The Lust & The Loss

I think I dreamed of the end of the world last night, well actually it was early this morning, or maybe closer to the afternoon. I haven’t been living the normal lifestyle as of lately. I have been on what one would refer to as a bender. At first it was just a bender of fun, celebrating my freedom, a freedom to choose when to drink and how much. But I think polluting your body with that many chemicals does do a turn on your brain. Especially when the constant drinking becomes more of a purpose, has been tainted with rage. Emotional rage over the lose of a girl. A loss of something that was never really there to begin with. A loss of hope, I guess would be a better explanation. A loss of lust. I’ve resolved this morning, (well again it as more like this evening) that the bender has to stop. And has to stop now.

On the anniversary of my Countries birthday I sit staring out at the same cluster of houses, smoking a swiped cigarette from my stepfather. I’ve sat here in the twilight smoking a many swiped cigarettes starring at these same houses. I’ve spent twenty-three years staring at the same walls in my nine by six section of personal space just thinking on what a messed up life we all live. And as I inhale this warm pungent air, burning the back of my throat, I think that all may be lost forever. I can’t seem to think that the only thing left is to acquire one of those houses I stare at through a smoky haze. The sound of fireworks ricochets of them bouncing back to me and I remember that I dreamed of the end of the world. A bright blinding light crashing into the sea causing the sky to turn black and boiling the oceans causing waves to crash over the surrounding land and taking us all with it.

And this brings me back to a program that I recently watched on television one boring Friday evening when the thought of drinking turned my stomach sour. The program was regarding a county in India that holds Sanskrit’s predicting the life of millions of people who are alive at the moment, are now dead, and who will come into existence. I’ve searched for articles of information on this topic and have only come across one such article that references the Sanskrit’s. These bundles of thousands of leafs which will tell one who they are and what they will be, if I so choose to search for this information. But I don’t think I want to know how it’s supposed to turn out. It’s like reading the last page of a book. It feels like cheating.

It feels like sometimes I get so low that the easy out would be the best route, and in the end it very well may be, but I’m just too damn curious to find out how it’s going to end to even give that idea more of just a fleeting thought.

Which brings me back to the dream I had today, the end of the world. Although I’m not educated on the topic in anyway, nor have I bothered to read up about it, I do believe in the paranormal. That there has to be more than just what is apparent. What is thought of as provable. I believe I can pick up on people’s emotions and some quick glimpses of thoughts through energy force, the energy force that surrounds every living thing. I think the Chinese word for it is Chi. However I feel that except for the rare cases there are generally two types of people when it comes to telepathy. I believe there are transmitters and receivers, and only the really special ones are both.