The Mother of All Chain Letters - Chapter I

There once was a girl named Sara. Sara lived a wonderful, almost perfect, completely unbelievable life of perfection and joy. She had two parents who loved her and were completely stereotypical, a loveable sibling, an awesome best friend named Jennn, and a boyfriend who passed his ample time by doing outlandishly selfless things for her. Yes indeed, Sara had it all.

One day, she was out for a walk with her boyfriend in a picturesque and beautiful park. Her boyfriend, who had a name like Ethan or Brad or whatever the fuck you want to call him, had just taken her to the opera. Twice. On top of that, he had a habit of bringing her rare and exotic flowers from strange places. Today, he looked particularly scruffy. As usual, he handed her her flowers.

“Sorry I look so mussed up…” He began. “I went to the Amazon rain forest to get you these. After I battled four lions and killed the cruel poachers who were attempting to trap them, I managed to wrestle the flowers out of the mouth of a crocodile. But they weren’t lovely enough for you, my dear…. So I decided to make you some. These are made out of diamonds I mined myself.”

Sara looked at the heavy, shiny bouquet of crystalline flowers. She was amazed. “Oh, Chad…”

Her boyfriend only shrugged, with no expression on his face. “It only took six days without sleep.” Sara embraced him… In the amount of time they had been dating, it never once occurred to her that he was only trying to get in her pants. It didn’t really matter, anyway, because she wasn’t going to get a chance to find out.

As the day randomly and inexplicably changed into a romantic evening sky, Ethan/Chad/Jarvis/Whatever the Fuck his Name is took her by the hand and led her to a conveniently placed cliff. It was a secret spot that he had often taken her to, where the night sky was beautiful, and they could be completely alone… No one else ever, ever came to this romantic spot. Unbeknownst to Sara, her boyfriend had actually gotten the government to declare it a nuclear waste site after he had done some illegal dumping to get them some privacy. Yes, readers, his desire to get laid was really that great.

As they stood, hand in hand, Sara opened her book of “Cheesy Romantic Lines” randomly to page number 83. This was one of her favorite books. “I wish this night could last forever….” She said. Her boyfriend shuffled a little and then said: “You know, it can…”

Sara, still looking at her book, read from page 149: “Whisper sweet nothings into my ear, Clancy.”

Her boyfriend looked up. “What the hell was that? Have you been drinking again?” Sara put the book away. “Uh, nothing. What were you saying?”

Back in his romantic mood, Sara’s boyfriend pulled out a small box from his pocket. Fingering it briefly, he stared into Sara’s deep eyes, which looked like pools of infinite water, an abyss of beauty and mystery… And then he realized he was staring at one of the puddles of toxic waste he had dumped. He turned back to Sara’s eyes, which were blue. He got down on one knee and thrust the box in her direction.

“Sara Jones-Smith-Wilson-Yehovawitz-Johnson…. Will you marry me?” Sara looked at him again, astounded at such an idea. She even fainted and fell off the cliff, to an almost certain painful demise, but she climbed back up unharmed because…. Well… That’s pretty much how these chain letters work. When they both were resituated and Sara’s boyfriend’s knee was getting really, really tired, she looked at him and said: “Oh Ethan…” And then, ignoring the fact that they had only been dating for two months, she was only sixteen, and her boyfriend was a creepy senior she had met in the back alley of a McDonalds, she said “Yes! Of course I will!”

And Ethan stood up, with a minor fungus growing on the knee that had been held in place for three hours as Sara had climbed back up the hill, and he kissed her, deeply and passionately. In the background, a plane flew around. Sara looked up to see what it was spelling out: “SARA’S BOYFRIEND LOVES HER FOREVER” tears of joy ran down her face, but her boyfriend seemed to be angry for some reason. “What the hell!?!? There were supposed to be fireworks!!!” And then, in a fit of rage, he pulled out a loaded rocket launcher and shot the plane down. It fell out of the sky, creating a picturesque explosion across the city below.

“Won’t you get in trouble for that?” Sara asked, quizzically.

“Anything is worth my love for you, my dear…”

And with that, they kissed again.