Loss of Friendship

Celina and I had been friends since I had moved to this small town at the tender age of two. She was one of the first people I had met, and I know everything about her, and I don't just mean her favorite color (which is pink if you would like to know). I know how she thinks, how she plans, and I know what makes her tick. I know her a lot better then even she could have guessed.

She has only ever done one thing in our lives that has ever surprised me, and that thing was cutting me loose.

Have you ever had a friend that knew every detail about your life? They are your confidant, and know things that could make their parents hair curl? That is what kind of friend I was to her. I sometimes joked to myself that I was her therapist, and often that is what it felt like. I wasn't the same kind of person she hung out with, and I didn't quite fit in with who she was, yet for some reason she kept me around.

Even though we had known each other for quite some time we didn't become really close until our sophomore year of high school. That year we were inseparable. There were two people I spent time with that year, my boyfriend Ben, and her. She was the only one of my friends I really hung out with anymore because she was one of the few willing to put up with both Ben and myself. It was all great until last May when Ben broke up with me.

I was absolutely devastated because Ben was a lot more then my boyfriend; he was best friend, and my rock. I of course was heartbroken like any normal teenage girl would be. So I like any normal teenage girl called my best friend. He broke up with me at the school dance, and Celina, who had SATs the next morning wasn't there. So I went and stayed with another friend who happened to live right across the street from her.

The next morning before she left we walked across the street so I could see her. I just really wanted a hug, for some reason I felt like a hug from her would make everything okay. I didn't get that hug. I got there, and I could see it in her eyes. Something was different in her; she wasn't the same person I had known the day before. The same girl who had sat with me when her boyfriend had said thing he shouldn't have and eaten giant sundaes with more chocolate syrup then thought possible. She wasn't that girl anymore. She wasn't even the girl I had rode ponies with at backyard birthday parties as small children. She different, she was gone.

I decided to ignore what I had thought I had seen, and her unusual coldness, and pretend that morning hadn't happened. I became extremely depressed over the loss of my boyfriend, especially after I found out (as I had suspected), he left me for someone else and already had another girlfriend. There were even rumors circulating that he had cheated on me, and the worst part was the people telling me this, were some of his best friends. I was torn apart, and considered killing myself several times. I was having a hard time holding it together.

On top of all that my dad was coming off a slightly abusive streak, and my mom kept threatening to move out. The only people who knew this were Ben and Celina. Whenever something came up talking to Ben wasn't exactly an option, so I turned to Celina.

I immediately noticed she was acting different and I got really scared. I didn't really say anything to anyone because I thought I was making something out of nothing, but I noticed more and more often she had other things when I asked to hang out. She even hung out with our whole group of friends a lot less, which I gathered together to hang out more and more often in attempts to keep my mind off things.

By the end of the summer I wasn't seeing her at all, and I was glad to see her at schools start again in hopes that everything would be back to normal. It wasn't, in fact it got worse. She barely associated with me, and made jokes about me all the time. I ignored it, and just laughed along for the most part. Things had gotten really bad with me. I know everyone knew something was wrong, and everyone knew I was really depressed, but I honestly didn't let anyone know how bad it truly was.

I spent the next few months trying to reinvent myself, along with Cole. I had known her awhile as well, not as long as Celina, but long enough. She and I had always been tight no matter what, and over the summer she got me a job, and got me to pull myself together a bit more. We went everywhere together over the summer, and she even got me to do something everyone else had been trying to do for years, cut my hair, two and half feet to be exact.

By December, I was practically on my feet again. I had my depression in check, and was doing a lot better.

Then one weekend my venture crew went on the USS Salem. We had been there many times, and I loved it there. We normally spent our time there repainting one room or another. There was this guy who worked on the ship Dan, really cute, let me tell you. I had had a crush on him since I had met him. He was smart, spoke five languages, older. Everything a 17 year old girl dreams of. He spent the whole weekend flirting with Celina, and Celina (who had just had her one year anniversary with her boyfriend) flirted back. Now right here most girls would have gotten angry, and jealous. While I did get jealous, I didn't get angry. I didn't even mind at all, I was actually happy. I didn't like Celina's boyfriend at all, and any threat to him, was great to me. I found Celina's boyfriend abusive, and overbearing. So I thought Dan came along at a perfect time, but nothing really panned out. Over the weekend though Dan I talked a lot and I started too really like him. Which to me was amazing, he was my first real crush since Ben.

A week or later I was online talking to him, and I confessed that I had had a nasty crush on him for ages. Surprisingly his reaction was a good one, and we spent much of the night talking. I was so excited, we were getting along really well, but like I always do I came on a little too hard. So he kind of started to back off, which didn't surprise me, and I did the same. Though about a week later Celina came into school with some attitude.

I was in the Cafeteria before the first bell rang trying to get everything together when I head her voice.

"He is sick of you, you know?" She said.

I ignored her; it was the day before Christmas break, I was handing out gifts, and I did NOT want to talk to her.

"He hates you, you know, he wants you to just leave him alone." She kept going.

"I got your point, okay," I said, I didn't want to talk about this in front of everyone I knew. I knew if it got too far, I was either going to fall apart, or punch her, either was not something I wanted to do right then and there.

