Prologue- 1
It was a sticky heat; the kind that made you feel dirty five minutes after getting out of the shower, and made your clothes cling all day. The air circulation units were working overtime to compensate, but didn’t seem to make a dent in the city as Marienda walked down the street. She glanced to her left, gazing out the side of one of the atmospheric domes that made living here possible.2
At this time of the planet’s rotation cycle, the landscape was a deep red. It wasn’t much of an improvement from the black that replaced it for nearly half of the year. Marienda shook her head at her human ancestor's decision to settle on this planet. Nothing could grow here; nothing could live here without geodesic protection; and nothing could leave here. 3
In a couple months, darkness would encase the domes, bringing the temperature down. The need for humidity to sustain the altered plant life through the dark months was the reason Marienda felt uncomfortably sticky. In fact, the only good times on this piece of rock were the month before and after the sun baked landscape turned completely away from the too near sun. 4
When the landscape hovered on the apex between night and day, the land outside was habitable. The others in the massive city made going out a pilgrimage of near epic proportions. Marienda was no different. She went with the others, relishing the feel of real air on her body, and kept that memory with her until the time came again to go out beyond the domes.5
She looked out the dome again, watching the dark line grow slowly closer. She could see two of the six domes that surrounded the massive main dome, all seven connected through tunnels that made the city look like an enormous seven kilometer wide hexagon wheel. In a few weeks, she would once again be going out. But this time she might not be coming back.6
~~~~~~~~~~7
She woke with a start, gasping for breath as she grabbed for the clock on the side table. Inhaling deeply as she looked at it, confirming the time that she knew it would be, Marienda let the clock go with a disgusted sigh and fell back onto the pillows. She glanced up, moaning as the sunlight made its way through a small tear in her window covers. At three in the morning it was still noon bright.8
Marienda hated this time of the night. He always came to her at this time. Usually the dreams were just of him beckoning to her, while other times they were sensual, bordering on erotic. She had been dreaming about him for nearly a year now, and the episodes seemed to escalate the nearer it got to the time when she would be able to go out of the dome. Rarely ever did the dreams cause her discomfort, and she could only think of twice before when they had. 9
The first had been the day after she had returned to the dome during the last rotational cycle. She had fought the temptation while outside to follow his wishes that she walk across the vast plains to the mountains. Had she gone, she might not have been able to make it back in time before the darkness fell, and there was no way that she was going to risk her life over a dream. The images she saw that night were graphic enough that she woke screaming, the noise prompting her neighbors to call the officials on her. The dream made her afraid to sleep for nearly a week. 10
The second time was when she had been assigned to her mate. The dreams he had given her then had been full of loathing and near despair. She woke crying at three that morning, knowing that she could not unite sexually with her new mate in the ritual celebrations when the population exited the dome. 11
He wanted her for himself.12
She laughed lightly as she placed her arm over her eyes. Saving herself for some phantom that visited only in her dreams. Marienda got out of bed and walked across her sparse room to the food unit, the sunlight coming from the small tear casting shadows over her bare skin. Selecting an alcoholic drink, she consumed it in one swallow, then sat at the counter table to think.13
Running her finger through her tan brown hair, she decided to try to make it to the mountains this time. If she left the moment she exited the dome, and if she could avoid her newly picked mate, then she could walk the to the mountains in a little under two weeks. By staying one week to find out that she had been imagining the whole thing, then she could be back in time to return with the others before the sun disappeared for eight months.14
Her people’s gestation cycle would allow the females to give birth on the outside when it was safe to go out again between the light and dark, thus allowing the new generation to strive and survive. She was unsure of how she would explain her disappearance to her mate, and her non-pregnancy to others, but she pushed that to the back of her mind, vowing to deal with them when the time came.15
Author notes
Just something I whipped up tonight. I'm sort of stuck on Tales From The Triple Suns, so I'm trying to get ideas flowing
In a list
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
-
This kind of story is right up my alley. I don't know why I've not read this one yet as clear as your lists are lol.
Most people don't really know how to write sci-fi without adding a bunch of crap in there that hasn't been told a 100 times.
You've got talent so now I must finish reading the rest.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
Very intriguing story. I like good sci-fi that involves a bit of deep thinking to read. I'm working on a sci-fi novel now, and I keep running into some blocks. The next surge will come along soon to bring me to the end.
I'll bookmark this so I can continue to read. You have a great imagination.
Good cliff-hanger at the end, by the way.
Read you soon,
Beth
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
Thanks for the comment!
I've been meaning to go over this 'novel' and tune it up a bit... your comment reminded me of that
Those blocks that you run into while writting sci-fi can be a pain (literally). I had some with this novel... I think after I did chapter 15, it took 8 months to post chapter 16.
