you look handsome tonight." 4
I couldn't say a single word. I kept staring at her. It is like her beauty has completely numbed my body. I finally calmed myself down and replied, “Thank you, you look beautiful too, I have never seen you like this before." 5
“Thanks, I don’t wear make-up when I am in school." 6
“That’s ok, you look beautiful either way." 7
She blushed and stared down at the ground. 8
“Don’t be shy, Alison, it’s just you and me." 9
“You’re right, Aaron." 10
We had a great time on our date. We laughed at jokes about our teachers and how mad they were at me days ago. After dinner, I drove her home. My car was a mess, but Alison didn't seem to mind. She mentioned that her car was worse than mine, so we had a lot in common. When we arrived at Alison's house, I opened the door for her and helped her get out of the car like a gentlemen. My mother always told me acting like a gentlemen showed how respectful I could be.
As she was coming out of the car, I felt something strange. I never felt anything like it before. My heart pumped faster and I trembled a bit. We walked to the front door in silence. 11
“Did you have a good time?” I asked, trying to break the awkward silence. 12
“Of course I did, it was everything I dreamed of." 13
Then, she realized what she said and started blushing; she turned her eyes away so we couldn't make any eye contact. I giggled a little and looked up into the night sky.14
“I had a good time, too." 15
The awkward silence returned and only the cold, shivering wind blowing against the trees could be heard. 16
“It’s getting late, you’re parents must be worried sick about you," I said. “Maybe you should hurry and get inside”. 17
As I turned away, Alison grabbed my hand. I turned around and she kissed me. Her soft lips gently pressed against mine and I eased forward. Then, our arms wrapped around each other's waist, it brought us even closer together. I didn't just kiss any girl; I kissed an angel sent from Heaven. I figured out the feeling I had before, it was the feeling of love for Alison.
After the incredible kiss, she apologized and headed for the door. I stopped her by holding on to her. She turned around and smoothly placed her arms around me. We hugged for about another minute. 18
“I love you, Aaron," she said. “I loved you since I first saw you." 19
“I love you, too." "I promise I won't love any other girl besides you, Alison."20
She kissed me for a quick second and went inside the house. I drove home, thinking about Alison. I had decided to protect Alison, even if it cost me my own life. The next day at school, we became an official couple. During passing periods and at lunch, we would hug and kiss all the time. She gave me a reason to live and our love matured as time went by. One day, I received news from my parents that I was going to move away. Alison and I didn’t know what to do. 21
“I’ll call you everyday”, I said. 22
She didn’t say anything, since she was speechless. The moving day was getting closer and closer. I didn’t want to move and tried to convince my parents to stay, but it didn’t work. One day, I received a telephone call from Alison saying that she was pregnant. I told her to come to my house and we would discuss this situation. She busted out of her friend’s car with tears. 23
“You’re moving away and we’re having a baby, what are we going to do?” Alison asked. 24
“Did you tell your parents yet?” I asked her. 25
“No, I did not”. 26
I suggested that I would tell my parents first. After my parents heard the news, they were furious. My father yelled and screamed until his throat was about to bleed; my mother wanted to break every bone in my body. Luckily, I made it out of there alive and faced Alison. I reluctantly placed my hands on her shoulder.27
“They want you to get an abortion”. 28
She closed her eyes and started crying, then I began to cry. Our dream came too soon and the future we planned shattered into tiny pieces. I felt the pain in my heart, the stab wound that never healed. My father came out of the house to apologize.29
“I overreacted and I was wrong”, he said. “I know how you feel, since your mother and I had you when we were young." "It’s not easy, so you don’t have to move with us; you can live with your aunt."30
Alison and I were overjoyed to hear that my parents accepted our decision. This was only step one; Alison's parents would not allow her to keep the baby. They became too over-protective when Alison started dating me. Her parents never liked me because they thought I was one of these "bad boys" who were dating girls to get sex.
I packed my accessories and prepared to face two parents that hated me. Alison and I went inside and explained to her parents about our decision. They didn't say a word and nodded. They came over to their daughter and hugged her, then hugged me. Maybe they accepted me as a worthy man for their daughter. No, they had to accept me because I was going to be the father of her child.
