As all the naked boys and girls danced around on stage, I couldn't help but think of how this would have been considered as softcore pornography only twenty years ago.
These days however, this was entertainment for the rich and sophisticated, and it didn't feel as dirty anymore.
Though I must admit peeking extra at the young, perky girls myself, this was not meant to be arousing, but the kind of entertainment that ballet used to be... long ago, back at earth.
But that life ended fifteen years ago, and though I missed it, there was no turning back.
But in this hour of retrospectives, I felt more and more like a peeping tom, and soon enough got up and left, walking past dozens of wealthy middle-aged men.
As I got out of the dance-theater and took a breath of the polluted industrial air, I suddenly felt like having a cigarette.
But there was no such thing anymore, as the last ones had been smoked over ten years ago.
This day just wouldn't stop bringing back memories of my past life, would it?
Ahh, it was doomed to happen someday anyway... I missed things.
I missed my wife, my son, our dog and our small suburban house.
I missed the suburban me.
"No risk, no fun" someone said to me back at earth.
I couldn't remember who said it, but I remember the words.
It's the stupidest thing I have ever heard, I'm sure of it.
Fifteen years ago we all took the risk, but it sure as hell didn't bring me any fun.
As I walked home, I saw thousands of faces staring at me.
Always the same... Tons of big buildings, thousands of windows and millions of unknown faces staring out of them.
They were the liquid people, the machines, the workers.
I'm not really even sure that they are machines, but then again, why should I care?
I know only one thing about my current life, and that's that I'm looking for something, but I don't know what... And maybe I never will.
Maybe it's my wife. I remember her last words to me, fifteen years ago,; "Don't forget me".
I haven't forgot her yet, and hopefully I never will.
I would never find another like her... After I arrived here, I had constantly been a lonely dancer.
As I was lost in my thoughts, I suddenly realized that I had passed my own house.
I had never done that before, even despite that all the houses looked the same.
But I promised myself not to repeat it, as I turned around and walked back home.
As I opened the door to my house, I could see a blurry silhouette of a woman standing at the top of the stairs to the second floor.
I ignored it, as I walked into the living-room and sat down in the white sofa.
In front of me stood a mirror, but the person I saw inside it was not me... It was someone I had never seen before.
I closed my eyes momentarily, and when I opened them again, someone else was inside the mirror, and someone had even appeared behind it, just revealing their hands sticking out of the sides.
Also this figure was blurry and out of focus, just like the woman upstairs and the men in the mirror.
As I watched these floaty creatures, I picked up the phone and dialed a number.
It was not a number I knew, but a completely random one.
"Hi, it's John" said the person who answered... It was clearly a woman.
"Don't forget me" I said, as we both hung up simultaneously.
I don't know why, but I was getting really sad as I sat there and watched the blurry people.
Maybe it was because I was soon going to departure, just like my wife, my boy, my dog, the woman upstairs, the men in the mirror, the one behind it, John, the dancers, the liquid people and... Well, everyone else, I was going to 'pass on'.
It had never scared me before, except perhaps in the beginning, that I was living in a dead world.
For years now, I had been the only one left...
But soon I would join them, soon I would become one...
And all would turn silent... quiet.
Right now I just sat waiting... Waiting for the inevitable, as I said the words that would from then on be heard on my phone... "I never forgot you".
Then I smiled, and saw one of the blurry ones smile back.
I closed my eyes, and let it all go.
My thoughts went blank, as a silent "Welcome" embraced me.
A contest entry
- Any Fantasy , Adventure Short , Short Story !!!!!!!!!!!! by .
120 points, ended February 20, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What looks like a writer, acts like a writer and talks like a writer? A writer, duh! by EtherealButterfly.
250 points, ended March 2, 2007, 39 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING! by travis34dietC.
116 points, ended February 27, 2007, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream by Delfishie.
350 points, ended May 7, 2007, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - After the End by roars-in-public.
388 points, ended July 6, 2007, 32 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Quick Quickies: Science Fiction by tallblondie.
210 points, ended July 13, 2008, 14 entries
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350 points, ended July 20, 2008, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short stories 700 or less by Reaver.
