The Hated

I would regret it. I would regret it so much, but the razor lying on the floor just looked so...friendly. I struggled. I would not do it. I turned my back to the razor. I was stronger than this. I glanced over my shoulder. I sighed and slowly dragged myself of the bed. I reached out for the razor, gripping it tightly in my hand, its sharp edge piecing my skin. The pain tingled through my hand. I liked that feeling. I took the razor in one hand and pressed it to my wrist with the other. I slowly dragged it across. A thin line of blood leaked through the slice. At first it was a small amount but it grew and suddenly my whole wrist was covered in my blood. My wrist was throbbing. I gritted my teeth. I would not scream. I clenched my hands into fists. The blood dripped onto my carpet. That would stain. I was starting to feel light headed. I lay on my back, staring up at my ceiling. This was his fault. I would be doing this if it weren’t for him. I felt dizzy and soon the whole room was spinning. I closed my eyes and passed out.

I was blinded by light. It was so bright. Was I dead? Was this heaven? I heard a voice, no a few voices. Someone was crying. Suddenly everything became clear. I was in a white room, a bright light above me. When turned my head slowly. I saw my mother sitting on a chair next to me. Her eyes were red and swollen. She was talking to someone. I turned my head slowly to the other side and saw a doctor. I sighed to myself. I was in hospital.

‘Dawn?’ my mother asked me. I looked at her and smiled, but my smile faded. I hated hospitals, almost as much as I hated him. Mother gave me a look of pity and disappointment.

‘How are you feeling?’ she asked.

‘Like shit,’ I answered absently.

‘Dawn! Watch your language!’ Mother snapped. I rolled my eyes and muttered under my breath.

‘You’re going to be just fine,’ the doctor said, a fake smile on his face. The truth was he hated me. He hated what I did to myself. He thought I was just some silly girl who wanted attention. Well, he got the last part right, attention, but not from him. Not from these people. I wanted attention from him; I wanted Jake’s attention. He didn’t call me anymore, he didn’t care anymore. I hated him.

I gave the doctor my best smile that said ‘Get out of my face, or I’ll break it!’ The doctor got the message and backed off. I turned back to Mother.

‘Can we go home now?’ I hissed at her. She picked up her bag and looked at the doctor.

‘We just need to do a check-up, ask a few questions, then your good to go,’ he answered. I sighed and rolled my eyes. I calmed myself. Questions? What about?

‘Is everything okay at home?’ the woman asked. I shrugged, just like I had with all of her questions. I could tell she was getting annoyed. That was my aim.

‘Are you sure, because sometimes it’s best to tell,’ she told me. I smiled.

‘And sometimes it’s best not to,’ I answered, cheekily. Her face twitched. She bowed her head, pretending to look at her notes, but I could hear her counting to ten. I rolled my eyes and sat back in my chair.

‘Four…five…’ she whispered.

‘Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Yeah I can count too. Now can I please go?’ I snapped.

‘Yes, please,’ she answered her face tight. I smiled and walked out the room. I reached for the door and opened it. I turned to the woman before walking out. She was watching me. I gave her a wave and walked out, slamming the door behind me.

‘Dawn!’ Mother yelled.

‘Yes?’ though I already knew what she meant.

‘I have had it up to here with you! If you don’t give a damn about your life then fine! Go kill yourself, but don’t expect anyone to miss you! Honestly, why do you act so stupid sometimes???’ she screamed at me. People began staring and muttering under their breaths. I hated their attention. I could feel my face go red. This was all Mothers’ fault. I hated her. I grabbed my Mother’s shoulders and slammed her into the wall behind her. I got inches away from her face.

‘Do you know what my life is like? Do you know the pain that runs in my veins? Do you know what it’s like to hate so many people? Do you know what it’s like to love someone so much, that you would so anything for them, anything! But they just don’t give a shit? Do you know what my life is like?’ I screamed at her. She was shocked and scared, but that just made me excited. I had issues, I’m not stupid, I knew I was weird but I didn’t care. I wanted Mother to know what I woke up to every morning and turned my back on every night. I wanted her to see through my eyes, step into my shoes and be me for once.

I stood and stared at the razor in my hand. I looked over the edge of the high bridge. I wished I could fly away of it. I stared at the razor. How my pleasure it gave me, but it almost took my life. Anger built up inside of me. I clenched the razor tightly in my hand and then threw it far into the ocean below me. It flew and plopped into the black water below. I dreamed away after it, then turned and began the long walk home. I would change my life. I don’t love you anymore…