Which goes to show that those blocks can be overcome!
-
-
Yeah!
Oh....Yeah!! I was in a bit of a rush so i didnt see that. Can't wait to read them all! -
Brownies for the author!
thats interesting! I enjoyed it! *claps*
Next chapter, please. -
Someone actually promoted this for me???
I mean, how sweet 
This use to be two separate chapters, divided where the ~~~~ is. Most things can be described in the following chapters.
Thank you for reading!
-
A nice prelude to a serious piece that hopefully will tell us the whole story. I hate getting just pieces! I'm left wondering if you are going to describe the people a bit more, tell us about their differences from their ancestors. (I'm also not too sure this is even in Sol system. I'm sure that will be cleared up eventually.)
Looking forward to seeing the next installment! -
There are eighteen more chapters to this Just click on the collection link near the chapter title
-
great write!
interesting, but a little confusing. the whole setting of the planet, and the people on it could be explained a little better. are there anymore chapters to this coming? -
Very interestring, Barbara. I would like to "see" more of what the cities look like... th buildings, and if there is anything about her mate that is repulsive, other than the fact that she is having dreams about some phantom man. Would like to know how this man was chosen as her mate, and why she couldn't pick one of her own. So many directions this can go in, I can see it would be very fun to write.
-
Ooh.. intriguing! I want to see more of this story - interesting to see where it goes from here, and what the importance of the title "Walk On Mountains" is....
I like your writing style, it's definately individual - kind of clinical, but it definately keeps the reader's interest. And Marienda is a great choice of name... just the right balance of futuristic and tangible, and very pretty too! -
The first bit seems like it was taken from fact. Now I don't know much about any planet besides the Earth so if that was made up you did a great job. The whole story is great so far. I cannot wait for more.
-Amber -
good
I quite enjoyed this read. It will be interesting to see where it goes from here. A few editorial comments:
She glanced to her left, gazing out the side of one of the atmospheric domes that made living (here) possible
- I would remove "here" as an un-needed word.
Rarely ever did the dreams cause her discomfort, and she could only think of twice before when they had
- this one just seems ackward.
Good luck with the next bit. I look forward to the reading.
John -
So far, I read all the way without losing interest. That is a good thing with me, because I have a very short attention span. That explains my short writes poems and stories. The longest story I have ever written is on about 1700 words next is something over 1400 mostly they are from 300 to around 800 I think. Just essays. So reading one this long all at one sitting would usually take some doing, but I din't lose interest at all. And as for the fuzzy parts, you have either fixet them, or someone else is much better at finding them than I am. Like Rubee says, you are not supposed to explain the entire book in the prologue. That person must be used to reading essays like me. You have a wonderful start on a novel here. If I don't come back soon give me a nudge to remind me, because it will be my forgetfullness that is keeping me away.
Damon D. Brewer -
in that case I'll read all of it!!! Cool! Cool beans, good stuff! All right! If I was a publisher, would you accept my offer to publish it? Even though I'm not...But I would offer it! I've read a couple more chapters, but I didn't comment on them, I'll go back and do that though.
-
Thank you for your comment This is listed under Science Fiction and Fantasy, and not one chapter is under adult. (Some might border on PG-13, but it's nothing that isn't on afternoon soaps or tacky talk shows)
-
...wow...well put Rubee...good point, and well made...so, anyway, this is a great prologue. I won't be able to read all of it since its in adult, but I'll read what i can. I'm a kid and I like it! Even with my short attention span...I love it. I'll be checking in.
-
I read your 'points' write, so I won't mind now to point out a typo LOL...2nd last paragraph 'walk the to the mountains'
...now for the serious critiquing!! LOL... I loved this, and yes, it kinda reminded me of Total Recall too as I kept reading further (tho I don't have a sick mind like LMM ...J/K but breasts never entered my mind once ROFL)..But Barbara, I wish you tons of luck and success on your novel writing. I really believe you could be a famous Canadian author and I hope you do, cos I could say "I knew her when"!!! Heck, these could even be made into a movie of the week if not a big screen movie. There's lots of interest out there for sci-fi/fantasy movies & books out there..we all need an escape!!!
AND, as for Annihilation's comment..you can't explain "everything" in the prologue..no author does that. That's what the next 300+ pages are for!!
Edited on May 17, 10:41 p.m. because ''. -
So either you've changed this, or I can't see any fuzzy points. Nothing worse than over explaining things, and just mentioning the dreams adds to the mystery.
-
Comments from the original chapter 1...which started at "She woke with a start.."
shastadaisey123 on May 05, 1:10 p.m.
Flirting with disaster 689 critiques, 73 poems. Currently online. said:
"allowing the new generation to strive anad survive"...very good line ...I like this ,Quite interesting and spellbinding..good work...freda (reply?)