On the way to my aunt's house, I realized that I threw Alison’s life away. It was my fault for getting her pregnant. Alison got accepted to many colleges, such as UCLA. She was very smart and she doesn't have to go through with this. 31
“Alison, you have a bright future ahead of you, so get an abortion and move on”, I said. 32
“No, this is our first child," Alison told me. "We are going to be great parents." 33
It was her decision and she chose to have the baby. Alison was three months pregnant and her good grades proved that she studied really hard, but carrying a three months old child was not an easy task. I tried my best to help her and she was grateful to be my future wife.
We would talk about naming the baby, feeding the baby, and changing the baby. We also talked about our wedding, which would be held after the birth of our baby. During school, a kid named Jeff walked up to me and told me that the baby was his. He claimed to be Alison’s lover and advised me to stay away from her.
Jeff was a crazy kid, always going around annoying others. He didn't go to school for these past two years because his parents sent him to a mental hospital. He claimed that he was cured, but his goal was to leave that place and be with his lover, Alison.
One day, we were walking around the park to get some fresh air and exercise. Suddenly, a gunshot came from behind a tree and the smell of lead scattered into the air. Alison dropped to the floor with her blood covering the cement. The gunshot pierced through Alison’s womb, directly hitting the baby. 34
“I love you... I’m not...ready to die yet”, Alison whispered. 35
I held Alison in his arms, holding her tight with blood dripping from my arms and elbows. I looked up into the sky, screaming.36
"Don't die, Alison." "Don't leave me here all alone."37
A noise came from the playground. I lifted up my head and glanced at the playground.38
"Jeff!"39
Jeff sprinted across the broken swings and climbed over the tall fence. Then, seconds before he escaped, Jeff looked back at me with his wide eyes all red. He gave a big grin and jumped to the other side of the neighborhood. 40
"You'll pay for this".41
My parents came to the park in time and saw what happened. They ran toward us and called an ambulance. We were going to have a child and lived happily ever after together, instead Alison died that day in my arms.
After everyone had paid their respects to Alison at the funeral, I was the only one left; standing in front of her tombstone. My legs became weak and then I got down on my knees and cried. The sky grew dark and rain started pouring. Midnight arrived and I was still there, staring and weeping in front of her grave. My friend, Andrew, patted my shoulder. 42
“She’s in a better place now," he said.43
From that day on, before and after school, I would visit her grave and shed a few tears. 44
*******************************************************************45
It was a freezing night in the middle of December. There was a knock at the door. The kid paused his video game and walked over to the front door. He asked who was knocking and the mysterious man claimed that he was the mailman. 46
"Your mailbox is frozen shut, so I decided to hand over your mail personally."47
The kid took a deep breath; he wanted to know if it was safe to open the door, since he was home all alone. The kid opened the door and greeted the mailman. He received the mail, but the child saw more mailmen appeared from the bushes. He was pushed back, causing him to fall on the floor. He was flipped over and handcuffed.48
"What is going on?" "Let me go!"49
The mailman dug deep inside his pocket and pulled out a small gold-colored plate. He flashed the plate in the kid's stunned and pale face. The other mailmen, who popped out of the bushes earlier, came in and flashed their plates as well.50
"Jeff Rondey, you are under arrest for the murder of Alison Cheng." "Anything you say or do will go against you in court; you also have the right to call for an attorney."51
Jeff struggled, but he couldn't brake free. He started kicking and twisting, doing everything he could to escape. Jeff was then dragged and stuffed into the car with brutal force. I stood behind a tree near Jeff's house. I couldn't smile because the thought of Jeff's cold-blooded actions and the dead of Alison haunted me. However, I was relieved that Alison could rest in harmony and I would visit her grave in peace.
“Alison been acting weird lately," I thought to myself, “She blushed every time we saw each other and she could barely talk to me without stuttering; maybe, she likes me." 2
I started shaking my head; she could not be in love with me. Even if she was, I am not interested. The next day, I saw Alison in the halls and decided to see if anything is bothering her. It seemed nothing was troubling Alison. As I was about to say goodbye, she suddenly asked me on a date. I was shocked and didn't know what to say, so I agreed.
We thought eating at a restaurant would be nice, but when I arrived at the restaurant; I forgot to bring enough money. My luck ran out; I haven't met Alison yet and I already messed up. She arrived on time, wearing a beautiful white dress.
