2
Depression wrapped its thick fingers around Amy Stone and dragged her into its abyss -- a depression so dark and heavy its relentless grip suffocated her. For weeks she hardly got out of bed, and then only so her sister, Easy, would not send for the coroner to come haul her body away. When Amy spoke, it was with the voice of a zombie, devoid of all feeling and thought. She looked like one of those brides of Dracula whose lifeblood had been sucked out of her, leaving nothing but a fragile, empty shell.3
Easy, who had never shown fear in her entire life, put on her nonchalant face around Amy. But inside, she knew her sister teetered on the edge of a soul-crushing, irreversible despair. Nothing reached through the Blue Meanies to touch her – not the sympathetic ear, nor pep talks, nor holding Amy while she cried, not even supplications to Almighty God for the suffering soul of her sister.4
Then, on a Sunday afternoon in August, while the bells of the old Cathedral pealed the four o'clock hour, Easy pulled back the curtains in Amy's bedroom and opened the sliding glass door, letting the warm sun and gentle ocean breeze invade the room. "Get up, Sis," Easy said. "I need you to go with me."5
"Where you going?" Amy mumbled and pulled the sheet over her head.6
"I'm feeling frisky," Easy said. "Naughty as hell. I need you to come with me and make sure I don't get myself in trouble." She yanked the sheet off of Amy and asked, "Do you think these pants are too tight?"7
Amy moaned and rolled over. She opened one eye and looked at her sister who was flipping through clothes in the closet. "Did you spray-paint those on?"8
Easy tossed her a pair of jeans and said, "See if your ass can still fit into these." Much to Easy's surprise, Amy sat up sleepily, stuck first one leg in the jeans, then the other leg, and with a grunt and a struggle, flopped onto her back and tugged them up over her hips. "Pick out a really vulgar shirt and come downstairs," Easy said. "Bianca is waiting for us."9
"Where are we going?" Amy asked again.10
"Down to the Malecon for a stroll. And wear some really trashy heels."11
Bianca looked up as Easy bounded down the stairs. "Well?"13
"I think she's coming with us," Easy grinned.14
"You're kidding!" Bianca's eyes widened with amazement.15
Moments later Amy staggered down the stairs like a hung-over drunk looking for a place to puke. Peering through squinted eyes at her sister and her friend standing in the living room, she shook her head. "You two look like a couple of hookers," she mumbled.16
"Yeah, well you don't exactly look like the Virgin Mary yourself," Bianca laughed. "Where the hell did you get those bright red heels?"
Down at the Amphitheater, where the Malecon begins, the three women ran into Mercedez, the darling of the infamous Los Lobos dancers. Emilio, the Neanderthal bouncer from the club, loomed ominously behind her like a gorilla daring anyone to stand too close to his cage. His intimidating 6'7" frame blotted out the sun. Feigning surprise at their appearance, Mercedez eagerly joined them, and the four femme fatales strolled together along the seawalk chattering like blue jays. Emilio lumbered close behind them, ever ready to ward off any Apaches who might pose a threat.19
Bianca had her Nikon with her, and at every statue and sculpture along the seawalk, she played the paparazzi. Easy and Mercedez struck up their sexiest poses, sandwiching Amy between them - in front of the Dolphins, the Boy on the Seahorse, Bustamante’s Aliens, La Nostalgia, Triton and Nereida. Bianca snapped shot after shot while Amy protested that she looked terrible without make up – which she had not applied in at least a month. But the photo shoot continued, and at every stop a crowd of gawkers gathered to watch while Emilio grunted threats, his fingers practically scraping the sidewalk as he circled menacingly.20
Between each statue Easy worked her cell phone as only Easy can do, inviting friends to join them for drinks at El Nido. She even phoned Sergio Bustamante himself and asked him if he could manage the climb up five sets of stairs to the roof, challenging his masculinity and stamina until he agreed to join them. Amy smirked and shook her head as she listened to her sister summon her entourage.21
Eventually the girls finished the Malecon and Easy drove them up the bumpy cobblestone streets to Los Cuatros Vientos, the charming old hotel on Calle Matamoros. Sergio was already waiting in the courtyard, along with Santee Hernandez, another old friend who owned the cinema and the Cuban cigar shop in town. Together these seven climbed the five stair cases that ascended steeply upward to the roof. Sergio followed Easy, his hand on her ass - "to steady himself," he said. Emilio, huffing and puffing like a bull, brought up the rear.22
