She is flying through space, among the stars, touring Saturn's rings. At least, that's where she imagines herself at times like these. Times when the world is lost, her loved ones are lost, she is lost.1
Today the kids at school had formed a circle around a fat boy. It started out as a few bullies knocking his books on the ground, but in five minutes this fat boy was a blubbering school wide spectacle. All the kids were presently standing in a circle around him, hollering and chanting. Oh, how the girl wished she was him. Instead, she was standing about thirty feel away from the rest of the normal students, near the teachers (presently drinking coffee and sneaking in a morning smoke while disregarding the mass of students). One girl was alone. Her face was sober and tearful. She was utterly invisible.2
Later that day, the teachers would call her name. "No," she'd think, "I'm not here right now." And without a word, the teacher would move one. "Invisible," she thought.3
All day and night this girl walked on the rings of Saturn, and tonight, she decided, she'd take her final trip. The corners of her mouth turned upward, an odd, forgein feeling.4
She could see the Rings now. She was nearing them. Closer, closer. There was a small snap. Back to reality. One glance down, and she saw her hands in a sink full of icy water. "No matter," she thought. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath put her back on Saturn. Presently there was a rip in her world, tearing through the starry night like a bolt of red lightning. The rips followed each other in slow succession at first, increasing in speed and length as time went on. One by one, the stars disappeared, the night grew darker. Feeling faint, the girl sat down on the First Ring of Saturn. But wait, through the darkness, she saw a girl slumped over a cold porcelain sink. It was her. Tears came to her eyes...it had been years since she looked in a mirror. Then she got a good look at the sink. The water was blood red. Her wrists looked like cheap cuts of meat. Her left hand was barely recognizable, closed tightly around a razor blade. The room was slowly getting darker, and beginning to spin. She could feel the drops of blood trickle off her ever widening grin. She fell like that, ending her space odyssey forever.5
(Invisible)6
Author notes
I know that you may say it sounded cliche, but I like it, dammit. That little girl is my spirit.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Thanks! That's what I was going for. This story means a lot to me, so I'm glad you liked it.
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Sure didn't see the end coming...the way you approached it is cleverly deceptive. A lot of feeling in such a short space, good write.
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know this feeling all too well, although there are times when being 'invisible' comes in handy. personally, i really enjoyed reading this story, because it espresses feelings i've had most of my life. i did understand the metaphor (at least i believe i did...can't know 100% what is in another writers head when they are writing) and thought you did a great job expressing conflicting emotions.
~liz -
somewhat sad and dark but not overdone and i dont think it was cliche, but who am i to say what is cliche and aint? this was good
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Good write, hope its not to close to your heart!
All the best in contest. BON -
Thank you for the comment and the thoughts
The girl's "Saturn" was meant to be just a place for her to escape. I was just searching for somewhere far, far away to show how badly she doesn't want to be where is. Thanks again!
~MOONZ -
I used to be the kind of kid that was the farthest thing from invisible, and eventually, I fell out of it. To be honest, I'm glad I did. Had I continued down that path, I would've ended up like those idiot preppy losers that parties every weekend and smokes pot. Being invisible isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you know where to draw the line. Anyway, as for your story, it was short, but well written. To be honest, I can't say I saw, nor understood, the metaphor when Saturn, but I'm sure there was a purpose. Good write, and good luck.
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Awesome
This was well done. I know invisibility all too well. Kudos. -
a powerful write
This is sad...heartbreaking...I don't know what to say...
Exteremely well written and the metaphor is very clever it's just I feel very sad after reading this write...I'm just hoping this is not how you feel at the moment.
If you are feeling depressed perhaps you would like to join The Online Family of which I am a member:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/329399
And thenperhaps ask for an advice using the link below. please read a message about privacy before posting:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/512859
Best Wishes
Di
P.S. to get to a link copy and paste it into the address line at the top of this page and press 'go' you can do the same for another link as well
Edited on Apr 24, 11:47 p.m. because 'typo'.
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