Call me when you're sober

The phone rang while Rhiannon was in her apartment's tiny shower, part of her hour-long ritual she ususually tried to partake in before heading to bed. Usually she would have ignored its tinny shrills, but when it rang ten times without the caller hanging up, she was slightly concerned- maybe it was really important, an emergency. She turned the shower off quickly and stepped out of it, wrapping a towel around herself and hurrying into the kitchen to pick up the receiver. She answered on the fourteenth ring, standing dripping on her ugly tile floor, one arm keeping her towel up securely as her long black hair hung wet and tangling down her back.

"Hello?"

" Rhiannon?" asked a husky-sounding voice, male. She heard an unpleasant snorting noise, knew he was either crying or trying not to. " It's Darren..."

Rhiannon exhaled loudly, disgusted and suddenly weary. Closing her eyes, she shook her head slowly. For this she had raced out of the shower in near alarm? For another long conversation with Darren? She could only marvel that this time three days had passed before his call- usually it wasn't even an entire day. He must have really gotten shit-faced afterward, even worse, she thought cynically. I cannot deal with this right now, I don't want to deal with this. It's 11:30 pm and I already told him it was over.

But of course, why would he believe me when I never gave him reason to before?

" Darren," she repeated flatly. " I was in the shower, Darren."

" I'm sorry," he mumbled, and this time Rhiannon was certain he was fighting tears. She gritted her teeth- she didn't want to frickin' deal with this right now. " I just-"

" It's 11:30, Darren, I have to work tomorrow. I was going to bed. Don't YOU have to work too, or are you not showing up again?"

" They fired me," Darren mumbled, "when I showed up yesterday..."

" Were you SOBER?" Rhiannon asked, exhaling heavily. She shifted her weight once again, acutely aware of the water she was dripping onto the floor, the fact that she was wearing nothing beneath her towel, and growing irritated at her thoughts.

" Uh... not, not exactly," Darren admitted, seeming to be trying to get his voice under control. She could hear him taking long, shuddering breaths. Once the sound would have filled Rhiannon with pity, sympathy, and she would have only wanted to reassure him of her forgiveness, tell him whatever he did was okay. But she knew better now... she knew HIM better now. The last thing he needed- that last thing she wanted or needed to give him- was her sympathy.

" Then how the hell can you blame them, Darren?" Rhiannon said in exasperation, her voice rising. " You're drunk nearly every other day, you show up hung over or still drunk- how do you expect them to just shrug it off and keep you on?"

She could just picture Darren's helpless shrug, could see his longish brown hair covering half his face, his cheeks and chin unshaven, bleary-eyed and teary-eyed both. She remembered how terrible he had looked the last time she had seen him, like a man in his late 30s at the age of 25...

" That's not what I called for, Rhiannon," Darren said, and his voice sounded nearly steady now, careful, cautious in his tone. " I-I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am..." and the steadiness was gone, already tears re-emerging, creeping back into his voice. " I was an asshole, I don't know why I acted like that, I-"

" It's called alcohol, Darren," Rhiannon said quietly but firmly, clutching the phone more tightly in her fingers withhout realizing it. " Excessive alcohol makes you a bastard."

" I know, Rhiannon, I'm sorry, god, I didn't mean it. I didn't know what I was doing, I swear- I would have if-" Rhiannon knew Darren was crying now, could hear the tears breaking apart his words. She held herself still, telling herself to ignore it, not to give in to empathy, the natural softening that had always made her forgive him in the face of his tears. Remember what you told yourself, she thought, remember what you told him, and stay strong- for him, as well as for yourself. He needs this, Rhiannon- he needs to be dumped, he needs a wakeup call. He needs to lose it all before he can really remember who he is, who he should be.

" You hurt me, Darren," she said, and her voice was rougher now. " What you said to me, the way you touched me- you tried to force yourself on me and nearly succeeded. You were drunk and a bastard and completely out of control. What's more, this was not the first time or even the second time. You've done things like this over and over and over teh whole time we dated. And though I care about you, I won't put up with it anymore. I can't."

" Rhiannon, look, don't be like that. I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I swear. I'll stop if you want me to, I won't drink anymore. It's not like I can't stop any time I want to..."

Rhiannon laughed incredulously, her blue eyes flashing. " Oh, really? Is that why you just got fired, because you can quit at any time? Is that why you tried to rape me, why you left bruises on my arms? Is that why?"

" That's not fair," Darren mumbled, and she heard the anger, the embarrassment in his voice. " You know I didn't mean it. I told you already I was drunk, I won't do it again-"

" Exactly, Darren, you were drunk," Rhiannon broke in, her fingers white where they grasped the receiver. " But you're usually drunk, or haven't you noticed? Have you counted how many times you've had to apologize to people for things you did while drunk? You lied to me, Darren. This isn't anything new what you're saying, you've said it all before. That's why I broke up with you, more than because of what you did- because you told me you'd stop and you didn't, you can't. And you wont' even admit it, won't even seek help. I told you it was over days ago, and I meant it. Nothing you say will change that. You can't just say you're sorry again and expect me to forget it."

