Smokers Beware

“Sweetie?  Have you seen my nail polish remover?”1

Her husband peered into the bathroom while straightening his tie.  “Hun, this is a formal affair.  You’ll need to be wearing nail polish.”2

“I’m planning to, but this color doesn’t match my dress.”3

“I’m sorry, Sweetheart, but I haven’t seen it.  You’ll just have to make do with what you have on.”4

“I’m not going then!” she suddenly screamed as slammed the door shut.  Peter only just escaped an amateur nose-ectomy.5

“You’d look beautiful in a burlap sack, Josie.  Now be reasonable.  This dinner is very important to me.”6

I know, I know.  I’m sorry.  I’m such a flibbertigibbet when I get emotional.  Oh, tomorrow will you stop by the hardware store and fill up the propane tanks?  The Rapier’s are coming over for the deck party in the afternoon.”  Josie’s voice was slightly muffled from behind the still closed door.  “And when we get back, you have to talk with your daughter.  Apparently she brought home the frog they dissected in school with the intent of ‘spicing up’ her brother’s lunch eventually.”  7

Peter sighed.  “Yes, Dear.”8

The door finally opened once again.  “How do I look?”9

Pulling her close for a passionate kiss, Peter replied, “Absolutely stunning!”10

When they parted, Josie jumped right back into her errand tirade.  “Are you sure that your speech is ready?”11

A mischievous grin spread across his face.  “No, I don’t think it is.”12

“Peter!”13

“Josie, you’ve asked me this a million times.  And I’ve told you yes a million times.  Do you really think my answer will change if you ask me again?”14

“What about your . . . um . . . props?”15

“My visual aids are ready as well.  Which reminds me.  I have another presentation for a potential client in a few days, so I’ll have to stop by the rental store and ask to keep the cigarette hand roller for a little while longer.”16

“You know that I love you, Peter.  I’m so proud!  There is nothing more admirable than doing your part in lessening adolescent participation in the smoking population!”  Josie paused for a moment, debating on whether or not to bring the next subject up.  “Did you separate the clothes for me?”17

“Yes I did.  I was going to surprise you by doing the laundry, but I couldn’t find the bleach.  18

“And women claim that there are no good men in the world!  The bleach is underneath the sink in the right hand cupboard, behind the Brillo pads.  Oh my it’s getting late!  It would be difficult to tell people not to smoke if you’re not there to tell people not to smoke, right?” 19

The happily married couple walked down the stairs to the front door.  As Peter reached for the handle, a knock was heard.  Upon opening the door, there stood a police officer.  “Peter Lebowitz?” 20

“Yes, I am he.”21

“You are under arrest for the murder of over 300 people.  Cigarettes with large concentrations of acetate, butane, formaldehyde and bleach have been traced back to you.  You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to be speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense." 22

Josie’s face went white, Peter was confident.  “You can’t prove a thing.  Everyone knows that those toxins are already found in cigarettes.  Smoking is a dangerous activity.  No jury would ever convict me.”  23