Reflections (Or Lack Thereof)

Reflections

~Or Lack Thereof

Some late-night logic brought on by slightly unsettling things…

~

I wake up and there are tears on my face. Deep strains of 'Nightwish's guitar echo through my head which is pillowed by jeans and clothing that have been strewn across my bedroom floor. The sharp corner of what could be a notebook jabs into my neck, and I inch to the side and find a slightly more comfortable position on my shirts.

I think I hear the steady creak of footsteps across the still-settling wood floor, so I sit up quickly and pretend to be studying Anthropology, hurriedly wiping away the moisture that still coats the left side of my face.

I forget why I was crying; telling myself firmly that if I could remember it would have been something too stupid to cry over.

I can feel the back of my eyes prickle again, but an eyebrow raised in disdain keeps any more tears from falling.

/sleep Eden sleep/

I unclench my jaw, making a mental note not to hold them together so tight. I slip my tongue between my teeth just to make sure.

I am sighing, breathing deep and sitting up straight to try and dislodge the tension from my chest.

/no eternity/

I have decided previously that Valentine's Day does not exist for me. I have also decided that I will not allow myself to cry so easily.

Many things don't exist for me – or else they fade in (out) with a sort of half-being. My birthday; emotions. Certain emotions I cannot remember, or I think of in a removed, detached way. Happiness is just a word. Success can be minimized to a mark on paper or a certificate on the wall, seen by half-real eyes. Disappointment and anger can be pushed down until they, too, don't exist.

Sometimes I as well do not exist. The tears that well up behind my eyes (again?!) do not exist. The tight feeling that works its way up the left side of my chest does not exist. My inadequacy does not exist. My fear of non-existence does not exist, either.

Things are only worth as much as they exist.

Things that do not exist are not worth anything.

I am afraid of not existing.

Thus, I am afraid of being worthless.

Man… I need a god.

07/02/14 22:02