The dress was as delicate as a graceful rose. Her silky eyes blinded me and tender lips melted my heart. I wore a dress clothes and a tie. Compared to her, I looked like yesterday's garbage. 3
“Hey, Aaron, you look handsome tonight." 4
I couldn't say a single word. I kept staring at her. It is like her beauty has completely numbed my body. I finally calmed myself down and replied, “Thank you, you look beautiful too, I have never seen you like this before." 5
“Thanks, I don’t wear make-up when I am in school." 6
“That’s ok, you look beautiful either way." 7
She blushed and stared down at the ground. 8
“Don’t be shy, Alison, it’s just you and me." 9
“You’re right, Aaron." 10
We had a great time on our date. We laughed at jokes about our teachers and how mad they were at me days ago. After dinner, I drove her home. My car was a mess, but Alison didn't seem to mind. She mentioned that her car was worse than mine, so we had a lot in common. When we arrived at Alison's house, I opened the door for her and helped her get out of the car like a gentlemen. My mother always told me acting like a gentlemen showed how respectful I could be.
As she was coming out of the car, I felt something strange. I never felt anything like it before. My heart pumped faster and I trembled a bit. We walked to the front door in silence. 11
“Did you have a good time?” I asked, trying to break the awkward silence. 12
“Of course I did, it was everything I dreamed of." 13
Then, she realized what she said and started blushing; she turned her eyes away so we couldn't make any eye contact. I giggled a little and looked up into the night sky.14
“I had a good time, too." 15
The awkward silence returned and only the cold, shivering wind blowing against the trees could be heard. 16
“It’s getting late, you’re parents must be worried sick about you," I said. “Maybe you should hurry and get inside”. 17
As I turned away, Alison grabbed my hand. I turned around and she kissed me. Her soft lips gently pressed against mine and I eased forward. Then, our arms wrapped around each other's waist, it brought us even closer together. I didn't just kiss any girl; I kissed an angel sent from Heaven. I figured out the feeling I had before, it was the feeling of love for Alison.
After the incredible kiss, she apologized and headed for the door. I stopped her by holding on to her. She turned around and smoothly placed her arms around me. We hugged for about another minute. 18
“I love you, Aaron," she said. “I loved you since I first saw you." 19
“I love you, too." "I promise I won't love any other girl besides you, Alison."20
She kissed me for a quick second and went inside the house. I drove home, thinking about Alison. I had decided to protect Alison, even if it cost me my own life. The next day at school, we became an official couple. During passing periods and at lunch, we would hug and kiss all the time. She gave me a reason to live and our love matured as time went by. One day, I received news from my parents that I was going to move away. Alison and I didn’t know what to do. 21
“I’ll call you everyday”, I said. 22
She didn’t say anything, since she was speechless. The moving day was getting closer and closer. I didn’t want to move and tried to convince my parents to stay, but it didn’t work. One day, I received a telephone call from Alison saying that she was pregnant. I told her to come to my house and we would discuss this situation. She busted out of her friend’s car with tears. 23
“You’re moving away and we’re having a baby, what are we going to do?” Alison asked. 24
“Did you tell your parents yet?” I asked her. 25
“No, I did not”. 26
I suggested that I would tell my parents first. After my parents heard the news, they were furious. My father yelled and screamed until his throat was about to bleed; my mother wanted to break every bone in my body. Luckily, I made it out of there alive and faced Alison. I reluctantly placed my hands on her shoulder.27
“They want you to get an abortion”. 28
She closed her eyes and started crying, then I began to cry. Our dream came too soon and the future we planned shattered into tiny pieces. I felt the pain in my heart, the stab wound that never healed. My father came out of the house to apologize.29
“I overreacted and I was wrong”, he said. “I know how you feel, since your mother and I had you when we were young." "It’s not easy, so you don’t have to move with us; you can live with your aunt."30
Alison and I were overjoyed to hear that my parents accepted our decision. This was only step one; Alison's parents would not allow her to keep the baby. They became too over-protective when Alison started dating me. Her parents never liked me because they thought I was one of these "bad boys" who were dating girls to get sex.
I packed my accessories and prepared to face two parents that hated me. Alison and I went inside and explained to her parents about our decision. They didn't say a word and nodded. They came over to their daughter and hugged her, then hugged me. Maybe they accepted me as a worthy man for their daughter. No, they had to accept me because I was going to be the father of her child.
