I Remember...

I walked down the streets with my hands shoved in the pockets of my coat in the perfect temperature carried by a gentle breeze. The place was crowded with people rushing here and there as I walk slowly, dreading to get to her and at the same time wanting to be with her more than ever. I left behind the continuous city noise and pollution as I entered a place no one visited nowadays. Leaves of orange, red, brown, and green were scattered on the bed of the dead ones now that it’s November. The ground was soaked from the rain that had poured down for days previously, and the air carried on a feeling of melancholy with the sun was blocked out by the dense mass of trees. The grave stones lined in neat rows were now covered with dying vines, which blocked out the worn names and dates engraved onto them. This cemetery held a special someone named Lindsey. 1

I guess I was too enwrapped to hear the leaves crackle underneath the heavy footsteps behind me. I could see my breath as I let out a sigh mixed with sorrow and self hate. I bowed my head and looked down, caught in my own memories. Memories of happy, sad, exciting, shocking, and special moments of my life. 2

The first one happened to be the best day of my life actually. I saw you standing outside the house next to mine one summer. Your gorgeous golden brown hair was down and flowed in the wind, scattering across your slightly tanned skin. Your deep blue eyes sparkled with excitement and simultaneously with great sadness in the bright sun. 3

"Hi, I'm Neal." I said tapping you from behind.4

You turned suddenly and looked at me: wild, curly blond hair that covered my brown eyes—no striking features to look at. You stood there quietly, analyzing ever inch of me before hesitantly holding out your hand for a shake and saying, “Hi, I’m Lindsey.”5

You and I were both twelve when we first met each other. You were a month older than I was and you always used that to get your way on most situations throughout our four, long years of friendship. Four, long years of strong friendship, which apparently wasn’t enough. 6

Remember when we were in ninth grade and I finally mustered up the courage to ask you out to the first homecoming? You were kind of reluctant to say yes to your best friend but you did at the end. Then we shared our first kiss together under the thousands of stars that lined the black sky above our heads after the dance. I’ll never forget the awkward seconds that led to that wonderful kiss, and I’ll never forget the feel of your slippery lip gloss and the sweet fruity taste from the gum you chewed before. 7

After a little over a year of going out, during the middle of summer break after out tenth year, you broke up with me. When I heard those four, sinful words come out of your mouth, I wanted to run away immediately from the scene just so that I wouldn't hear what you were going to say next. But you held me there with your eyes and hand like always. 8

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"Neal, I'm being unfair keeping you as mine when I don't like you the way you like me." You said squeezing my hands with yours. Your eyes held a range of emotions: guilt, sadness, and confusion. 10

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I hated you so much that night for breaking my heart. No, not breaking because when something is broken, it can be glued back. No, you stole my heart with you when I walked away, never giving it back. During the next nine days and nights, I foolishly cried over you again and again, hating you more than ever. If I only knew what the future held for you, I would've never been such a bastard. 12

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"We need to talk, Neal. I don't want to lose my best friend to something like this." You said on the phone when I didn’t bother to talk to her for two weeks after the break up. I remember missing your sweet voice in my ear and your warm presence next to me. Those two traits of yours were the reason why I walked outside to your house where you were stretched out and laying on the cool grass under the blazing sun. 14

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"Remember I first met you here?" You asked me while motioning me to lay down next you. You rested your soft hair on my chest and took my hand into your delicate little ones as soon as I settled on the grass. 16

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"Yeah." I said after a few minutes of silence. The sweet scent of her shampoo crept up my nose. 18

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"I wanted you to be the first one to know why I had to break it off."20

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"That's a lie." Those words came out more bitter than I wanted them to. "There was nothing and no one forcing you to break up with me." 22

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"Feelings forced me to, Neal." You paused for a while. "You know how I went to that music camp the first week of summer?”24

“Yeah.” 25

“I met a girl name Alice, and I realized something.” You gripped my hand so tightly that I could no longer feel the circulation. “I realized that love is blind, you know? It’s blind to gender, and I also realized that it wasn’t guys that I loved.” 26

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"What are you saying?" I asked, wanting to see if what you were saying what I thought you were saying. God, I was so stupid.28

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"I think I’m a lesbian, Neal. I don’t like guys as much as I like Alice." You said looking at me straight in eyes, piercing through me.30