" Rhiannon, come on, don't be that way! You know you're exaggerating. I don't need help, just because I like a drink now and then, there's nothing wrong with that! That's the way men relax, have a good time!" Darren said defensively, his voice stiffening. " You don't know what you're talking about, I"m perfectly fine. I'll even stop just for you, because you want me to- and because I can. If that's what it takes for you to see, I'll do it, Rhiannon-"

" Your 'good time' is wrong when it destroys everyone else's!" Rhiannon interrupted angrily. Her bare shoulders were tight and tense, and she held herself rigidly, no longer feeling the water trickling down her back, off her legs. " You're lying to yourself when you say you're not an alcoholic. You're lying to yourself and you're lying to me, and you're making me lie to myself too. I'm sick of all the lies, Darren."

" It's not a lie, Rhiannon!" Darren insisted, and the frustration and desperation in his voice was clear to her. " I mean it, I mean all of it! Just give me another chance and you'll see, I really will change! I love you, Rhiannon, I'll do whatever you want if you'll just let me." Rhiannon heard him snuffle again, the undercurrent of tears that had appeared on and off throughout their conversation, and her temper flared.

" Stop crying!" she nearly shouted, her patience fraying badly. " If you loved me, you'd be here with me instead of having a crying jag hung over in some cheap motel room or wherever you are! If you loved me you'd stop drinking, instead of just saying you will- you'd get help, Darren, you'd really try and really want to do better. If you want me, Darren, then be with me, come find me- but make up your mind! You can't have me, can't be with me and still continue to deny you have a problem!"

She broke off, chest heaving with her quickened, harsh breathing. She just wanted to slam the phone down in his ear and leave, forget he had ever called her, that she had ever known him, ever loved him.... and she HAD loved him, loved him still. It was because of her love for him that it made her so angry to watch him slowly killing himself, killing all those he loved, emotionally... she could not take it any longer, not matter how much it hurt to leave him to his self-destruction, it hurt more to stand by and watch it.

" What are you saying all this for?" Darren asked her, his voice wounded, disbelieving. " Why do you insist on this, on being so dramatic about it- why are you trying to hurt me by saying things that aren't even true? I know I was stupid that one night, I know I hurt you, but I'm sorry! I told you so a million times! Why are you still trying to hurt me back- why can't you forgive me?"

Rhiannon was so flabbergasted by this that for a moment she could not speak, could not seem to force words from her mouth. They stuck to her tongue, seeming to choke her.

" Don't- don't play the damn v-victim!" she managed to spit out at last, eyes shooting blue flares into the receiver she gripped more tightly than ever in her hand. " I'm sick of this, Darren, fucking sick of it! You can't ever blame yourself for anything, can you? It's always someone else. It used to be me you blamed- is it someone else now, or will you admit you're victimizing me instead of the other way around?"

" What?!" Darren sputtered, completely confused, his voice cracking. " Rhiannon-"

" It must be exhausting to lose your own game, huh?" Rhiannon muttered.

" What are you talking about?!"

" You're too late, Darren," she interrupted once more, just wanting to end their conversation, this whole upsetting ordeal, wanting to end any fraction of a relationship that still existed betwen them. " It's not going to happen. It's over- I mean it."

" What- what the hell do you want from me?!" Darren sputtered, the frustration in his voice making it clear he had control of his tears once again. " I'm apologizing, I'm BEGGING you, Rhiannon, I'm doing all I can to make you happy, to do what you want, and it's not enough! What do you want from me? What did you ever want from me- how did you expect me to be?! I always did my best to make you happy, Rhiannon. Sure, I screwed up some, but I really did try to give you what you needed. If you weren't happy, that's your problem, you made it that way!"

" How could I be happy when you were never mine?!" Rhiannon almost shrieked. " How could I- you were never mine! You belonged heart and soul to your booze!"

" DAMMIT, Rhiannon!"

" No! You listen to me, Darren- you're telling me right now you're not an alcoholic, that three days ago was the last time- you were drunk yesterday, you have a hangover right now!"

" Rhiannon-" he tried again, desperate, but she cut him off, thoroughly worked up now and determined to get her say.

" No! No, Darren, no! You have a hangover right now, as you tell me never again, give you one more chance! You know what, Darren, call me when you're sober!"

" Rhiannon!"

But she already had slammed the phone into the receiver, then taken it off the hook, not at all in the mood to hear its rings two seconds later when she knew Darren would try to call her back. She closed her eyes, gripping her towel with one hand as the other moved to cover her face. She was trembling with the rush of emotions flooding through her...

That would never happen, she knew- Darren would never be sober...

She made herself move then, made herself walk into her bedroom and shut the door, dress herself, begin to pull a comb through her already hopelessly snarled hair. She did all this with no real feeling or awareness of it, and her hands continued to shake.

She knew she had done the right thing... she could not stay with a man who was an alcoholic, a danger to himself and others, a man who hurt her, embarrassed her, lied to her, who had no intentions of changing- no true intentions, at any rate. She could not have done anything else.

Why then did she shake so... why did she feel so cold, so dazed... and why did she have to fight so hard against tears that threatened to overtake her, bring her weak and helpless to her knees...