170 points, ended July 22, 2008, 39 entries
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151 points, ended February 17, 14 entries
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500 points, ended April 29, 11 entries
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318 points, ended May 17, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
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160 points, ended July 9, 37 entries
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150 points, ended May 20, 12 entries
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580 points, ended September 11, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 51 of 51
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That was cool. I think you could really elaborate more in the story. It was kind of confusing even after everything that was going out was reviled. Nevertheless, i liked it.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Interesting start to a story. lol
I was confused at first and I'm glad that I continued on reading until the end. Makes sence now. Thank you entering this into my contest.
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Hmmm...Strange.
By the way, rich people still DO have their fair share of softcore pornography nowadays!
I would like it if you used more descriptions. It had a 'ghostly' feel to it, but you should have elaborated more.
Thank you for your entry in THREE OPTIONS!
SGS
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This may be short, but I found it stunningly amazing. Well Done! Thanks for entering and good luck
Hayley -
Huh. Interesting. At first, I thought the story was confusing. Until, that is, I reached the end. A very interesting story, and nicely pieced together, I must add. Although the flow of the story, as well as the structuring of the sentences and paragraphs, seems choppy.
Perhaps rearranging it into actual paragraphs and making the scenes flow together a little bit more would make the story seem less confusing.
All in all, this is a heck of a surreal adventure. Good work. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest. I'm sorry to see that you did not discover my rule six. A pity. -
Thanks for your entry, enjoyable story. Durian
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Starkly surreal post-everything story
This story leaves the reader with a lot of questions in mind. Is this another planet, or another existence after “dying” or something? It is certainly atmospheric and intriguing. I have no idea what quite a lot of the imagery is meant to conjure (“liquid people”?) but the feel is wonderful.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 3.
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This was nicely written, though a little confusing. I'm also not too partial to the paragraph spacing. I know it's meant to be mysterious but I still would have liked more explanations and details. It was a pretty creepy story though and you are definitely an imaginitive writer.
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Very interesting--this piece raises a lot of questions. The closing is complete enough that the story feels finished, but open enough to keep the reader thinking. Your opening hooked the reader and introduced your world very well. Nice work.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
~Bitter Irony -
its an interesting write, and it leaves a lot of questions which is great. however theres a differance between mystery and confusion, and this one seemed to lean closer to confusion for me. there just wasnt enough explanation. it made no sence, and without something to relate it to what am i supposed to feel towards the character? i feel many things towards him, contradicting itself. i suppose this was all part of the point and if thats so i applaud you for a job well done, but this just didnt hit me. great write though, and despite being confused i happily read it all the way through to see if there was explanation at the end. good work
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Thanks for your entry and best of luck in the contest
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Hi
I am going to be helping to judge this contest. When I comment on a poem or story, it is always with the idea of making the piece publishable. I base my suggestions on things I have learned in college, through my personal reading, and through my own experience in submitting things for publication, as well as working as an editor. Your goal may not be to publish the piece though, and if that is the case, just take the critique for what it is, an opinion, which is neither right nor wrong. Take what works for you and ignore the rest.
I ask lots of questions when I critique a story. I don’t ask them to challenge you personally, but to challenge your creativity and to help you see your story from a different perspective.
***As I read your first sentence, I can’t help but think that the musical Hair had a nude scene in it clear back in the 1960’s, and I don’t think it was considered porn.
walking past dusins of wealthy
***Did you mean “dozens”…?
***I notice that you have a bad habit which is pretty common. You insert the word “as” in places where it is not necessary. I count three places in the first four paragraphs where it could be removed. It is important to become aware of this when you are writing because it distracts the reader from your story and if you ever plan on publishing anything, publishers don’t like wasted words.
***Why are there no cigarettes? Does tobacco not grow on whatever planet he is on? Because it seems like someone would have some growing in greenhouses someplace.
Ahh, it was doomed to happen someday anyway... I missed things.
I missed my wife, my son, our dog and our small suburban house.
I missed the suburban me.
"No risk, no fun" someone said to me back at earth.
I couldn't remember who said it, but I remember the words.
It's the stupidest thing I have ever heard, I'm sure of it.
Fifteen years ago we all took the risk, but it sure as hell didn't bring me any fun.
***This is some excellent writing. I can feel the regret. Nice job.
thousands of faces staring at me.
thousands of windows and millions of unknown faces staring out of them.
