Rope-a-dope
In recent years it is sad to see that sport in both schools and for the most part boys clubs has degenerated in to non-competitive affairs. Where the politically correct, tree hugging, soft soaping liberals have taken over and their piss poor mantra of “It’s the taking part that’s important! Not the winning!” can be heard echoing round the sport fields and gym halls the length of the nation.
Not so in the 1980’s, where had any such do gooder offered this opinion to the lank haired lothario, that was Mr. Jenkins a.k.a. Bullet Head, our overzealous P.E. teacher. They would have more than likely suffered death by a thousand deep knee bends.
Bullet Head’s philosophy of competitive sport was more one of win at any cost or to quote him directly “Jessie’s finish second!”
At our school, boy’s played boy’s sports, girls played girls sports and aside the dreaded Scottish country dancing instruction in the run up to Christmas, never the twain shall meet. The syllabus for us contained manly activities such as football, rugby, cross-country running and the man sport of all man’s sports, boxing.
Yes you read correctly!
Boxing!
The political correctness police would be called instantly if anyone even mentioned boxing in a school environment today.
Well when I say boxing, I mean boxing in it’s very loosest form, as the rules laid down by the Marquis of Queensbury had very little to do with the two minutes of total mayhem and carnage that were the highlight of any boxing lesson. This was entirely down to Bullet Heads warped sense of humour, as he rigged every bout so as the least athletic and most apathetic pupils were forced to trade blows with the very keenest of nutcases.
“Keep your gloves up lads!”
“Remember to protect yourself at all times!”
“Your mummies are not here to save you now!”
Were Bullet Heads kind fatherly words of guidance and advice given to both pugilists prior to each bout.
Which were quickly followed up with shouts of;
“Left hook! Left hook!”
“Uppercut to the solar plexus!”
After he sounded the whistle to signal the onset of hostilities.
I for my own part did and still do enjoyed all sports, so found this boxing malarkey great fun, even if I received a pummelling it was more like being hit round the head with a heavy pillow rather than an actual fist in the teeth. So it was then, much to the distress of all our parents, when we started going to a real gym in town called MJ’s Gym.
MJ’s stood for Mike and John. The two brothers were muscle bound heavies that both owned and operated the place. Mike was heavily in to kickboxing and quoting him directly “Cracking skulls!” Whereas John his even larger brother was purely in to bodybuilding and judging by the never ending parade of very, very attractive young ladies who came to see him, was clearly a black belt, third dan in the martial art of hands up the jumper. These two men of iron and shagery for reasons apparent to all teenage boys became our instant hero’s and roll models.
Training programmes were drawn up, weights were lifted, punch bags were beaten to a pulp and all the while we were being instructed by the mentalist brothers in the dark arts that are ring craft.
Were we all hard as nails fighting machines?
Alas no, Roberto “Hands of Stone” Duran we were not, but we all thought that we were! Which at thirteen is all that matters!
The gym did not just cater for boxing, it also ran aerobics classes for the ladies, had a sauna for the town’s cottageing George Michael types and the obligatory sun beds for the posers. Although mid February the gyms attendees were all golden brown as we made full use of the U.V. marvel, ignorant as we were back then to the risks and rigours of skin cancer.
Nimble being the least talented at any athletic endeavour of our group, had it was fair to say, shipped a lot of punishment at the hands of Smarty a couple of days prior in P.E. He was therefore under strict instruction from his mother; to train but not do any actual boxing until his badly split lip had mended. This left him cooling his heels, bored and feeling left out on the sidelines.
Trevor was in getting the kicking in of his young life from the very handy Swoopster and was employing his usual throw a haymaker and run for the hills tactics when a voice boomed out from the gyms entrance.
“Go on son! Right cross to the solar plexus! If I was boxing either of you two Jessie’s I’d hit you so quick you’d think you were surrounded!” bellowed Bullet Head as he swaggered across the floor and in to the locker room.
The bell rang and Trevor, a few cuts and minor abrasions aside, survived his two minutes. It was now my turn to show my silky skills against Knumbnutts, well I say silky skills, more a case of tuck my chin in to my chest, move forward and windmill with both hands like a demented whirling dervish.
“Thwack!”
Knumbnutts caught me flush in the stomach.
“Ooooooooof!” my cheeks like a squirrel amok in a peanut factory as I doubled over in pain. Then I did something for which I can claim no credit whatsoever; it was an involuntary and entirely spontaneous movement. That movement being that as I straightened up to avoid getting clobbered I simultaneously threw a very short left uppercut. This career left uppercut landed, not on the left side of Knumnutts’s nose, not on the right side, no, bulls eye right on the bridge with a sickening and blood curdling crack.
