Dear Diary,1
Why am I hated by so many? What do people dislike so much about me that they wish to disown me over it? Why is my life so bad?2
I guess it had to start when I was about ten years old… Never had to many friends to play with, although I’m unsure of why. I didn’t ever do anything to them but still they hated me. So as I got older I grew to hate myself for being to big, not pretty, I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. I knew it wasn’t my entire fault, I mean I was depressed and my only scapegoat was myself.3
Well the summer when I was fifteen I told myself I had to change. I went on a diet…well it started as one but it was working so I figured if I ate less then I’ll lose even more…Wrong! I got at a standstill my body just wanted to store the little bit I had eaten afraid it wouldn’t get anymore that day. And since I was at a standstill I figured I’d have to eat even less to motivate my body to lose more weight…Wrong again. All this did was made it so I was starving myself. I ate less then a meal a day and was hungry all day. I was making myself sick day and night. It hurt so much I’d end up crying myself to sleep wondering if it was worth it. I couldn’t eat or I’d have gotten sick and since I didn’t eat it made me sick. When I had told a couple people at school they just gave me this funny look and told me I had an eating disorder so I gave up on going to lunch.4
All this torment I went through made me think of suicide so often. It wasn’t funny. I just wanted to rip out my veins…do whatever I had too, to harm myself. I would take a safety pin and just start digging it into my arms any part of my skin, wherever was vulnerable. I didn’t know what else to do. I never really broke the skin I mean it was only a safety pin but it helped the thoughts in my head. It made the pain go away. No one ever thought of me as anything but an innocent child, and they still think that. 5
This was supposed to be a great year; I had the clothing I wanted for the first time a whole wardrobe of my choice. A few loyal friends who would be there for me no matter what or so that’s what they said. So I just shoved everyone else to the back of my mind and learned to not care about what they said. The whole weight lose thing was going okay, I got a few looks and it was certainly noticeable, I had hooked up with a really sweet guy although things didn’t work out. We remained friends but for some reason I got it in my head that no one cared about me or what happened to me. This threw me way back into my depressive state, of which made people at school sort of start to notice. I saw a few looks going my way while I walked down the hall with my head hung low. But I didn’t care about what they thought. I mean heck it was partially their fault for never giving me a chance. They didn’t want to get to know me, just to judge me. Well then I had learned to just give up on life because it would never be right to me so I lived with myself and my hatred for life. Life tends to grow onto you, the more you hate it the more it doesn’t want to be good to you but I didn’t care. 6
Well Later into the school year, I met another guy and we dated for awhile then we went our separate ways. Were not nearly as Close as most of my other exes it is just different. I faded away…and it wasn’t meant to hurt anyone although I know it did. 7
People are beginning to say I act “slutty” just because I flirt a lot. I don’t really care much though. I know inside that I am not doing anything wrong. I mean at least not in my eyes, but people need to realize they are not me. 8
I met a neat guy in theatre he changed my life a lot. I wish we were closer friends but even still he helped me with many things that I wish I could control. But learned I can not. One thing I learned was that I can not control life, but I can live it and have fun doing so. I was so happy when he was helping me then our friendship faded a bit and we hardly talk. I’m not too worried about that though because when we did talk it gave me so much to move on in life and remember. Theatre in general has helped me so much, the people, and the time to just not worry about life. It’s wonderful. I did technical work for a comedy my school put on, and now I’m acting in a part of a volunteer show a group of us are doing. It is so much fun I don’t know what I would do without it. 9
Author notes
Umm...This is pretty much how my life has gone...I don't think it is written well but I don't care.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This is like my life. Like so many others. So horrible because life shouldnt have to be like this. Well..anyways, I enjoyed this alot. I think you did a fantastic job!!
Despair
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So, this is such the typical teenage life, that i'm surprised people can't figure out why all the rates are up...and by rates i mean, suicide, drugs, sex, crime, ect. I mean, if most all teens feel this way, why hasn't someone figured it out...and i don't mean figure it out by shoving antidepressants down their throats or sticking htem in hospitals...but just trying to do the best for the people in general...because if it isn't fixed in the earlier years, it will just grow with the person. Anyways, good job, I would just try and not sound like your complaining so much...and not make it a pitty party. Maybe write about how you feel you think you would have turned out had you had the "normal" life...or how you would have felt to be the person who was tormenting people. Just look at all views of it and you'll realize that everyone has something that torments them....and most of the time, its rather similar for everyone.
