I remember walking into the kitchen a thousand times. With my hair neatly parted into pigtails, every day was the same; the same pale walls, the same pale chairs. I got out of bed, I went to school, I came home from school, and I went back to bed. Life was easy. Each day as rhythmic as the skipping rope we used at lunch. The sun went up, the sun went down; life was simple. One plus one was two, and I accepted that.
Somehow it was different today. The sun shone in like any other day. The kitchen tiles were as cold on my bare feet as they were yesterday. I sloshed milk into a bowl of muesli like any other day.
But when Mum shuffled in, her eyes were red and blotchy like a baby who’d been crying. I’d never seen her like this before.
“Honey, darl- Dad’s gone.” Mum’s voice fractured my ordered life. She came to hug me but I pushed her away.
“Gone? How do you mean gone?”
“Gone.” Mum’s voice was flat. “He left last night.”
“Left?” I naively echoed, “Why? Why’d he go, Mum? Where to?”
She turned aside, becoming very interested in the corners of the kitchen walls. I was confused. Dads aren’t meant to do that. Dads are meant to stick around. Dads read you bedtime stories in funny voices, dads build sandcastles with you at the beach, they drop you off at school on the way to work. They stick around. They don’t just leave. Why did he then? Why would he? What had happened?
Mum ran her fingers through her un-brushed hair, searching for a way to tell me. She sighed.
“Your dad fell out of love with me,” Mum wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “He thought it’d be best for everyone if he didn’t live here anymore…”
She sounded dull and empty, as though dad had taken away more than just himself. I felt full of questions. I could feel them hurtling around inside me like a headache out of control. Did she really mean it? Dad had gone? He didn’t even say goodbye! He’d come back wouldn’t he? When? He’d visit, wouldn’t he? He’d ring?
“But- ” I looked up at Mum to see if she knew, but her eyes were swimming in a million questions. No one knew the answers.
“He’s got a house in Sydney, honey…” Her voice was barely a whisper. “We’ll get through this, alright?”
Suddenly I wasn’t hungry anymore. My breakfast could do what it liked, but I was going back to bed. I clomped back and clambered onto the bed, pulling the blankets high about my face. I could hear unearthly sobs from down the hall though I could tell mum was trying not to let me hear.
After half an hour the noises stopped; I think Mum went back to sleep. I sat there on the bed breathing in the quietness for what seemed like hours, half trying to convince myself that it was all some terrible dream.
At 11:57am the telephone screamed through the sterile silence. Then I heard Mum swear loudly as she jumped up and kicked her foot on the doorframe. Usually she was so sweet and mother-like, but she marched across the house and roughly picked up the phone.
Today was the day it all changed, the day my world became complicated. Today was the day I grew up all too quickly.
Author notes
Written for school. I was given the prompt 'The world was simpler then.' How's it for an hour's writing?
And I think I should write (stories) more often. I get an indescribable kick out of acting the characters.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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hm
very close to home. as always, very realistic adn well written. i've run out of praises to sing (=
i so wish i could write like that in an hour
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I really enjoyed this piece, wonderfully expressed, and only after an hours work! This story really drew me in, I throughly enjoyed this engaging and very interesting write. Keep up the excellent and detailed work! (I love the details in this story) I agree, you should most definitely keep on writing these wonderful stories!
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Yeah, you definitely should write stories more often. They really are great... and this was amazing for just an hour's work! I bet you get/got a really good mark on this. One line I really liked was "One plus one was two, and I accepted that." This really made me smile and the whole first paragraph grabbed my attention and drew me straight in. Excellent job, and keep it up!
~Kevan!~
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thanks a million for your lovely comment.
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I liked it! I agree with NewGuy90 you don't need anyone to tell you you're good because I'm sure you already know that. This was a really good story and I enjoyed reading it. =)
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thanks so much for your comment
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Ok, I’m not going to praise you, I’m not going to say stuff like “This is really good considering you wrote it for school and within a hour”, “You have a talent for writing and you should keep going at it”, “It’s a really good piece and you could make it even better than it extraordinary is already” and bla bla bla because you probably know all of this already!
If you want to, edit it so that it would have a lot more details, and it might become a superb read, (not that it isn’t already). I can relate to this in a way. My mom and dad got divorced when I was about 9. Thanks for the story; it has a deeper meaning for me and I enjoyed it. Looking forward to more great work!
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Thanks so much!
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Seems so good, very much the kind of thing i would expect to see if i flicked open the covers of a book from the library. you liek the characterisation of your own characters, thats good, it woudlnt be much good if you hated your characters, it really does help to elaborate on details though..
My dad left when i was 5, so this has a bigger meaning to me..
Very well done, and for an hour, this is fntastic.... -
Only an hour's writing?
Excellent job for having been written so quickly. :-)
I don't know if you had a word limit for this as a school assignment, but now that you're free to edit it as much as you want, I suggest adding a few more details to make the scene even more real and emotional.
