My hair was blowing in the wind and the fog was whisping around my feet. It also was swimming on top of the loch. It was a cold night - you could see my breath.1
I stood on the jetty just looking out to the clouds dancing on the water. I hugged myself to keep myself warm.2
"So you came" his voice sounded dark and deserted. I turned to look at him and he just stood there so solumly, all dressed in black.3
"I came, why do you want me here?" I asked teeth chattering with the cold.4
Clouds covered the moon and everything went quiet.5
"I came to say good-bye" I looked into his dark emotionless eyes and saw emptiness.6
"Why? Are you moving?" I said in a hope that the eerie atmosphere would go.7
"No, I'm leaving this world, you must leave now, good-bye"8
My head was spinning, "Why? I can't let you do this."9
"Just Go!" he said it in a calm but stern voice.10
Tears streamed down my face. It was over. I'd never win, he was going to do it regardless of the fact I was there. "Good-bye."11
He watched me leave silently knowing I wouldn't utter a word about this night to anyone.12
***13
" A body of a young boy who died 4 years ago to this day has been found in a Small loch , outside his home-town in Scotland. The body has the words "Good-bye, Amy" scared into his arms and legs ..."14
I turned the TV off, picked up his picture. 15
"Aeternum Vale"16
Author notes
A Loch is a lake in Scottish and Aeternum Vale is latin for Farwell Forever! I wrote this at 7:30 this morning so it's not that good - sorry peoples!!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I liked this piece for its' content. You told the story concisely and emotionaly. One technical note: 'solumly' should be 'solemnly'. Thanks for reading and commenting on my work.
Regards,
Leo Long -
This is short and very mysterious, but good. It leaves you wondering and wanting more, a good tactic. Just one thing I'd change was the line "I hugged myself to keep myself warm." I don't think one word should be used twice in a sentance. So maybe "I hugged myself to keep warm." would work better? Could just be me though.
Great write and good luck in the contest. -
Oh, never say your work isn't good. I found it intriguing, having never been to Scottland. I like dark, mysterious writes like this. Very intriguing and leaves you wondering...what if...is it true...could it be...nothing like leaving an audience with some questions. It brings them back for more.
Well done.
Victoria Lin
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I just wanted to fill in a little more on why i liked this one.
1) it was short lol
2) you had a sort of suspense in here b/c no one knows why he left.
3) Great writing all in all...
Keep writing. And remember to always put yourself in it! take care
~*~ShrOomy~*~ -
No i thought this was pretty good and the best part is it's short! thanx for entering
-Audri -
i like it, well done.... beautiful
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wow. that was good!
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