The Third Best Thing Chapter 10

Isn’t it nice when you wake up in the morning with out a care in the world? The day is brand new and it’s all yours. I just love that feeling, which is how I feel today. The sun is shining through my bed room window and I can smell some thing sweet coming from the kitchen. I bet dad is making his famous French toast. If so then today is going to be even better than I thought. 1

I believe that all those 'mysterious' things have a darn good scientific explanation, except at times either we dont have enough knowledge, or our senses work in certain ranges only so we dont understand things (we can see and hear images and sounds with certain wavelength only, etc), or our brains are too primitive at this point to conceive of them, so we view them as mysterious. 2

And who is to say that the scientific explanation of what we cannot perceive is the very real presence of demons and spirits? Hmmmm? It has not been proven that they exist to the satisfaction of most of the world, but then again it has not been proven they do not exist.3

I think the burden lies more on proving they do not exist than the fact that they do. 4

If physical damnage occured durring dream it is because the person who it happened to is weak minded they believed what was happening in the dream was happening in the physical so when they returned to there body the damnage was done but its in the mind and can be healed same way believe it didnt happen and the marks will fanish, the negatives use this trick to make you harm yourself its dangerous for one such as this to sleep unshielded until one can be strong enough to know it not real one should always shield self. Antyway. 5

My dad did cook his famous French toast, but he was gone. 6

After breakfast I decided to go for a morning walk. I’m just in awe of how beautiful this day is. It reminds me of what every day felt like when mom was still alive. Oh how I miss her but I know she’s up in heaven watching over our family. It’s a comforting thought, indeed. And today is the first day I’ve felt so good in a long while. Although I feel I might be forgetting some thing.7

I was swimming in public pools. Not one person said anything. People didn't even give me weird looks. For some reason, this lack of recognition bothered me a bit but I do feel that I stand out a bit. I concluded that I may have been ignored because, people are more polite than I give them credit for, or just that no one noticed me. 8

All this thinking about how others perceive me made me think about how I react to strangers with body modifications. I don't know if I am hyper-sensitive or still a bit prejudice, but I noticed that I have a hard time paying attention to (or politely not staring at) people who have change thier looks. I first try to pretend I don't notice anything (like pink hair aren't obvious). Then I think, "Wow, this person is a freak and I don't have anything in common with them. " But sometimes I just think, "I would never have the guts to do that."  So I think tattoos are really common. I will notice and react to people with visible mods. 9

My first exprience with problems with my mood started in 1993 when I was 11 yrs old.I began to fail my subjects, couldn't concentrate on practical placements. At home I was up at night not able to sleep. Worst though was the state of my mind. My thoughts were so loud and intense. I was paranoid and suspicious. 10

I had smashed a radio in a rage, threw carbage cans, you name it. I broke it with my internal rage. 11

I was frustrated with myself I would go along well for a while then something would take control of me and I would change and be a different person. I would do things that I would never dream of doing normally. I however felt like I had to do things I never dreamed of doing, like someone was controlling me. 12

I had my first experience hearing voices, that I didn't tell anyone. I figured they can say I am a weirdo [which I'm not, I have certainly had an anger problem but voices were another matter. 13

Then in December all hell broke loose. I had what I now believe to be a mixed episode, lots of energy with and an urge to socialise but with a low mood and black thoughts. I became obsessed with past issues of trauma which I had deal with but with the depressed thinking all the skeletons came out of the closet. 14

Things settled down, I think now it was because once again the antidepressant had sent me into an episode of altered mood. 15

I don't know why the doctor stopped the meds, but the result was that by Feb. 1998 I entered the darkest period of my life. I entered the darkest depression. My days consisted of sitting or lying around with those heavy, intense, booming, painful thoughts which mainly consisted of how there was no hope any more and the only option was to be dead. I seemed to have so many things wrong that could not be made right. I thought I was such a bad person I didn't deserve anything. 16

Now I know that to have been my depression talking. The things that kept me going was the distraction of school when I could take my mind off myself, and for a while at least turning each negative thought around, but after about a month I had lost the energy to do that. Things came to a head and I ended up listening to my depression. my thinking returned to normal. I stopped seeing the psychiatric services and started seeing a trauma counsellor as they thought the obsession with the trauma associated with the depression was post traumatic stress disorder. That stuff didn't bother me any more but the counsellor was very helpful. 17

