personal entry #2

Dear Dairy, 1

Today I couldn’t believe it. I was stupid enough to call him. Why did I? I don’t know myself. Well he still seemed pretty mad about the whole me being pregnant. I told him that what he did to me brought upon a miscarriage, all he said to that was “good it needed to die.” I kept asking him why he said that, he wouldn’t answer me. I started to cry, he must have heard me. “Please Daniel tell me why, why did it have to die. Why couldn’t you live with me having a child like I have always wanted?” I begged and pleaded like this for what seemed like hours. Even though it was really only five minutes. Finally I got a response; it startled me because he started laughing. He finally said “you are so pitiful you should have heard yourself beg for me to leave you alone, why do I do anything to you? Its because you deserve it. And you know that much. I am the only one who sees that it is wrong for you ever to have children; you’d most likely kill yourself if one of them ever said ‘I hate you’ to you. Well I just saved you from killing yourself. So that I can do that job for you. And besides the child wasn’t mine.” I sat here on my bed in shock I wasn’t expecting him to say those words. But what does he know. I haven’t been suicidal for almost a year. I have turned to self-mutilation in over six months, well that was before he did that to me. Stole the one thing I’ve always wanted the one thing I could care for and raise so that it wouldn’t turn out like them or me. But no that chance is gone. And he is at fault for that lose. So why do I still go crawling back to trusting him after so many time of him hurting me and me saying I would never trust him again. Yet I do every time. Well he is taking it to far now. I’m turning him in yet again. I still have the bruises and proof from the night he found out. It was only not even two weeks ago yet. And already I thought I could trust him after I got his real explanation. Well I guess I was wrong. And I hate him so much for those words that he said. I couldn’t believe it. And these tears they brought to my eyes seem never ceasing. I hate him, oh well he will soon be gone at least for a little while. I need to go make the call while I still have the courage. i'll write again later.2