On the way to my aunt's house, I realized that I threw Alison’s life away. It was my fault for getting her pregnant. Alison got accepted to many colleges, such as UCLA. She was very smart and she doesn't have to go through with this. 31
“Alison, you have a bright future ahead of you, so get an abortion and move on”, I said. 32
“No, this is our first child," Alison told me. "We are going to be great parents." 33
It was her decision and she chose to have the baby. Alison was three months pregnant and her good grades proved that she studied really hard, but carrying a three months old child was not an easy task. I tried my best to help her and she was grateful to be my future wife.
We would talk about naming the baby, feeding the baby, and changing the baby. We also talked about our wedding, which would be held after the birth of our baby. During school, a kid named Jeff walked up to me and told me that the baby was his. He claimed to be Alison’s lover and advised me to stay away from her.
Jeff was a crazy kid, always going around annoying others. He didn't go to school for these past two years because his parents sent him to a mental hospital. He claimed that he was cured, but his goal was to leave that place and be with his lover, Alison.
One day, we were walking around the park to get some fresh air and exercise. Suddenly, a gunshot came from behind a tree and the smell of lead scattered into the air. Alison dropped to the floor with her blood covering the cement. The gunshot pierced through Alison’s womb, directly hitting the baby. 34
“I love you... I’m not...ready to die yet”, Alison whispered. 35
I held Alison in his arms, holding her tight with blood dripping from my arms and elbows. I looked up into the sky, screaming.36
"Don't die, Alison." "Don't leave me here all alone."37
A noise came from the playground. I lifted up my head and glanced at the playground.38
"Jeff!"39
Jeff sprinted across the broken swings and climbed over the tall fence. Then, seconds before he escaped, Jeff looked back at me with his wide eyes all red. He gave a big grin and jumped to the other side of the neighborhood. 40
"You'll pay for this".41
My parents came to the park in time and saw what happened. They ran toward us and called an ambulance. We were going to have a child and lived happily ever after together, instead Alison died that day in my arms.
After everyone had paid their respects to Alison at the funeral, I was the only one left; standing in front of her tombstone. My legs became weak and then I got down on my knees and cried. The sky grew dark and rain started pouring. Midnight arrived and I was still there, staring and weeping in front of her grave. My friend, Andrew, patted my shoulder. 42
“She’s in a better place now," he said.43
From that day on, before and after school, I would visit her grave and shed a few tears. 44
*******************************************************************45
It was a freezing night in the middle of December. There was a knock at the door. The kid paused his video game and walked over to the front door. He asked who was knocking and the mysterious man claimed that he was the mailman. 46
"Your mailbox is frozen shut, so I decided to hand over your mail personally."47
The kid took a deep breath; he wanted to know if it was safe to open the door, since he was home all alone. The kid opened the door and greeted the mailman. He received the mail, but the child saw more mailmen appeared from the bushes. He was pushed back, causing him to fall on the floor. He was flipped over and handcuffed.48
"What is going on?" "Let me go!"49
The mailman dug deep inside his pocket and pulled out a small gold-colored plate. He flashed the plate in the kid's stunned and pale face. The other mailmen, who popped out of the bushes earlier, came in and flashed their plates as well.50
"Jeff Rondey, you are under arrest for the murder of Alison Cheng." "Anything you say or do will go against you in court; you also have the right to call for an attorney."51
Jeff struggled, but he couldn't brake free. He started kicking and twisting, doing everything he could to escape. Jeff was then dragged and stuffed into the car with brutal force. I stood behind a tree near Jeff's house. I couldn't smile because the thought of Jeff's cold-blooded actions and the dead of Alison haunted me. However, I was relieved that Alison could rest in harmony and I would visit her grave in peace.
A contest entry
- ANYTHING AT ALL, LOSERS! by Springs.
360 points, ended October 17, 2007, 45 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - To Think by sugarrrainbow.
190 points, ended October 11, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For The Trophyless Only by Andy Stephenson.
175 points, ended October 24, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options. My origional contest idea...*wink, wink* by Taylor Renee.
200 points, ended October 27, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Love, Life and Laughter by Meakalu.
175 points, ended October 17, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I Know Something You Dont Know by lexiconsthedevil.
135 points, ended October 16, 2007, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Vivid characters by Jinxgirl.
295 points, ended October 24, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - QUICKIE! Only open for a few hours! VERY easy! by Kevan.
225 points, ended October 26, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "Falling" in love and other options by Lady-Jane.
225 points, ended November 14, 2007, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My First Contest by Natalie-.