"Well I’m his friend, just leave him alone, I'm doing what any good friend would do," She said in her high pitched squeaky voice.

I had been walking out of the cafeteria, I was going to take myself away from it, and not deal with it. I knew better then to listen to her, I knew she lied more then I ever had, which was quite a lot. But she had yelled it across the room letting the whole room hear it, and publicly announcing she would pick anyone else before she would be my friend. I was genuinely surprised, but I wasn't going to let her beat me.

I turned around walked back across the room, got right in her face and replied, "You know what? You are just a little bitch who has to get in everyone's business. No one really cares what you say, and this is none of your business, so do me and the world a favor, and Fuck off."

Then I left. I went off to find a friend, who I had told about Dan. I was sobbing the minute I was out of her sight, and needed somewhere to hide.

I spent all day thinking about it, and by the time last block came along I was fuming, and worst part was, she was in my class.

I could hear her heels click through the door, and I took just one more deep breathe in an attempt to control my temper, which was known for being well, quite out of control. I was already very angry because I had been hit in the eye with a dodge ball earlier when I hadn't been looking.

"Oh Kate, are you all right?" she asked.

"Oh now you care?" I replied with as much sarcasm and contempt I could muster without setting myself off.

"I was just trying to help a really good friend."

"Oh really? You did a crappy job of it."

"You weren't that friend," She replied smartly.

"I'm glad you weren't, because I would have to correct you, because we aren't friends."

"Now Kate...”

"Walk Away,"

"Kate," She repeated over any over again while I kept telling her to walk away from me.

"Walk away while you can still walk," I replied loud enough for the whole class to hear.

"Kate why don't you go take a walk," The teacher told me, knowing that if I was threatening her, I must have been serious.

I took that walk, came back, and didn't say a word. I actually spent the class pretend she didn't exist at all.

That night I was home alone for a bit, my mom and dad were at work, and my sister was at a friend's house, so when the phone rang I had to answer it.

"Hello is Kate there?" I heard her say.

"It's me," I replied wishing I had made plans for the evening.

"Hey it’s Celina, I was wondering if you were going on the summer trip with Venture Crew," She asked.

"No I can't go,"

"Okay, well that is all I needed to know..."

"No wait, I want to talk first," I had cooled down by then, and I wanted to settle this out. She had been my closest friend last year; I wanted to hear out why this was happening once and for all.

"What is going on?" I asked.

"Easy, you’re a horrible friend," She replied in a completely serious tone.

"Wait I don't think I heard you right, you just called me a horrible friend? I don't think I'm the one who ditched their best friend at the time they needed them most," I replied.

"Well you were all depressed when Ben broke up with you, and I didn't want to deal with that," She answered simply, like it was something that should have been obvious to anyone.

"Wait so all those times I was there for you, you think that wasn't work for me? Only I had to put in work, was this a one way friendship?" I asked

"Listen, you just got depressed, and you bored me, end of story, simple as that."

I could not believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. I could have killed her. I know I had been a real bitch to her that day. Every time she passed me, I called her a bitch, and mentioned how much I couldn't stand her nice and loudly to the person I was talking to, but this was ridiculous. I couldn't believe that she was actually serious.

"No one likes you, you know," she continued," They hate how you are emo, and don't want to put up with it. They also don't like how you keep coming in talking about how you are always loosing weight, it’s not impressive."

"It isn't supposed to be impressive," I replied, "I've been constantly loosing large amounts of weight, I'm proud."

"Well no one likes it, everyone, including my parents, think you have issues, and we don't like it," She continued.

"Well no one likes me? Well did anyone come up to you and tell you how happy they were that someone finally told me how much of a bitch I am and how much no one likes me? No one? Really? That’s interesting because if everyone hates me, how come I had at least a dozen people come up to me and tell me how proud they are that I ditched you? That’s really weird."

That’s when I heard Dial tone. I couldn't hold it off any longer, I just went off on her, and laid it out. Every word I spoke to her that day was true.

That night I went home and flipped out on Dan, to find out basically everything she said was a lie. He said I had come on strong, but not as bad as she had said at all.

Now I can say a word to her without having to hold onto something so I won't punch her, but I still can't stand her. Every time someone comes up to talk to her I want to tell them the whole story about what she did before it’s too late for them. I don't want any of them becoming me that is for sure.

Most people walk away from experiences like this saying they learned something. Most of the time they tell you something inspiring, something that later becomes one of those cute quotes that end up on someone’s icon. Not today though, the only thing I learned from this was, don't trust people, if you don't get close to anyone, they can't hurt you. I know it’s a bitter view of life, but it’s an honest one.

I walked away from this colder and bitterer then before. Which if you ask most, it didn't seem possible at the time, but she proved them all wrong.

Just like I am going to set out to prove her wrong. I am somebody, whether she believes it or not, and even if all her dreams come true, and she becomes valedictorian of Harvard, or wherever else she decides to waste all of her money, I will always know, that I am better then her. I know there is more to life then money, and a boyfriend who I don't really love.

I can also tell you the lesson I hope she learned, don't alienate the person you told all of your secrets too because there is one thing my dad taught me in all these years, and that is don't get mad, get even.