Ode to the one they call....Vanisher

In 1892 a child was born

He wore a black hat and carried a sword

When he fought

Birds would soar

When he fought

He would get bored

In fact he would fall on the floor and snore

The tales of the Vanisher run very deep in Sa^yonce. Most of them are big fat hairy fish tales, but I believe I know the truth about him. I believe the Vanisher is my brother's, may God rest his soul, son.

About nine years ago my brother and his prostitute wife were banished by the roman Catholic church for being un-married and expecting a child. Nine months later an angry mob set their house on fire, just as the bastard son was being born in Transylvania.

His whore of a wife was too weak too walk, so my brother scooped up his child and ran though the fire then watched as his lover burned to death along with his house. My brother then took a look at his child and noticed that his skin was fading away until there he held an invisible child.

Unable to see his only child he grew angry he clothed his child and left his bastard son on the steps of some family's house and left. The couple that found the child was over joyed to receive him, for they had been unsuccessful of having their own children.

The couple decided to name him Bakree, which meant to be free. They grew to be a wonderful family; until the couple dropped him off at school and never went to pick him up.

Bakree later found out the they had been murdered by my angry brother. My angry brother had  convinced his self that his son was a demon sent into the world to make his life miserable. When in fact I believe his son's invisibility was the wrath of God meat to punish my brother for his sinful ways.

Only God knows the truth for man can only offer opinion when trying to debate the morals of God. Anyway, Bakree feeling abandoned became a thief to survive living off of any and everything; anything he could get away with since no one could see him. That boy, my nephew, grew up to be the saddest man on the planet. So sad that it is said that the angels felt sorry for him and that God had mercy for him.

So the Heavens gave Bakree the Sword Of Sorrow, it is said that this sword granted all the purest thoughts and desires, one thing, however, that the sword couldn't do was interfere with free will or grant him visibility.

With the power of the sword he became a vigilante taking the law into his own hands. Robin Hood failed in comparison. His name was never known for he was never seen most people wrote off his activities as works of God. His title varied by region but the most common were: Vanisher, Ghost and Spirit.

He would go on town to town doing the most heroic and unexplainable things. Seemingly not having weakness or humanity he became tired of his life; tired of never being the hero, never getting credit. He lost his touch and became lonely, he wanted to know what it felt like to be loved.

Bakree settled down and started to lead a normal life; an invisible normal life. But as they say old habits do die hard, especially when his own father started going on a killing spree; killing the very same people that the vanisher had helped.

So here it is the last part of my mind's recollection of this story. Father and son had now come face to face, sword to sword in a seemingly endless battle until the father finally met his grave; killed by his own flesh and blood.

Bakree in avenging his adopted parents and all his father's victims, finally could be seen.

Author notes

I hope this story is good I normally write stories with a lot of speaking i.e. blabbermouth stories.

A contest entry

I beg you for your opinion

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9
  • the shorty
    April 19, 2008

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    Wow, this is good. Great plot, and I liked the way you naratted it. Plus, awesome name. ^-^
    Nice job and good luck in the contest.


  • Rini
    September 13, 2007

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    An interesting plot. The story overall felt rushed though. It would help to have some more descriptions. Maybe actually describe the battle.

    Did you pull the story out of my contest and enter it again, or did I accidentally delete it and you re-entered it?


  • Jennywinnie
    March 5, 2007

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    Great imagination! This is certainly original! Just allow me to point out a few things that I knoticed all in the interest perfecting our art.

    I would suggest trying to find another way to word, "It all started in Transylvania..." simply because it's used alot. You could cut it off entirely and just start with, "About nine years ago..."

    The only other thing that I can see is that maybe you could go into these individual scenes and play them out line by line. HOw does the evil Father kill Bakree's adopted parents? Of course if you did that it might be a novel. Ah well, it's up to you then. Good luck


  • travis34dietC
    February 25, 2007

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    i really liked this story. original and interesting. could you add to it?
    thanks for entering my contest! great job!


  • February 20, 2007

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    Pretty good, original and entertaining kept the readers focus thoughout , pretty good detail , all around a good story

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.

  • sofar55
    February 4, 2007
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    wow!

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 2.

  • Dinky Di
    February 4, 2007

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    Very good story telling with out the use of dialogue - its dificult to write like that, isn't it!!

    I enjoyed the read, it was very imaginitive.


  • Rebel Rebel silver member
    February 4, 2007

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    But did anyone put a tattoo on that baby bastard?

    After watching the movie Little Man I could not resist asking that question.

    It was delightful. Easy to read and enjoyable.

    So many plots within plots. Surely it is a story skipped over by Shakespeare.

    This must be the origin of the original invisible man.

    I liked it. Could you introduce yourself to us? Do not stay invisible. Smile.


    • Night-Rink
      February 4, 2007

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      But did anyone put a tattoo on that baby*bunny*?

      well my name is Chelsy. I live in fresno ca. I have been writing since I was in fourth grade. I write more than I type. I love poetry and comedy. I'm a huge sucker for sci-fi. I'm 15 and I love this site.

1 - 9 of 9