Jess
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awww
Gosh Damnit, why do people always have to be so fucking
rude and put their two cents in where it dont belong?!
-Roar- anyways, Jen, this write is so sad
I'm so sorry
that you've had to go through that. And you're beautimous
so you better not be starving yourself no more! I've been
anorexic before..and well..it sucked. I definently know what
you mean when you say it hurt like hell!!!
Oh, and I know what you mean when you say you only write to
satisfy yourself. That's what I do to. If people dont like what
is written they should keep their mouths shut and move along
with their own damn business!!!
I'm glad you have theatre in your life babe, at least you
have something to look forward to!
And for the record, I dont think you're slutty!!! lol.
Even though I never really hang out with you, you dont come
off as slutty to me. So chin up! Put on a happy face, and
show that middle finger to all the shitheads who want to put
you down! Write on girly, keep getting that stuff off of
your chest!! hugs
twizted bizkit
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*sorry about that other comment*
i'm so sorry. i completely got off subject. it's just that your story had so much emotion in it i just got really upset. well, that's good that your story got to me. it showed how good it was. and don't ever listen to what other people say. your a talented writer. keep up the grea job! and i hope everything in life goes great with you.
lots of luv, ~luis~ -
*great story*
omg. you don't know how this made me feel. this has never happened to me but just about the exact same thing happened to some one i was once friends with. she was always depressed and upset because she thought she was a little over weight. and she cut herself to. and like you she met some one and they went out but it didn't work out. they had been friends before that and they were pretty close but after he broke up with her she got all upset again. he didn't really know how upset she was or anything because they didn't talk to each other anymore. (well, he didn't want to talk to her. she still liked him) and she would alwayz try to talk to him but he would ignore her. he hated her so much. after what she did to him he hated her. she didn't understand why he hated her and it really hurt her but then she just gave up trying to talk to him and getting his attention and then he just called her mean names and talked about her all the time. it's a shame because they used to be friends and then after she beleived all the rumors about him and he figured that if she wanted to beleive them that they mite as well not be friends because he didn't want a friend who beleived every little rumor she heard. isn't it a shame a good friendship had to be over because of a rumor? and you wanna know wut is worse? . . . i'm that boy -
Great write
Wow, this is really good. I can really relate. Thats cool how your writing in like a diary. I have a poem called Dear Diary also. Weird. Well great write! Keep up the great work!
---BOE--- -
Very Intersting.
I can somewhat relate to that, except the difference between me and your story is that you met people, I on the other hand have only met one person and that person can't change me. Your story was well written and did have a bit of a intersting plot or well personal narrative, whatever you want to call it. I enjoyed the glimpse of your life. -
I didn't request i was just posting a update telling it is up if you wanted to read it. People can comment on the writing but I don't care when it's a story on my life. Satisfaction can be recieved from yourself not just from what people think. If I wrote caring about what people think then I wouldn't be writing to this day. All three years of my writing have been for me no one else. And you can read my writing if you wish no one ever made you so I don't want to argue.
*Everyone I will return comments when i get home later.* -
The request was in the Aspiring Novelists group – which was why I came – and if you read you will see that I said the plot could not be change – so what else is left to comment on but the writing? How do you receive satisfaction from posting if it isn’t through your readers?
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What plot? I said it was personal. This is my life. It's not like I can freaking change how my life has gone in the past believe me I would if I could. Why post it or ask for comments? I didn't ask for any comments you commented on your own free will. And for posting it I don't post for you the readers I post for my own satisfaction. That is how it has always been and always will be because no one will understand the depth of my writings unless they are me. Im sorry if I sound ignorant but those stupid questions should have been a given to anyone on ap who has a clue. Most don't post for someone to aprove of it nor do I.
Edited on May 11, 6:33 because ''. -
i really enjoy these types of poems. my sister went through a very tough time where she always seemed to find sollace in theater and it was where she spent alot of her time. frankly im kinda retarded and i dont like most people, not there problem just my own, so i have a thing against the theater people just as i have a thing against every click, but through all my sisters pain she found a little happiness there.... i guess im just saying thanks and although i cant say i trully identify we may not be far apart and i trully enjoyed this look into your life. very personal. well done...
fallen. -
moooooooooooo....i'm back! at least for the next 30 seconds!
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If you don’t care how it is written – why post it or ask for comments? We can only comment on the writing since the plot is rather set.
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i can relate very well.this is nicely done for a start.over time it will get even better.you can always add to it.i have a personal narrative you might like.
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