LilMissMuffet on May 05, 9:54 p.m.
chocolate makes the world go round 1332 critiques, 127 poems. said:
ohhhhh this is gonna be good!!!!! (reply?)
pink-roses on May 06, 12:20
Ocean & star,both am I,broken wings yet stil I fly 94 critiques, 0 poems. said:
Look forward to reading the rest (reply?)
Renata on May 06, 8:48 p.m.
I'm making a CAREER of evil!! 292 critiques, 7 poems. said:
Interesting. There are some places where your meaning's kind of fuzzy, but I get the overall picuture. I'll be bugging you for more soon (reply?)
wattle on May 07
52 critiques, 0 poems. said:
great - thank you - more please (I need it) (reply?)
tookie 4 days ago
you can break your leg by jumping to conclusions 27 critiques, 1 poems. said:
She has tan brown hair....isn't tan brown the same thing? or is it a light brown? (yes, it is stupid question time )
One of these days, I am going to have to read these chapters in order. (reply?)
Barbara 4 days ago
got chocolate? 1362 critiques, 166 poems. Currently online. said:
Tan brown is a color on it's own...sort of like light brown, dark brown....and so on. I know that tan is a brown, but..hey,I thought it sounded cool (edit?)
Sector-Hunter 3 days ago
Your smile can give light even in the dark 1814 critiques, 173 poems. said:
I really enjoyed this the little story you have going here is wonderful has a nice feel to it I will have to come back to see the rest of this lots of love Robin...aka SH (reply?)
elg1610 3 days ago
There's more to life than death and suicide. 186 critiques, 9 poems. said:
There are a couple of times, where your description is quite vague. But at other times it'll be just outstanding. This is a really good opening chapter. (reply?)
sanity 3 days ago
Cherish what you have before you lose it 1174 critiques, 41 poems. said:
I think what is being said about vague and fuzzy is
She had been dreaming about him for nearly a year now, and the episodes seemed to escalate the nearer it got to the time when she would be able to go out of the dome. Rarely ever did the dreams cause her discomfort, and she could only think of twice before when they had.
The first had been the day after she had returned to the dome during the last rotational cycle. The images she saw were sad enough to make her cry in her sleep, and graphic enough to make her afraid to sleep for nearly a week.
maybe there could be more detail in this, show us what she saw, make us feel a part of her........ another thing, who is she? what is she? why do they only come out of the dome 4 months of the year, a little background information would be nice...........
Take care
sanity
I hope this helps............... (reply?)
Annihilation 1 hour ago
The Almighty Ebony Strikes Again 16 critiques, 8 poems. said:
It's very good- a book I would probably flick through, read the first chapter or so, and then buy if it was something I saw at Border's. However, I have a few questions.
1. What, exactly, is she? At some times she seems human. Others, it's like she's some alien creature. Bring her more into focus- let me feel through her hands, see through her eyes, taste through her lips.
2. What was that whole dream thing about? The whole chapter is mainly about her dream, but what was the dream? Who's her mate, and why does he want her? Why do her people pick mates? How do they pick them?
3. What is this 'dome' anyway? Why is it dome-shaped? Is there a reason it's dome-shaped?
I, personally, see this as more of a prologue, more of a hook, then a chapter. But that's for you to ponder (reply?) -
I like it. It's intruiging. It makes the reader want to continue. If the story is as good as the prologue is then it's going to be fantastic!
-
This was really good you just poped this out huh lol well it was great the background for it is nice too lots of love Robin...aka SH
-
LMM! Ya know what? I thought about doing that last night...making 3 breast for some of the characters...but then I immediately thought about "Married With Children", when Al Bundy was talking about three breast aliens(I think), two on the front, and the other on the back. (Why?) For dancing.....and he mimed waltzing. SO, I don't thinkI could write seriously with that in mind
And thanks for the comment....you'll have to keep reading, since a few chapters will be listed as
adult.
-
Encase? Eeeep! I had "the dome would be incased in....." but changed it...thanks for pointing that out. I had this listed under sci-fi, but changed it to fantasy. I think I might list it(the whole story) under both categories.
Thanks for the comment, and thank you for reading.
-
Fantasy? Seems like you're melding it with sci-fi, but I guess I'd have to read more. Very interesting so far, with that mean little cliffhanger .
P.S.
I do believe you meant 'encase' in the third paragraph. Sorry. I'm micro-editing. -
hey ya got me hooked! i'm not usually into this futuristic fantasy stuff, but this sounds pretty interesting! kinda reminds me of a "Total Recall" kinda thingie...does she have 3 breasts? lol
-
nice read - it flows like a dove in flight - thank you
Adding your comment:
1 - 27 of 27