540 points, ended October 27, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - And They All Lived Happily Ever After? Yeah, Right. by abba12.
175 points, ended October 31, 2007, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Most Original Contest Idea Ever. [Okay, Maybe Not, But Enter Anyway.] by miles of smiles.
875 points, ended November 25, 2007, 22 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I Want to Want More by Kitzwa.
225 points, ended November 25, 2007, 31 entries
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385 points, ended November 8, 2007, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Enter... by On.Cue.
375 points, ended November 10, 2007, 59 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ~.Easy Point-Give-A-Way.~ by luvme728.
110 points, ended January 21, 16 entries
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Awwww that was soooo sad! It was written great and I loved the idea. Great job!

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Hmmm... it was very interesting. *stroaks goatee* But it flowed well and gave me an inspiration. So it was 8/10. It was cool. Good job!
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I kind of got bored towards the ending...
But the characters did have some realistic characterization. -
Well, I have to be honest..truthfully this story didn't really capture me from the beginning. Towards the end I got a little bored..you might want to put something in the middle towards the end that keeps the readers attention. I feel bad saying that because it's exactly the advice I get sometimes.
Your characters were full of depth and detail, but the story was a bit lacking. Spice the storyline up a bit and you'll have a good story. Mostly the beginning, you want to capture your audience within at least the first 100-300 words. If you haven't captured them by then, you need to change something.
Thanks for entering and Good Luck!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I've actually read this story before, but I didn't realize it unti just now. For this contest I wanted cliffhanger endings which I don't think this story fits, but it is still a very good story.
There are a few things that need to be fixed:
"We had to great time on our date." Change "to" to "a"
"She mentioned that her car was worst than mine..." Change "worst" to "worse"
"I have decided to protect Alison, even if it costed me my own life." Change "costed" to "cost" also, since the rest of the story is in past tense either remove "have" or change it to "had"
Very good story although I stand by my earlier comment that it does seem a little predictable in places. I think that you could get rid of most of the predictability by changing the title. "Tragic Love" almost tells the reader everything they need to know. -
Aw, its a bit sad, poor guy. Thanks for entering in to my contest.

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So, and I hate to reiterate this but, it's a little cliche. It is a nice story line and if there were deviations it would be a lot better. Other than that it was alright! ^_^ Thanks for entering and Good luck!
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Ok. So this was enjoyable, but not written well. There plot was interesting, but has been done. It was written in such, fact, fact, fact, form that it was fun to read through:it didnt flow well. I know you can take this idea and fix the format. Deffinately try and improve it. Thanks for entering!
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this is a good idea, though not exactly an original one, i must say. however the story seems rushed and "told" to the reader rather than "shown" to the reader. i feel like i was told who aaron and alison were more than i knew them.
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wow
This was AMAZING! there is no other word for it. I don't know what else to say, I loved every word of it. It made me think and feel the way few storys can. Perfect!
Thanks for entering,
Meaky

beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Pretty Good.
Thanks for entering "For The Trophyless Only". Your story is pretty good. It seems similar to some I've heard before. You have some verb tense problems and a couple of typos. It seems a little choppy. Was the guy who shot her, the one who stalked her? Did he get caught?
Andy

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I see where you were going with this. It started out strong. Although it is a story that has a beginning, middle and end - it starts to lose its credibility near the conclusion.
The rest of the story seems rushed and plopped down in the readers lap in order for them to decipher. The story needs to be edited for grammar, spelling and proper dialogue placement but the idea and the concept is very good.
If you revamped the story, putting more emphasis on the "showing" instead of the "telling", it would be a much more compelling story. By drawing the reader in with emotion, you would have had us feeling for the main character. Half way through the story, I wasn't feeling it. -
I liked this a lot!
However, when a character speaks, you need to begin a new paragraph.
EX.
"Hey, why were you late to school today?" Hannah asked.
"My bus was late!" I replied, "I hate that stupid bus!"
Good luck in my contest! -
Very well written. This is definitely a finalist in my contest. The only thing I would have to say is that it seemed a little predictable in parts. Like I could tell that Alison was going to die just based on the title.
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This is really good!
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wow this was very nice i loved reading this thank you for entering the contest i loved this
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this is.......
this is a great story and i really enjoyed it a lot great write great job. Great everything
1 - 17 of 17













