Nine Days

::: *Day 1* :::

“When I started high school, I was fourteen with the height of 5’ 5”, weighing at 131 lbs. Boys made fun of me saying how fat I was, and laughing at everything I ate. That summer, I began to be so picky about everything I ate. No meat, no fat, no carbs, no anything except fruits and veggies. I started to exercise more and more everyday with each day becoming more intense. Everyone was complimenting on how much weight I had lost, and how beautiful I looked.” She shifted in the chair. ‘I hate this chair.’ She thought to herself. “But every time I looked in the mirror, all I could see was a fat figure walking around. No matter how much I tried, I was never thin enough. I was a fat person trapped in a thin body.”

“Didn’t your parents notice anything?”

“They didn’t mind that I wanted to turn into a vegetarian. In fact, they encouraged me to be one to lead a healthy lifestyle. I found pictures of runway models in magazines and looked at them everyday for inspiration. My only goal was to be as thin and pretty as them. One day, they came into my room, and I think that was when they started to get worried. They saw all the pictures of thin models I taped onto my walls overtime.”

::: *Day 2* :::

“What happened when summer ended?”

“I lost 29 lbs in just three months. Everyone said I looked great and perfect and beautiful.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“I felt great…for a short time anyway. When school started, I started to lose my dedication and control over my weight. It began with a pound here and there and soon I was 115 pounds.” Kristy smiled at this. She was now 119 lbs and she hated it. “I made my diet and exercise more extreme. I skipped breakfast by getting up late everyday and telling my mom I would get food at school. At dinner, I would hide the food in my napkin or spit it out in a cup, pretending to drink water. When neither were options, I would cut the food up and move it around saying that I had a huge lunch. I went out with friends at meal times during the weekends telling my parents that I would eat out with them, and telling them that I had just eaten at home.”

::: *Day 3* :::

“At lunch everyone would question me as to why I wasn’t eating. It was always ‘Oh, I have to do homework’ or a ‘My stomach’s giving me trouble today’ or a ‘I had a big breakfast and I’m not hungry.’ You know, the usual stuff. They believed me and thought nothing of it, I guess.”

“What did you do while they ate? I mean, if you had to sit there.”

“I could convince myself of anything at anytime. I could tell myself that I ate a hamburger and then I would be full. Or I would listen to the disgusting sounds of the food being chewed in their mouth, and wondered how they could be so weak to give into food. I made myself feel superior by saying that I had power and control while they did not.” Kristy picked up a figurine from the table and studied it.

::: *Day 4* :::

“I wearily woke up every morning and dragged myself out of the bed to prepare for another long day. It would always be dark outside when I got dressed into sweats and jogged out of the house. The sun would always be on the brink of rising, threatening to expose my fat body to the world. On school days it would always be a three-mile run in the mornings and two hours of intense exercise at the gym at night. On weekends it would always be a four-mile run followed by four hours of extreme exercise either divided up into hours or just four hours straight.” She studied her psychiatrist with her beautiful blonde hair tied back into a ponytail. ‘Only if I could be as thin as her.’ Kristy thought silently to herself.

::: *Day 5* :::

“The pain in my stomach used to grow worse with every second that passed by. I used to then squeezed my hand into a tight fist, and give my stomach several punches. Sure, there was some discomfort, but the pain decreased a little. Then I’d pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them as I laid in my bed shivering in the dark. Nothing could keep me warm anymore those days. My nose would run and my coughs would come out with a disgusting sound as usual as I would let my eyes close and help me drift off to sleep.” Kristy quietly said. The sunlight penetrated through the huge windows with dark, red velvet hanging on both sides. The light hit her pale skin as she squirmed in the big leather chair.

::: *Day 6* :::

“Over the year, I kept missing school —- a lot. I was constantly sick from colds and bad headaches and everything. People questioned me as to why I was sick so often.” Kristy stood up and walked over to the window and shut the curtains.

“What did you say to them?”

“I didn’t. I just walked away and withdrew from everyone.” She tried to make herself comfortable on the big leather chair again without much success. “My parents began to notice how thin I was getting. They kept on asking me if everything was all right and watched me as if I was a criminal during mealtime. I found myself adding on more clothing every week just to hide how thin I was. I thought this was extremely ironic seeing how I wanted to be thin like this yet when I was, I hid myself under layer after layer because I wasn’t satisfied. All I could think of when I saw myself was how fat and ugly and unattractive I was. I kept telling myself that if I gained a pound or if I didn’t reach my goal of being 75 pounds, I was unattractive and hideous.”