Blood and snot was gushing in a never-ending flow all over the floor. Knumbnutts went quite literally mental, chasing me from the ring and round various pieces of gym equipment before being caught and subdued by Bullet Head as he came out of the locker room.
“Wait until I get my hands on you! I’m going to kill you! You bastard!” Roared a deranged Knumbnutts as Bullet Head stood between us.
Bullet Head: “Language boy! This is a mans game! Accidents happen! Shake hands now or you will both be playing netball with the girls tomorrow!
Faced with this ultimatum we both backed down and reluctantly shook, as a double period of netball and the embarrassment involved was just far to high a price to pay.
Bullet Head then swaggered off in to the room at the far end of the gym, which served as its solarium. Oss then had his ears boxed off by Bounce who in turn in the next bout was almost laid out cold by some mentalist who’s name at present escapes me.
We hit the showers and left to walk home. Standing outside the gym on the pavement a giggling Nimble, literally laughing so much he struggled to tell us what was amusing him so much.
Nimble: “When you were all in the showers. I stuck my head round the door of the solarium. Bullet Head is asleep under one of the sun beds. I turned his timer all the way up to 60 minutes! That’ll teach the posing tosser!”
Oh spoons!
Fast forward to 9.00am the next morning and it being a Thursday it meant first/second year assembly in the school hall. On stage in front of the seated in rows mass ranks, were the usual suspects for this weekly lecture on standards of behaviour followed by hymn singing. The Rector, the Deputy Rector, the awful Mr. Brea a.k.a. Bugsy who was head of first/second year, Minister Baxter from the local church and finally glowing like a balisha beacon, face like a well smacked arse, the red as a lobster Bullet Head.
I know I shouldn’t have but I just couldn’t help it. I started to laugh uncontrollably, as did half the hall that had all gotten wind of Nimble’s prank in the common room prior to the bell sounding to call us in. The Rector went in to orbit as the entire assembly degenerated in to anarchy. “You boy! You! You! And You! My office now! He hissed pointing at us in turn as he peered over his horn-rimmed bifocals.
Once again the shit had well and truly hit the fan!
Author notes
This once again is all true and only the names haave been changed to protect the guilty.
A contest entry
- Fool me! by Jennywinnie.
200 points, ended March 29, 2007, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. by asthray.heart.
530 points, ended February 26, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I'm a tough girl by MyaXhiroshi.
115 points, ended August 2, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - beaten up (option contest) by Elvenfairy.
100 points, ended January 26, 2008, 3 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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*sigh* please make sure you followed all the rules ok? Thanks for entering my contest. I'll give you a couple days to change that before I judge, so you have time to fix it.
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Lol have already commented this so good luck
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I loved it! Very strong author voice! I liked "soft soap liberals"! Thanks for entering
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I too was confused at parts with all the characters names.
But it was funny, a light humor that was much appreciated!
Good story!
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hillarious
these can't all be true
sounds like you had a damn good laugh at school
I love your writting style its very easy going
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You asked me to read your story, and I did. I have to be honest and tell you, I don't tend to read much on this site after several previous bouts of disappointment.
You have surprised and delighted me. I thought this piece was well written, entertaining, and I look forward to reading more. Well-done lad (A+)
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i enjoyed this piece a lot. a few sentences were a little unclear, but i found myself able to follow the story and enjoy the humour. the way you wrote and the situation that you put your characters in reminded me of an author called chirs crutcher. he writes young adult novels. with the style that you potrayed here, perhaps you wouls enjoy him. just something to check out if you have the time.
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I loved this!
Your use of humor is terrific, and the pace of the story is perfect.
I haven't read any of your other works yet, and I gather from comments these are recurring characters - I was a bit confused as to who was who in this, as well as the middle part you already know has confused people.
I'm wondering if the characterizations are meant to flow through a series, so had I read the others I'd've known...or if you mean this to be standalone? You may want to consider cleaning up the characters a bit if its standalone. (Then again, it could just be me being my normal confusable self!)
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I was a little confused at first, but the story got better as I read on. I found it very funny and nice to read. Good job.
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funny
your story was great -
This story reminds me of my schooldays. If you can strike that feeling of reality with your readers you must be doing something right.
acerman
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COOL STORY!
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Tree Hugger
i love treesbeginning: 5, language: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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The story has your usual humour and the characters are now becoming quite familiar. To my reading this story doesn't have the usual clarity and flow of the previous ones. As several others have commented it does go a little astray in the middle. Perhaps you just didn't have the time to do an edit before you posted it. I went back and reread a few of your other stories and the typos and spelling errors in this one are higher than usual. Maybe a night out with the boys mate? All the same it did bring back memories for an old codger like me who went to school back in the days when men were men and ... etc,etc. A good piece, just not quite up to your usual quality but an edit would fix that.
