Don't Know

I remember the day I rode my first bike. It was February 12th, late in the afternoon. My father had just come back from the store. When he left he said he would bring back a surprise for me, I didn’t think he meant a bike. It was a beautiful bike. Painted gold and silver with pink tassels. He had, had a long day but he agreed, after much pleading to give me a riding lesson.

I don’t know why I thought about that now. It seems a funny time to think about it. But right now that memory seems very clear, very vivid. Perhaps a little too vivid. The colors are all very sharp and seem to bright. But I can’t really help it. It just seems to be pressing down on me, not letting me go. Not letting me move. The funny thing is Daddy’s not even the main part. My bike is the main part. Why is that? Why does the bike stand out so strongly?

But now I can’t remember it anymore. Whatever I was thinking about is just gone. What was it? I was interested in it. For some reason I wanted to think about it...but it was gone. Very strangely just...gone...like Daddy.

I’m not...moving? Am I? I don’t really know anymore. I just...what am I holding? Oh a phone. Is it a phone? Yes...yes it’s a phone. That’s right. Why a phone? Why...I know, I was talking to someone wasn’t I? What did they say? Daddy? Daddy’s gone? No...maybe. I don’t know. Do I care? Should I care? I haven’t spoken to him in so long...or is that why I should care?

I look at the phone. I focus on it. Yes, a phone, why is it off the hook? Is someone on it? Is someone talking at the other end? Should I be talking at this end? I lift the phone to my ear. Sounds, sounds I don’t understand. They mix together, they just seem...so strange so...far away, they can’t be for me, no, they...don’t seem right. I place the phone back on it’s hook.

Maybe someone was talking to me. Were they? I don’t know anymore, I don’t know a lot of things anymore...do I?

It’s late. Will Jamie come back soon? He’ll know. He always knows. He makes things...clear...he always has...he’s made a lot of things clear...simple. I like simple. Simple makes everything plain...easy. Less work. Daddy always liked work. He didn’t like Jamie...no he didn’t, I know that. I remember that. Can I blame him? Can I blame Daddy? Can I blame Jamie? No...things aren’t always like that. Are they? Is there always a bad and a good guy? Maybe...maybe you just...can’t always see it.

Jamie’ll come home...yes...but Daddy won’t will he? Not anymore...and what was the last thing I said to him? When was it? Did I make everything clear? Or maybe I just...I don’t know anymore...but then again...did I have to know? Know now? No...one thing at a time. Big questions later...the small ones now...the easy ones now. Like, was Daddy gone? Yes. Would Jamie be home soon? Yes. Would it all make sense? Possibly...probably.