When they stepped out onto the rooftop bar, the panoramic view of Banderas Bay canopied by the vast array of clouds in the summer sky enveloped them with its majesty – a sight that was always breathtaking, no matter how often it was seen. Sam the Snake waved at them from a table near the edge of the roof, a strategic spot that afforded yet another spectacular view - that of the sprawling town below with all its red terra-cotta roofs and flowered courtyards lined by winding cobblestone streets and lush green trees. Snake, an expatriated Texan living in Puerto Vallarta, once worked as Willie Nelson’s sound engineer in Austin. His brain was fried from too many drug trips, but he was an outrageously funny character and a regular at Easy’s El Nido gatherings. Two small wrought-iron tables were pushed together and everyone pulled up a chair, with Easy, as usual, the centerpiece. This is where she held court every week23
A four-piece reggae band, Rasta Roo, struck up their rendition of I Shot the Sheriff, and the funky music wafted down to the streets and reverberated off the houses in Gringo Gulch. The guitar player, a whacked out woman named Vanessa del Torres, was an old friend of Easy’s and a frequent visitor at the villa. She came over and sat with the entourage between sets and jammed with Snake and Bianca – she on her red electric Gibson, Bianca on a borrowed acoustic guitar, and Snake on his harmonica. Easy goaded Amy into dirty dancing with Mercedez and snapped pictures of them with Bianca’s Nikon while the other visitors at El Nido stared at them as if they were from Mars. 24
Dr. Lupe Lopez appeared at their tables during the revelry. A psychiatrist who had become a local celebrity because of his radio talk show where all the "Manic Crazies" in town call in with their problems, he loved Easy's little gatherings and often showed up when she held court. Santee handed out Cohiba cigars to everyone and even Easy laughingly lit one up and savored a few puffs while Luis the cocktail waiter scurried back and forth from the bar fetching drinks. Rasta Roo rocked the neighborhood and Mercedez kept dancing wildly with Amy who, much to her sister’s delight, really got into the bump and grind routine. They did everything but stand on the tables and take off their clothes while Emilio circled around glaring at the Apaches who looked like they really wanted to come over and join in the fun. Sergio clapped his hands and bellowed with laughter as Snake folded pesos length-wise and slid them into the girls’ waistbands. 25
Eventually things settled down to a quieter pace as the clouds began to display their sunset colors – first a myriad of fluffy pastels, then more vividly bright evening hues that accentuated the giant red fireball of Old Sol dropping slow motion into the purple bay. Snake and Dr. Lupe traded outrageous stories and Easy sprinkled in her magical reminisces in that slow-curve southern drawl of hers, throwing in Texas colloquialisms punctuated with her favorite lines of classic literature as only Easy can do.26
As soon as the curtain of night fell, all midnight blue and sparkling with city lights, Easy phoned El Repollo Rojo - the Red Cabbage Café. She asked Lola, the owner, to set up a table for ten. Then the eclectic retinue of her friends tossed down the last gulps of their drinks and descended the stairs together. Taking to their cars, they caravaned down the hill toward the south side of the river, their appetites growing as they thought of Lola Bravo’s great menu. Into the Remance neighborhood they sped, through the small tunnel, and on to Calle Rivera del Rio. They swarmed into the tiny cafe and commandeered two tables pushed together amongst the Frida Kahlo pieces and old movie posters. Sitting in boy-girl-boy-girl fashion around the tables, they ordered enough food to feed an army – prawn cocktails, spinach salads, chile rellenos, chicken enchiladas, tender steak filets, pasta with tomatoes and garlic, mole poblano, and shrimp Giovanni. 27
Lola brought chilled bottles of Marwood Ruby Spumante to the table, which was Amy's favorite sparkling red wine. Amy thought this was strange because Lola had never stocked it before, but she was so delighted to share it with her friends that she didn’t consider the oddity of it beyond her first glass. Besides, Dr. Lupe, sitting beside her, distracted her by reading some of the amusing graffiti on their table and telling outlandish jokes about his depressed patients.28
The revelers filled the cafe with cigar smoke and laughter and Easy told Lola it was Snake’s 40th birthday - which, of course, it was not. The waiters rushed to the table and sang a hilarious version of “Hebby Burrday!” that cracked up everyone. Then Sergio, ever the artist, carved an ice sculpture of a moon-faced woman with six tits and gave it to Snake for his “Burrday.” It melted slowly as the evening progressed and dripped into a pool of water on the floor.29