***You have a number discrepancy here. Is it thousands or millions of faces? And how could so many faces stare at him as he walked home, unless he was walking a thousand miles or something?
Why are machines staring at him? Shouldn’t they be working?
***Try to avoid using so many ellipses. A publisher would reject a manuscript without even reading it if they noticed too many ellipses in it.
As I was lost in my thoughts, I suddenly realized that I had passed my own house.
***This doesn’t flow well. I recommend reading things aloud to yourself. It helps to smooth out the flow. I would suggest rewording it a bit, for example:
Lost in my thoughts, I suddenly realized I’d walked right past my house.
I had never done that before, even despite that all the houses looked the same.
***Okay, I figured out why the previous line and this one didn’t flow well for me. You have the word “that” in places where it is unnecessary. Try rewording it this way:
I’d never done that before, despite the fact that all the houses here looked the same.
***At the end of that sentence, tell the reader what the houses look like. Do they all look like brown boxes? Or are they brick? And, is there a reason why the houses all look the same?
Maybe it was because I was soon going to departure
***Did you mean “depart”…? Or are you using it as a noun?
"Don't forget me" I said, as we both hung up simultaneously.
that would from then on be heard on my phone... "I never forgot you".
***The period always goes on the inside of the quotation marks. I got confused as to what words would be on his phone, is it “Don’t forget me,” or “I never forgot you”…? And how will they be forever on the phone?
I like the ending. It is haunting. -
There's something disturbing about old, rich men watching little girls. It's sad when the narrator is thinking about his wife, remembering the last words she spoke. The ending to this is really sweet. Thank you for entering.
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One of the rules for the SW Presents contest was: Stick with light backgrounds like white, beige, or pastel colors and dark font so that most people can read them without going blind.
This is a strange story. I like it. It was easy to read, and not overly confusing as I thought it would be at first glance. I'm not sure what dusins is, though.
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Good luck in the contest and thanks for entering.
~*Brooke*~ -
earth=Earth
dusins=dozens
Would help the readability to fix the paragraph spacing.
I think the title is too long and general.
I like this as the beginning of a short story, but as it is I don't feel that it quite stands on its own as a complete piece, but rather a bit of the whole. You could easily make this better by going back and developing the character and the world more completely. You do have a nice flow going that grabs you in the beginning even when the sentences are a bit vague considering it's the beginning of the story. The two visions of enjoying looking at young children dancing naked and truly loving his family and not forgetting them don't really mesh up.
Looks like you wrote this awhile ago so it should be easier for you to stand back and see where to revise and polish.
~Six
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I love surreal, and that's what this is. I thought it was very well written. I love unconventional visions of the future. My point is, it's pretty cool. Well written and all that jazz. I liked how he cared about his wife. Very well done.
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Now that's creepy-a ghost story with no ghosts! Only one quibble- it's spelled "dozens"...
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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beautiful
I've read (and reviewed) this story before, so I'll keep this short and to the point:
1. I LOVE the title. It's a beautiful title that goes with a beautiful, dystopian story.
2. There were parts in the beginning that kinda lost me for a sentence or two, before I got sucked back in by the narrative flow.
3. I really like the end. For something that's from the perspective of the INSANE, you totally kept it cohesive.
Thanks for entering the contest! -
Nice work!
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Surreal
Ohhh this is freaky and surreal and exactly the kind of read I was looking for!
It leaves the reader with loads of questions and opens the door to a disturbing other universe. Thanks for your entry!plot: 5, ending: 5.
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Very cool
I really liked the darkness of this piece. As others have said, I'd like to see more as well. More description about what's happened. Right now, the mysteriousness is enough I supppose. I just thought the tone was superb. It flowed well and was paced perfectly. Nicely done, Drac!beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 3.
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This was a very interesting story. You have good description and imagery, although I got a little confused in parts, but I think expanding on it would clear that up. Of course you can't do that too much for this contest but after u could. Great job on this. Thanks for enterting the contest and good luck!
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This sounds a little like Ray Bradbury ( Well I think that's who it is, don't know.)
4/5
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Wild story, I love the plot and I would love to read more of your work. I want the whole story. I must say you grabed my attention. I wish you would publish this into a book. I would love to have it all between two covers, front and back for my book shelf and for reading.