For example, your character's dialogue is realistic, but I suggest adding a bit more internal dialogue--the i.d. you have now is excellent, I'd just like to see a little more. What exactly are the thoughts going through your VP's head when she first sees her mother? Add a few more descriptions of the mother as well, especially her actions.
What you have here already is great--I'd just like to see a bit more of it! :-)
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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wow...this story is very emotional...I LIKE IT!
what you wrote came from the heart...its sad but as you continue reading, you'll see that you can get over it and move on with your life.
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Thank you ever so much for your beautiful comment and applause.
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I really like this because it seemed very real and very natural. If this was true than I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but if it's not, then good job anyways!
My favorite part was when you were talking about how dad's don't just leave, they're supposed to read you stories, build sandcastles etc. etc. I'm not sure why, but I just really liked it.
Definitely keep writing!
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Thanks a million for your lovely comment. And no, it's not something I've been through at all.
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this is very good story i like your descripton and detail keep up the good work, i can relate to it as well
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Thanks ever so much for your comment. I'm sorry this is something you can relate to.
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Excellent for an hours writing!
A deft and distinctive style and my conclusion is you surely should write more stories.
Would be curious to discover what topic/subjects you might choose to explore.
Well done, nice to see you have lots of friends to comment on your work.
amicus...
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Thanks for your great comment.
As for lots of friends...
I don't actually know anyone but the person who left the first comment. And I never come on Story Write. I don't know why everyone's reading my story all of a sudden!! 
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Definately Intriguing
I only found a couple of mistakes like, "the sun came went down," and other minor things like that. All together, I like the story. It's got a good structure and an interesting plot, but, there's one thing that was sort of strange. I didn't notice what it was, at first, but eventually decided that your style of setting commas and periods takes a little getting used to. I'm no english major or anything, but, maybe you should try blending a couple of sentences together...just a thought.
Signed,
Culvert
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Thanks for your comment and applause.
I never noticed the came/went mistake, and I'm surprised no one else picked up on it either!
And about my style, I find that I do tend to write as if I'm talking. (I haven't worked out if that's a good or a bad thing yet. ) The short sentences were meant to add to the confusion and distress, portrayed from a child's point of view. I'm not sure how effective that turned out to be..
Thanks again.
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Nice..
Good answer to the prompt. Nice. -
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Thanks ever so much.
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I love the title of this...this story is very good!!! Good job!
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Thanks a million for reading and leaving a comment.
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Your title called out to me =)
I am a grown up (22) who can't let go of her childhood.. maybe that's why I still sort of act like a teenager and like to do things young people enjoy doing I think an advantage may be that I FEEL younger, ergo, look younger too But.. I think it's not about my immaturity, rather, the truth that things were happier as a child - perhaps, it is tied with our childhood innocence... or just the way children view things.
Like your character, I was forced to "grow up" very young - I discovered my dad had another family (and it was NOT at all in a good way, the discovery I mean). So... I lost about 5 years of my childhood... which is probably why I seem to enjoy that lost years of my life.
Sometimes, even if adults try to save their children form pain, things just are inevitable... I could relate so much with this I'm sure I'm not the only one who could relate with it
An hour's worth of writing this is, but you've written something beautifully. You just have to watch out for your tenses they tend to change in some parts but.. that is all. I really enjoyed reading this Thank you for sharing this piece!
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Oh, I have recently dicovered I suck at tenses, in poetry and stories too! I'll see if I can fix things up. Thanks for your comment and applause.
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Awww.... teh papa left them! *cries*
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Thanks for reading!
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Great!
Love the fast pace and way you punched right to the heart of the story. If you wanted to make this longer you could always add details but for this length I think it is terrific.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks for the awesome comment.
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That was really good. I like what you did with the prompt. Great little story here. You're good at writing. Keep it up. God Bless!
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Thanks a million for your lovely comment.
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Wow, this is great so far. I can really relate to the character, I'd really like to read more from you. Great job, keep it up.
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Thanks for your lovely comment. I don't write stories very much, but I'll post around here when I do!
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The plot, along with your writing style, is wonderful. The only advice I have for you is that the story line is so strong and emotional, and the way you put it into words is just so blunt. Sometimes that can be a really great, creative way to write a story, but I don't quite think so in this case. I think some more details could do wonders. Nice vocab and imagery though! I enjoyed it!
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Thanks for the comment, I know what you mean about it seeming rather blunt. As this was written for school, I was restricted by time and length etc and I also wrote it from a fairly young character's view, thinking it suited a frank sort of way to be told. But I'll definitely keep your thoughts in mind when I next write. Thanks again.
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Good job!
I'm eager to know what you scored in that test or assignment! This is very well-written. The rhythm is perfect, and the story is very convincing.. Also an apt choice for the title. -
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Miss hasn't marked them yet, so I don't know how I went! Thanks a million for your comment.
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Amazing!
DancingRed, you nearly gave me a heart-attack!
At first I actually thought you were SERIOUS! *Breathes deeply.* I was horrified.
But then I read the authors comment.
I'm sure you'll get full marks for this assignment! You had me convinced, and that's definitely an important part in a story - convincing the reader. -
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Thank you!
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