::: *Day 7* :::

“My parents were getting worried more and more everyday. They said I was a walking skeleton. My mom forced me to eat all repulsive foods.”

“Like what?”

“Like meat and chips and ice cream and just disgusting stuff.” Kristy felt like throwing up just thinking about these foods. She could feel her stomach pain increasing.

“I threw it all back up right after, though.”

“Did they know?”

“How should I know? All I know is that this went on for another year.”

She looked at her psychiatrist to see if she was paying any attention.

”I was always running to the bathroom for various reasons right after I ate one thing. When I leaned over the toilet and made myself vomit, I felt so good. I felt like I could control everything in the world. Power, I learned, was the best thing. After all, I did use power to control myself to get the perfect body.”

“Tell me more.”

“I weighed in at 86 pounds the summer after sophomore year.”

::: *Day 8* :::

“I was 79 pounds with a BMI of 13.1 that summer after junior year. I was failing every class and I received the lowest grades on the SAT’s. Then one day during summer I just collapsed on the road while running.”

“Tell me about that day.”

“I don’t know. It’s all blurry.”

“Try and remember.”

For a while Kristy and her psychiatrist sat there in silence.

“I was running, as usual.”

She paused and tried to think while the pain in her stomach began to grow.

“Then the music playing grew softer and softer…”

She looked down at her hands that were trembling.

“Then I felt like I was flying for a minute until…until everything went blurry and dark.”

::: *Day 9* :::

“The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. The bright halogen lights above me blinded me for a while. Then I realized the presence of my parents and my aunt by my side.” I stared off into space.

“What happened after that?”

“I felt like I was in prison with the hospital staff watching me every minute. I had to finish everything they gave me and even after studying me eat, they checked my napkin and my cup just to make sure I hadn’t hid anything. After a month, I was 90 pounds. They said I still needed to gain more.”

“Tell me how you felt while all that was happening.”

Kristy had tears forming in her eyes when she thought about what had happened in the past. The psychiatrist handed over a box of tissues, which Kristy pushed away brusquely. She wiped them away with her sleeves and looked away.

“When I was gaining weight and eating, I realized that I was losing control, and everything I’ve worked for was useless. I had made my body to be accustomed to hunger, and starved myself to reach perfection. And then that was all taken away because of the stupid staff.”

“Do you still feel that way?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Sometimes I am grateful for them helping me. Sometimes I despise them for ruining my dreams and pulling me away from them.”

::: *Day 10* :::

Kristy did not show up that day for their session or the next one or any after.

::: *Kristy’s Last Diary Entry* :::

---November 11th, 2005

Our 5th session ended today. I know nothing is getting better but everyone else seems to think so. Nothing will ever get better because they don’t understand anything. After being forced to get up to a 108 lbs a few months ago, I managed to go back down to 93 lbs. It’s getting much harder, though, with my parents still keeping close watch on me and my weight.

Vinegar is my new diet pill and my only friend now, considering that it helps me control my hunger. I drink it everyday at least five times —- 2 tablespoons full each time. I think I can eventually get back down to a 79 and work my way from there to a 75.

-Piece of gum — 5 calories

-Cup of milk - 100 calories

-Piece of chocolate - 35 calories

I need to work my way down to at the max of 10 calories a day. I know, I cheated today but only because I didn't know chocolate would be so hard to throw back up.

::: *Epilogue* :::

On November 16th, 2005, Kristy was found in her bed curled up into a ball. Her body looked disfigured, and her bones were sticking out, visible through her shirt.

She was only seventeen with just two more weeks until her eighteenth birthday. She never had a chance to graduate with her classmates as she laid dead in her casket instead with the red dress she had bought for graduation. She looked so fragil and small in the dress that loosely fit on her bony body. Her skin was as pale as the white satin that lined the inside. The family placed her high school diploma in her little hands before closing the lid and saying goodbye to her forever.

Kristy was first caught in the 1% of women who suffered from anorexia nervosa. After recovery, she became one of the 4% of women who suffered from bulimia. Kristy, being one of the poeple with an eating disorder who attained help, was not included in the 60% of people who fully recovered, nor the 20% of people who partially recovered, nor the 20% of people who did not recover but still lived. Instead, she became one of the 3% of people with an eating disorder who died even with treatment.