But the highlight of the evening was the bottle rockets. Easy reached into a crumpled plastic bag she had brought with her and pulled out a handful of old faded Mexican bottle rockets and a corona - one of those wheel-like devices made of bamboo sticks with four rockets attached to it. By now everyone was stuffed from the feast and falling-down-drunk on wine (not to mention all the liquor they had consumed at El Nido) They acted crazier than Cooter Brown. Easy told Snake to shoot them off outside, in front of the café, but Snake wanted to fire off the first one in the courtyard. By now the Red Cabbage had closed, so Lola insanely agreed to let him do it. He held the rocket in his hand and was about to torch the fuse with a lit cigar when Easy screamed at him: “NO! NO! STOP! Not the stick! You have to hold the rocket – not the stick!” 30
Dubiously, Snake switched the rocket to his left hand, saying if it blew up or something he at least wanted to still be able to write his name. He torched it, letting it ignite and gather momentum before releasing it, all the while looking like he wanted to pee his pants. With a suave flick of his wrist, he sent it careening off the wall of the courtyard into the garden and yelled “RUN!” before it blew up. Trapped by the four walls, the blast was UNBELIEVABLY loud! Lola made them take their arsenal out onto the street.31
In front of the Red Cabbage, Snake, with growing confidence, fired off a few more rockets. They soared high into the sky in a beautiful straight trajectory before exploding with huge, thunderous bangs. The neighborhood dogs began barking and car alarms went off up and down the street. Santee Hernandez, by now too drunk to stand up any longer, slithered limply to the ground. Doctor Lupe and Vanessa dragged him to a resting place beneath an avocado tree where he promptly passed out. More bottle rockets went off and sirens suddenly began to wail in the distance. Snake decided it was time to light the corona. In theory, it is supposed to sit upon a pointed stake where it is lit and then it spins round and round until it acquires sufficient thrust to lift itself into the air where it spirals high into the sky emitting copious showers of sparks and smoke. Ha!32
Snake lit the fuse - which contained several firecrackers just to make things more interesting. The firecrackers exploded and scared Snake so bad he tripped over the stake getting out of the way. The corona separated from its launching pad and began to hop and skip insanely across the street, finally coming to rest under the gas tank of a parked car. As the smoke billowed and the sparks flew out from beneath the car, Sergio screamed “It’s going to blow!” and everyone scattered like mad. The entire street filled with smoke. A pack of mangy dogs began barking at the sizzling corona beneath the car. Traffic came to a standstill. Santee woke up, lying flat on his back, and began to thrash his arms and legs wildly like he was being chased by a school of barking sharks and was trying to back-stroke away from them. Police cars came screaming down the street, which signaled time for everyone to dash madly to their vehicles. Emilio dragged the panic stricken Santee with him, stuffed him into the back seat of his Volvo, plopped heavily beneath the steering heel, and burned rubber through the thick clouds of smoke in the opposite direction from the police cars. All ears were listening for the impending explosion as the gang of drunks sped away from the scene, but fortunately the gas tank did not blow up. The police cars skidded to a halt in front of the Red Cabbage and the perpetrators escaped while the cops put out the smoking fire.33
The caravan of cars roared into the Zona Romantica as inconspicuously as a division of German Panzers trying to escape from Patton’s Army and came to a screeching halt at a beachside bar called, appropriately enough, Looney Toones. Everyone staggered out of their cars laughing so hard they all fell down in the sand with tears rolling down their cheeks. Eventually composures were regained. The last thing Sergio Bustamante said to Easy as he was leaving was, “Don’t EVER call me for drinks again when you’re holding court!” But he was laughing as though he loved every minute of his great adventure.34
When Easy and Amy and Bianca arrived home at the villa, they were still laughing and talking about their escapades. Easy looked at her sister and said, “It was good to see you laughing again.” She had this mission-accomplished sparkle in her eyes when she kissed her sister goodnight.37
Amy turned to Bianca and said, "You don’t think she did all that just for me, do you?"38
"Naw, she wouldn't do that," Bianca belched and plopped down on a chaise lounge beside the swimming pool. “Let’s go skinny dippin,” she suggested. Then she passed out cold. 39
Amy laughed again, and it felt good. She kicked off her trashy red heels, slipped out of her really vulgar blouse, and peeled off the skin-tight jeans. She made a mental note to call Dr. Lupe in the morning. Then she dove into the swimming pool and began washing off the heavy depression like it was a layer of thick, gritty sand.40
41
Adding your comment:
Snake does sound interesting.
Dee