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I didn't want to believe it at first because if I did, it would mean that it was true, and if it was true, there would be no way in hell for you and me to be a "us.” But after a few minutes, I slowly started to accept the fact that you had no romantic feelings for guys, which for a split second made me want to be a girl. 32

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"So you don't like guys, at all?" I said idiotically.34

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"No, or not to my knowledge." You said with your eyes directed at the ladybug crawling across a grass blade. "I’ll understand if you don’t want to be my friend--"36

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"No, I don't want to lose my best friend over something like this." I said, half lying. I actually did want to lose you as my friend at that time so that I wouldn’t have to be grieving over the fact that you didn’t like guys—me. 38

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During our junior year, however, we were closer than before. I guess big secrets like this brought people together—it brought you and me closer anyway. You told me that I couldn't tell anyone that you were a lesbian, and while I kept the sacred secret to myself, I also secretly wished you would one day change your mind about being a lesbian and at least become bisexual. 40

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Then for the prom, you shocked me by your decision. You were so stupid, Lindsey. So, so stupid to do what you did. You entered the school that night, hand in hand with Alice. People questioned you and you remained silent while Alice answered for you nonstop. I still wonder if you were ready to come out or if she pressured you into coming out. 42

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After that Saturday, everyone looked at you differently as well as me. I guess I can't complain much when I look at what you had to go through. People verbally harassed you so much--so much that the verbal harassment turned to physical harassment a lot of the times. I guess everyone, except for Alice and me, couldn’t handle the fact that you were a lesbian. They were so scared that maybe you'd...I don't know. Just scared of having a homosexual girl among them. Sure, I went through some verbal harassment too but only from time to time. You had to endure it everyday after that Saturday. 44

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Then, after a month, Alice left you, and I can still remember how much you cried. No words could describe the pain and sorrow that was in your heart, but I felt every emotion that went through you as I watched you go through box after box of Kleenex in my room. I tried, Lindsey. I really tried to try and help you that night, but I guess I wasn't strong enough for you. I wasn’t strong enough for you that night, the future days, and the past days. 46

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It was so ironic how the one person who gave you life could kick you out of the house in an instant. Word got to your parents that you were a lesbian, or a "slut" as they called you. They were so furious when they told you to get out of their house as soon as they found out. After that, while you stayed with my family, your family didn't care much at all. They didn't care where you were and what was happening to you. All they cared about was their reputation, and how they could deny the fact that a person of their own blood was a lesbian. You cried every night for the first two weeks. After that, you turned cold and hard, not letting anyone, not even me, in to help you. 48

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If I only knew what I know now, I would've never let you walk out of the house that night. When we got into a angry debate about that night during prom, you ran out crying. I was too blinded by anger to stop you or run after you and apologize for my stupid behavior. Instead I let you walk away from me to your own death. 50

51

That night, while I was safely sitting in my room angry at you, you were out in the dark by yourself, defenseless. Three guys ended up taunting you and raping you in the woods on the side of a highway. You ran away and called me from your cellphone, crying hysterically into the phone. I asked where you were, instantly forgetting about my anger at you, and you replied that you didn’t know. The call ended with shouts and thumps, and I called the police right away. If only you had known, or only if I was smart enough to stop you, then maybe you would be here with me without the three shots to your back that killed you instantly. 52

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I remember that night so vividly and clearly: how I felt, what went through my mind, and when everything happened. I felt like a spectator watching someone close getting beaten up in front of him, held back by a thin thread that he couldn’t break. Thoughts of “Lindsey, please call back, tell me you’re kidding,” went through my mind. Then at 1:23AM I saw red and blue police lights outside your house. That night, I felt like a part of me was torn away, and I still feel like a part of me is missing: you. 54

I stand here before a grave containing a coffin that holds your decaying body. For two years, countless numbers of my tears fell onto your resting place daily. Your family gave you a quick and small burial and moved away shortly afterwards. I sometimes find myself holding angry feelings against your family and the three bastards who stole your precious life away and stole you away from me. You didn’t get to graduate with me and you didn’t get a chance to hear what I wanted to tell you and still want to tell you. You were taken away undeservingly and untimely. 55

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A cold hand touched my face gently and wiped my tears away, turning me around.57

"It’s time to go." Peter said.58

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"I know. I just wanted visit her one last time." I walked out of the cemetery in his arms and gave him a short, sweet kiss.60

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