gaia journal entries

02/04/07

So, it turns out that my girlfriend can e-mail me, or post in this journal, and I don't get in any trouble...so long as I don't reply. This really really sucks.

02/04/07

*I fall to the ground, feeling as a warm yet icy fluid flows down my cheeks. These small drops of cringing adolescence betray me to the world. I sit on my knees, clutching my stumach in the most passionate inner pain, a pain which has never been felt by another person before me. My eyes are turned to the ground while I subdue myself in a desperate fetal position. Intently, I scream out into the darkness, I scream out my plea to nothing, "Please God, give me just one more chance. Please, I beg you, give me my heart back...I won't screw up again, I will never take her for granted! You have torn everything away from me, and I am nothing any more!" Another tear falls from my eyes, drips down my face, and lands at 'his' feet. He laughs in mocking remorse before dissipating into the shallow darkness which is slowly filling my mind.*

I can and will wait two years...the wait will be well worth it when I get to see the look of utter glea on my still beautiful beloved's face. I will never stop loving her, and I will be on her doorstep on January 29, 2009 with her favorite flower: a white rose.

I can and WILL wait two years...

02/05/07

Not many people get to know what love really is. Here in my little hick town, I had given up hope of ever finding somebody to love. I don’t know how, but I was granted the most beautiful girl in the world…I was given something so precious that nobody could ever believe how I felt about her. And somebody didn’t, obviously, for they ripped her away from me. These are some things that I don’t know whether she is or is not aware of how much I cherish.

#32: My Favorite Memories

#32: Brushing the hair out of her beautiful face.

#31: Walking around the mall for hours saying, “Can I buy that for you?”

#30: Tickle wars every night.

#29: Tickle-tickle

#28: The movie “It”.

#27: Holding her close to me for what would seem like an eternity.

#26: Fighting off the monkeys in my ceiling.

#25: Dancing.

#24: Sitting in my car and doing nothing but staring into each other’s eyes.

#23: Walking around by the highschool on my birthday.

#22: The way that just laying next to her was enough to relieve all of my fear.

#21: The first time we watched “Nightmare Before Christmas”.

#20: Sitting outside of the elementary school for the first time we said “I love you”.

#19: The diary entry which I keep in my wallet.

#18: The feeling of her hand wrapped around mine.

#17: Just watching with no real reason to be looking.

#16: The feeling of having fun whether we were doing anything or not, just being with her was enough.

#15: Walking down Willard’s trail one night.

#14: Crying next to her when we first realized that she was going to have to move away…

#13: Laying in each other’s arms for hours every night, using movies as an excuse to not have to worry about anything but each other’s love.

#12: Sitting outside of Willard Munger’s house all afternoon every day for months.

#11: The first day I brought her home from school and I recited her phone number…she was so nervous that she thought I was reciting the time that I would pick her up that night.

#10: Putting my arm over her cold shoulders that fateful night.

#09: The look on her face the day that I got back from Pennsylvania.

#08: Walking through the forest and talking for many hours the day before I left for Pennsylvania.

#07: The way that the first time I saw her cry, she looked away from me because I asked her to never let me see her in tears.

#06: The way that my heart beat harder every time I saw her in the mornings.

#05: Her phone calls every morning, calling as soon as possible to ensure that I was okay and that I was still happy.

#04: Seeing her for the first time after school every day…seeing her beauty.

#03: Sitting outside of the elementary school and talking for three hours every night for the entire first week that we were together.

#02: Our first kiss outside of Willard Munger’s house.

#01: The heart on my wall.

02/09/07

I've been dreaming a lot lately. Most of my dreams have to do with my girlfriend, of course. I always dream of simple things...things like holding her hand as we walk through a forest. One of my favorite dreams lately, and probably in ever, is one in which I got to hold her close to me...a feeling I oh so miss.

I wish that God didn't make dreams so realistic, though, because these dreams aren't the only ones that come to me in my sleep. One thing that has come back quite a few times in these past few weeks is the dream in which she finds a new way to kill herself.

It's amazing how much I miss my beautiful girlfriend, and I really wish that I could just hear from her enough to know that she's okay.

02/17/07

It's growing more and more difficult to stay happy as days go by without myh girlfriend. I found something which can keep me preoccupied from my thoughts, a boook: Eragon. In the first two days, I read 120 pages...which made me relatively proud of myself. But, in the two days following that, I'm on page 420 right now...so I've been reading almost three times as many pages per day than the first two days. It's sort of awe-striking, that i've read 300 pages in two days. It's the only thing that distracts me, though, and I'll bet that this book will be through by the end of the weekend. I just wish that I could see her for 1 day, just to know she's okay.

On that note, I found out that some people have been trying to convince my girlfriend's mom that she's been sneaking out to try and be with me, which really sucks because she will believe it eventually, and when that happens, I'm in big trouble. It will be really gay when I have to go to jail and I didn't even get to commit the crime.