Tabitha Robin -
mysterious
So this leaves a lot more questions than answers. Your descriptions of his loneliness are good. Definitely lets me feel how he feels about death. My impression is that he is the last human on another planet. I'd really like to know what happened on Earth to render everything that way. -
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The thing that he is the last human on another planet, is correct
But what happened to earth, we'll never know 
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future...scary....
Wow! A very scary depiction of the future...somewhat confusing but overall very pleasing! Poor lonely man...I wonder what happened 15 years ago...awesome story! I guess I would have liked maybe a slightly more detailed description of the water people/machines, but the story still flows fantastically. Great job!
-17
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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You are the King
of writing! But I've already told you that countless times
This is the most different kind of future I've read in my whole life. The way you even began this and had the old man looking back at everything was so eerily.. realistic, for some reason... The ballet thing was... well, honestly, a lot of things accepted now were not accepted before, so I think what you wrote IS very possible!
You've written something so short yet so.. magical...
great work, Mads. YOu have me in awe everytime, I just adore you! Thank you so much for sharing this with us
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Aww, you made me smile again Rachel
Hehe
Thank you so much for all the support and kind words
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freewriting- woo!
This is a pretty darn good piece of freewriting. I really like the Dystopian risk-free future you depict. It makes me think of radiohead songs and 1984. ;-) Also, we seem to be headed there even today, with the stupid anti-smoking legislation in the US. Seriously, I don't even smoke and even I think something is messed up about it. Scott's Lawn Care Company (which I interviewed for a while ago) even has the policy that their employees can't smoke INSIDE THEIR OWN HOME. If the company has proof of you smoking ANYWHERE, you're automatically fired. It's so wrong.
...Um. Yeah. Back to the story review...
There were a couple of spelling mistakes that took me out of the story a bit.
"and tough I missed it" should be "and THOUGH I missed it"
"I had past my own house" should be "I had PASSED my own house"
....There might have been others, but I don't remember what they were.
Great writing though. I'm all about the Dystopias!
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Oh damn... That Scott's Lawn Care Company sounds to be... insane...
I mean, that shouldn't be allowed!
Now, I'm no smoker, but it just sounds absurd :/
Anyway, I'll change those errors asap
Thanks for telling me about them
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Egad! I wouldn't want to be that guy. I hope thats not what the world is coming to.l Great piece, good luck in my contest.
xoxo
Kelsey -
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Thanks Kelsey
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Oh how I like this! It has such a said quality of what is going to really happen to mankind.
You bring up so many topics that reflect todays current affairs. Real concerns that you wrap up in a simple [well, I don't mean simple!] story that takes little time to read!
Great read and good luck in the contests!
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Thank you
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as you know, i love this story. very interesting.
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Hehe, thanks alot
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This is really good. I had peeked at your comments before I read your story, just to get a little view in how others felt and I thought I'd be a little confused...
...but I wasn't!!! This is exceptionally good! Bravo! You held my attention which is good (and hard to do at times)! Good job and good luck! -
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Thanks alot
Much appriciated
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i am so confused....
it was really good...but i am just so confused... -
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Hah! Exactly!
That was my intention
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wow really good! like some others said, it was confusing in parts but i don't see that as a bad thing. it made me want to find out more about this dead world of the future. great job
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Thanks
And btw, I tend to be confusing sometimes, sry
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Then I smiled, and saw one of the blurry ones smile back.
I closed my eyes, and let it all go.
My thoughts went blank, as a silent "Welcome" embraced me.
I love your ending very nice story great job
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks
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wow
i think this is diferent
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Really good. Very imaginative. This has a fresh feel to it. I assumed at first that this was going to follow the paths of so many 'we ruined earth so we had to move' stories then I read on a few lines and became engrossed. This is a good write all the way through.
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wow, thanks for the comment
Glad you liked it
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It was good. Really creepy tone the whole way through. I liked it as a whole, a man living amongst the dead. There are a few grammar issues and the part with the phone and the woman confuses me.
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Thanks :)
Always love comments, escpessially from people who like the stories
I tend to be a bit confusing though, so sry about that part, and I always screw up the grammar, but tnx for telling
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