Tap, tap, tap was the only sound that could be heard echoing across the glass walls of her enclosed prison. Another pair of fingers joined and created a small symphony of rhythm.
She covered her ears with her hands cowering in the farthest corner, trying desperately to hide from the eyes peering at her. Every muscle in her body tensed as the rapping grew louder and louder, every second she grew closer and closer to breaking.
Suddenly the taping stopped, her mind cleared as the echoes faded away. Slowly she began to uncoil.
“Did they finally leave?” she wondered. Peeping through her mop of tangled hair she inspected the world beyond the glass. No, they were still there, trying to trick her. “They think they are so smart…pitiful”
A scowl crossed her face as she prepared to return to her previous state, but something caught her eye, something she had not seen before, something new. “What’s this.” She hissed under her breath.
Staring at her through the glass were the most intriguing pair of auburn eyes she had ever seen, she couldn’t help but gawk. Never before had someone captivated her this much. She blushed and tried to hide behind her twisted hair, but to no avail. They were still there, those eyes, burning holes through her mangled locks.
Slowly as though in a trance she began to crawl towards the glass, everything around her blurring to nothingness, her soul set on those ginger eyes. The tapping began again, but she heard nothing, and saw nothing, nothing but that intense gaze.
Reaching the glass wall she stopped. Tentatively she reached her hand up and touched the barrier. It wasn’t cold as she had expected but warm and inviting. Moving to a sitting position she stared straight into the face that held those alluring eyes. His face was gentle, high cheek bones, pale complexion, and the most luscious lips she had ever laid sight of. He was different, she could tell.
“Who are you?” she whispered to the face beyond the glass. His lips parted into a small soft smile. Raising his hand to the glass he placed it across from hers. Warmth filled her cheeks again and she looked away, shyness over powering her.
When she looked back he was gone, she searched in horror for his eyes, those enchanting eyes, but to no avail. “It had only been but a second” she whispered aloud “only a second that I looked away”, none the less he was gone. She began to weep. Tears of sorrow streamed down her cheeks creating small pools on the cold stone floor.
Author notes
I read the rules
A contest entry
- Write me a story using.....(updated may 11)(10. OPTIONS) by DemApples.
600 points, ended June 12, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - More Options by Embitter.
345 points, ended June 10, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Picture Perfect. by Hitsuzen.
135 points, ended July 7, 2007, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Broken Hearted Warriors by Siby Anan.
500 points, ended July 8, 2007, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Prompts - Loads Of Them by Asfand.
225 points, ended July 23, 2007, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - darkness of the mind. by dNOZ.
200 points, ended August 23, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - weird and wonderful!! by angel.of.mine.
200 points, ended September 4, 2007, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What's In Your Head? by Miss Hanako Cullen.
245 points, ended September 23, 2007, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Writer's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 19, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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It seemed like it was a human behind the glass when you described "..covered her ears with her hands..". I assume this piece was about something behind a glass and having onlookers peer in. I like the description in the story. This story is quite an old piece and it would have been nice to see something a little more fresh in your writing.
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Good story
I pictured a monkey or orangatang looking back out at the public. Then I thought no its more like a planet of the apes thing where humans are the animals. Good story it held my attention. You could probably go further with it.
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Well-Written
I liked this. It was a little short, though, and it ended somewhat abruptly. It seems as though there was no closure to the story. However, it does add a little bit of mystery to who it was and why he was there.
The only thing that really bugged me though was the fact that it's never explained why she's there or who she was waiting to leave.
Other than that, good story. Good luck in the contest. -
I liked this...good work and good luck in the contest.
Cos I'm such a nice person I won't even mention the fact that you failed to mention my quote in your authors notes.
Peace -
Amazing. Absolutely captivating! Great job.
Score:
Theme - 9/10 > It wasn't perfectly shining, but it was darned close.
Originality- 15/15 > Great job. I've never read another story like this.
Flow- 24/25 > Once again, it wasn't perfectly perfect. A bit more work, and it very well could be.
Feeling- 19/20 > Can I tell you how happy I was to finally read a story that had me there, experiencing it? This story has made my job a little easier.
Structure- 28/10 > There were a few places where the phrasing was awkward, or something about the situation was confusing, but over all this piece was amazing.
Total- 95/100
That is by far the best score I've given. Great contest entry, and the best of luck to you! -
Creative ~
I have commented before, but this time It'll be a different and much more constructive comment ~
A very good story ~
The beginning was wonderful, with a little rephrasing but the idea of the tapping was insanely beautiful ~
*Tap, tap, tap was the only ...*
I read this as tap/tap/tap, with very less emotional impact or audible impact ~ it would have worked better I suppose to make it:
Tap. *next line* Tap. *next line* Tap *next line* It was the only sound ...
Story questions are always great, and you poured them at me ~ I was asking: Why is the woman there? Which people are behind the barrier? Is she a prisoner? Insane?