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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tree men dos.
woodpecker -
It's funny, although I don't like boxing. I like how you kept the action going, And the ending was hilarious. I'd probably do something like that if I ever got into a team in which the coach was constantly screaming.
I liked how you fast forward for time changes, Instead of the normal "The next day"
Great job!
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Hey! This was awesome! I'm going to read more of your stories in the future. Thanks for inviting me to read your story. It was a pleasure! - P.S. come read mine "The Last Chapter" if you get the chance.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Confused
This one confused me. Part of the fault I am certain is that I have a lot of distraction from one of my tenents who is a complete bother and keeps disturbing me. Also, I don't like boxing or wrestling, and I am sure that played a part. Anyway, it seems to be well written. I am sorry I couldn't follow it better.
Andy
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LOL POWER
Wow great story I laughed the who time it was really good. I always wanted to go to a place over seas but I never had. Well anyway good story I really enjoyed it
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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HAHAA! That was really great! I laughed throughout.
Go Scotland! I was able to spend a week in London, and I absolutely loved it. I would love to go to Scotland and Ireland, though.
Well, great story! And good luck with the world cup in a few years, I'll be routing for Scotland!
And feel free to check out my story.
Thanks! -
BUllet head!
and boxing, LOL!!!!! I'm so thankful I'm not a boy and NOT from your school You even had George Michael-types here and haha! OMG, I was randomly laughing at parts the descriptions are just lovely I am really almost wishing I had as much fun as I had in highschool Great work!
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Vivid
When you got to the part about the nose and blood, I felt the pain. I say vivid because this story I'm able to relate to back in the days of having to wrestle in gym class. I remember getting this guy in a revese hold and tore his chest muscles. Ah those were good times weren't they.
Great story, your use of Englishism's were easy to follow and enjoyable for us Yanks.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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HEY
Sorry, I couldn't follow it...Is it just me? Well, bye yall. -
Your childhood..seriously, where did you LIVE? I have never had anything like this happen to me. Another great piece.
xoxo
Kelsey -
I loved it, again you did a great job. I just love how you guys always get into trouble what what Thirteen year old didn't, I did, I was a huge trouble maker for a girl. Anyways, this was great I loved it and again hilarious as always
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lol, that seems so typical of teen boys now and today, at least young ones. i have personally never understood the great attraction to boxing... but, whatever. I think my dad would really enjoy your stories, they would probably remind him of his own boyhood as he's only six years older than you are. you should try to get these put together into a book.
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This was again very funny and well done,great work
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Very good! And very well built up, your storied always have a very entertaining flow. We did seem to leave the gym a little abruptly, but other then that, perfect. Your stories always have a very nice, relaxed feel to them! Also, a very good point at the beginning of the story. This story flowed I think better then any of your past onces and the plot was set up very cleverly. Very good, very well written and very funny!
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Again, I just love these guys of yours. Another great story.
And tho a litte preachy in the beginning [and I don't mean preachy! I thought at first this was a peice for a contest on Pros and Cons], I do agree with it. I know I'm tired of the American school system taking the agression out of sports and making it all less competiveness out of us all.
Just keep em coming! Can't wait to see what kind of adults they all turn out to be!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Very entertaining as usual. Nicely detailed, although I am with the others I got confused in the middle. But it was still very good especially the ending. I could imagine it clearly.
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Great job. It's nice to hear another Bullet Head story. The only thing that bugged me was that you put "Were Bullet Heads kind fatherly words of guidance and advice given to both pugilists prior to each bout," in it's own paragragh. I think it should be moved up, because I'm pretty sure it's not a complete sentence. I know, nag nag nag, but oh well. Again, great story. If you have any other Bullet Head stories, I'd love to read them. He seems like one interesting fellow.
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Whereas John his even lager brother was purely in to bodybuilding and judging by the never ending parade of very, very attractive young ladies who came to see him, was clearly a black belt, third dan in the martial art of hands up the jumper. -- two things on that sentence 1. you have "John his even lager brother"...did u mean larger? and 2.I think breaking that sentence into two sentences would help the flow there.
I have to agree with snoozy-girl...I got a bit lost in the middle as to where they were... the gym or P.E. class...at least until you talked about the tanning bed.
Great imagery and word useage as always, and of course, as with all your works that I've read...I was laughing all the way through. Just a few tweeks to polish this up. Great tale though!
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Good story - I didn't see that ending coming.
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