In February of that year I experienced the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me, I had an episode of mania. I felt wonderful for a while. I was not just happy I was overcome with the joys of life, I had so much energy, I had so many plans and not enough time to do them because I just kept on coming up with newer and better plans and schemes and theories. People had to be told and I told them even if it was in the middle of the night. I couldn't wait, I couldn't stop moving and fidgeting. 18

My thoughts were racing at a million miles per hour, so fast that sometimes my mouth couldn't keep up. Then it wasn't so fun anymore people started to annoy me I got irritable and nasty I became suspicious of people, that they were trying to got me to hold me back and then one morning my mood dropped I was devastated I didn't want to go through another depression. I thought I would rather be dead. 19

As I am walking around the block, past the little children playing in the park, past the middle aged men walking their dogs, and the old women getting their daily exercise, I stop to think. I remember what happened last night. Yes suddenly it all comes back to me. I’m overwhelmed with the horrific sites.20

Oh my what do I do? Should I run? Should I say some thing? This is all happening too fast. What am I even doing here in the first place? Before I can even think further I’m running down the road faster than I’ve ever ran. I don’t stop till I’m safely in my room. 21

I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t know what’s real any more. This morning felt like a perfect day, like some thing I hadn’t felt in the longest while. What happened? 22

Maybe it wasn’t for real. Maybe I’m just making it up in my head. Or am I? Oh I don’t know. I’m scared, so very scared. What do I do? Last night I was at Dawn’s house. And I couldn’t have. Could I? No it must have been a dream. It just has to be some crazy dream I dreamt last night. You don’t think I could have actually shot Dawn? Do you?23

I know I was upset because I poured my heart out to her but she didn‘t seem to feel the same way back. I remember telling him how much I loved herand wanted to be more than a friend to her. I remember trying to give her a kiss but she pushed me away. After that it’s kind of a blur. I was crying. I ran home. My Dad, who knows where. I ran into the living room and took one of dad’s display guns. After that I must have blacked out. Whatever I did I know I wasn’t in my right frame of mind.24

Hopefully this is all just some thing I dreamt. Oh God I pray this is just some thing I dreamt. I think it’s time I head back home. The weird thing is I walked home but not to my home. I walked to Dawn’s house! I just stood there staring at his house.Maybe Dawnis sitting at his kitchen table with his family eating breakfast. There’s really only one way to find out.25

I walk up to the door and I’m just about to ring the doorbell when the door swings open. It’s Dawn's mom! She’s crying. It must be true. I must have killed Dawn. She must have just found his dead body sprawled out on his bedroom floor. I bet they’ve already called the cops and she’s coming out side to get away from the reality of her murdered daughter.26

I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t know what’s real any more. This morning felt like a perfect day, like some thing I hadn’t felt in the longest while. What happened? Am I insane? Dawn is just sitting there staring at me. I try to catch my breath and half winded I say “I thought I killed you.” Dawn’s facial expression doesn’t change. All she does is reach out his hand to hold mine. Then we just stay there like that, holding hands in her room. 27

I don’t know what happens after that. I must have blacked out. 28

Now I am here, sitting in front of this lady who seems to be nice. She told me she’d need to keep me a few days at the least to make sure I’m “ok”. She says that she can help me figure out why I did the things I did and that we can work through them, together. I’m not sure what it is about her but I believe her. Maybe it’s her soft voice or maybe it’s her familiar face. Whatever it is I believe her and I give her my hand to hold as we begin to work through my issues that I have kept hidden for so long. 29

So I have a confession. I might have a debilitating addiction. I only wish it was pills or booze or cutting, or something. 30

It’s hard for me to take it all in, in just one sitting. I am told I had ripped apart most of my clothes into tiny pieces. That I had bitten my nails till they bleed and then wrote some not so normal thoughts I had at the time on the wall, with my blood! I had also pulled out a large amount of hair out of my head and had swallowed it. 31

Is there a support group for this? Because I think I'm beginning to regress and show symptoms of teenage angst and I swear.32