However, you did not answer them ~
Leaving the story and a hole in my heart ~ 'incomplete' ~
*It wasn’t cold as she had expected <-- (comma) but warm and inviting*
*His face was gentle, <-- (with or semi-colon) high cheek bones, pale complexion*
I liked how she got attracted by the eyes, a wonderful touch that formed the basis of your story here ~
I think you have a beginning that needs to be continued or at least expanded ~
Unless I know who the man was? What relation did he have with the woman and the questions I stated earlier, the story will be incomplete ~
An overall wonderful story ~
Theme ~ 9/10
Originality ~ 13.6/15
Flow ~ 22/25
Feeling ~ 18.6/20
Structure ~ 27/30
Total 90.2/100
Hm, you reached a ninety ~
That's impressive ~
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WOW! Very Creative and original! It was short, simple, and served its purpouse well as a story. I'd love to see some more elaboration in to the life of this thing. Where it came from, and why it is there. Very good job, and good luck.
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I forgot
Would you mind putting "I read the rules" in your authors notes. It is required in the rules. : )
Thanks -
Heylo
Well, this was insanely creative! And since I've read it before the only thing I can say is- This is a great story and I love it much! Good luck!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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this was an awsum write. it sounds like the start of a great story, tell me if u write more on it, i would luv to read.thanks for entering and gud luck!
bee xox
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This was a wonderfully descriptive piece; I just have to say that first. Every word seemed to have its own perfect little place in your story which just made everything all the better.
I loved how you managed to get across the full extent of the characters emotions without actually bringing them into the piece (eg. Hiding behind her hair showing both a sense of shyness and trepidation.)
Really well written story, and a joy to read. -
Great Writing!
very interesting! this story was very very well written and it makes me ponder a lot. It makes me think things like, why was she in prison? Who did she see? and numerous others. I like being left with questions. It make the story mysterious kind of. Great job! You have a few very very minor mistakes here and there, but nothing really problematic. i liked this a lot! thanks for entering and good luch in the contest!
--Greeneyes
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very very nice! Bravo.
Although you didn't really explain why the girl was in the prism thingie.
I still really liked it so yay!!
Good luckies!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is was beyond anything, extremely interesting and intriguing. Wonderfully penned, very nicely done!
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cool
Very creative. I liked it a lot. Bravo. I think it could have been a little longer but other than a good story. Sad though.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Congratulations! ^_^
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Thank you! :]
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Interesting. The tapping... I wasn't sure if it was people or voices inside her head, but it made her position very vivid. And I love the way you described the boy behind the barrier. Nicely done.
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This was good, I am not sure which of the options you chose for my contest. Please message me with the option.
Lady Madeline.
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I like how you described how she felt. This was short, and sweet. I liked it
But I noticed that at first you described the person's eyes as auburn but then you went on to describe it as ginger. Perhaps it was someone else she was talking about?
Anyway, I don't understand how this is supposed to make me sad. But I do like how she was solitary in the beginning, and happy when the person appeared, but then solitary again when the other disappears. Good work!
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The theme of this kind of thing was very unoriginal, however the setting FOR IT was original.
I just want to comment here on how the 'auburn eyes' turned to 'ginger eyes' in a later paragraph. They are both very different colours.
Nice ending, after finding the person, she is put back into the original situation so nothing has been acomplished. sardonic.
Thanks for entering, good luck. -
Fascinating story! I am left wanting to know where she was...... its intriguing! It has a definate air of creepyness to it, like shes in a human zoo.... really fascinating. Her sadness is tangible, and well described. A very nicely written piece. Thank you for the great entry.
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Very good.
I want to keep reading.
Mini Notes:
Used the stimulus well
didn't lag
interesting story content
left me wanting more
Overall:
Liked this story very much. loved the horror aspect as well as the almost romantic side.
FREE BUNS! ^^
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This is really good great word choice, and imagery, and excellent dialoge. Hope you did good in this contest. keep up the good work.
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awesome thank you for submitting your story i really enjoyed the wording and the sense of suttle suspense in the first paragraph.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow, is the one word comment.
This was very well done, I couldn't spot a single flaw, the situation is one I've seen before but you captured atention so well that it doesn't even matter. Very good, very good indeed!
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Crazy interesting, my friend.. Sorta weird, but hey, I like weird. I love the word usage, a lot. Good work, and good luck in the contest... Hmm. This piece has made me think, so .. props to you!
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This is well written and your imagery is beautiful. My only problem is at this part, after she'd spotted the staring eyes "Never before had someone captivated her this much." I'm sure it's safe to ascertain that the eyes belonged to a person, but as far as the reader can tell, that hasn't been verified. Other than that, a wonderful tale, though I'm not so sure I would classify this as horror. Perhaps science fiction or fantasy.
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Shoot. Im sry i entered the wrong story. sry for any inconvience that caused and thanks for reading the story anyways.
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YOU GO PERSON!
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Ohh this was very good, very interesting, and very different.
It kept my attention and I didnt want to just stop reading.
The plot was very good.
I kind of get what you're trying to do with it. Only, I cant explain it in words...
It was also very well written.
Very good, I loved this.
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Well, I must say I am a little confused. However, it was well written. Good job and good luck in my contest.
xoxo
Kelsey -
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Sry about the confusion, its hard for me to explain what i was going for. Kind of like those old freak shows of the 19th century. sort of like a zoo....in a way. does that help?
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