My Love

It wasn't the cold evening in Texas that sparked my frontal lobe, and I know it wasn't my absent husband.1

I think it was my heart.2

----3

I met Lewis Brownstein in the first grade. We grew up together, the uber-nerd lusting after my friends. For some reason, he never turned his bifocals onto me- or at least I didn't notice. But he did, the lanky 8th grader sending me glances in gym class, his blue eyes no longer shielded by the thick frames of his childhood. His red hair was still a mess, and his clothing was highly unfashionable. The glances sent shivers up my spine, and no matter how much I fought- they came again and again.4

It was the last day before Christmas vacation that he finally made his approach. I stood against the concrete wall, my name brand skirt fitting loosely against my legs. My girl-friends laughed, winking as they tottered off- sending the occasional jive.5

I broke it off eight days later, the torment of popular jocks and their cheerleader girlfriends becoming much more then I could handle. 6

As I sip my latte, the warmth brings back smells I recall from our one and only date. He arrived dressed in a plaid suit, the sleeves pinned back, his socks showing. His mother dropped us off at a local cafe, giving him ten dollars. Our waitress took her sweet time, my latte was much too strong for my thirteen year old taste buds. Our food was tasteless, and I ended up paying for my own.7

He would have showed up at our wedding in a suit that didn't fit right, and the service would have been horrible. The wedded life would be much too strong for my twenty year old mind. I would burn most every dinner I cooked, and the bills would always be late. 8

I know that Lewis and I held nothing, but a minuscule, week-long fling. We would have had no children... we would have had no reason, no rhyme. 9

----10

Chaz never liked the name Charlie- until I said it. He was seventeen, and on top of the world. I was sixteen, and slowly falling head over heels. He was never captain of the football team, and he was never president of the National Honor Society. Charlie was the kid in the back of the class that always asked if he could borrow a pen, then lose it by the time class was over. Charlie was just the kind of guy I fell for. Charlie was lazy. Charlie was handsome. Charlie wanted me.11

In my Sophomore year of High school, he asked me out. A proposal in some sorts, his previous attempts failing miserably. According to my mother, no boy with hair longer then a girl's should be allowed to date her daughter- but Charlie won her heart.12

Maybe he took hers with the roses he bought her, and the chocolates on Valentine's Day, and the Christmas present that dad never bought her.13

After a year went by, I knew he was the one. Charles Edison Berkley would one day be my husband, and I would one day be his wife. He acquired a job, a vehicle, and a hair cut. He acquired a high school diploma, while I endured my last year as a student. The plan? As soon as I graduated, we were to move in together, beginning to build our life.14

The plan failed on a rainy day, when Morris James consumed three and a half bottles of home-made moonshine, and got behind the wheel of his 1967 Ford Pick-Up. Even if he hadn't drank many pints of liquor, even if he hadn't changed his mind on the interstate- Charlie would have never reached my house that day. 15

Pulled off on the shoulder, his hood up and umbrella out, Charlie yanked out his engine belt, the shredded rubber proof of what had happened to his beat-up car. It was the seven steps it took to get to his trunk, the few seconds of when Morris was passing him, the exact moment of impact. Maybe it was meant to be, maybe Charlie was meant for God- and not me.16

----17

Becca introduced me to Shane Cooper. His chapped lips and beer-breath turned me away from the dorm party boy. He was 21, drunk, and looking to score. I, unfortunately, became his object of affection. I often pondered why he chose little ol' me, when his letterman jacket attracted crowds of females- much prettier than I. 18

By the end of the night, he insisted on walking me to my dorm, though I had consumed much less liquor then he, and could actually defend myself. He crashed on my sofa, and I shoved him out the door as soon as I walked through the kitchen, my panties showing because I thought he was gone. When I awoke the next morning, he was lying on his back... right outside my door. 19

After about two weeks, his insufferable charm and wild attitude began to intrigue me. I held back feelings I pretended didn't exist, and I resisted giving him my phone number. He found out though, calling me every hour for three days straight. That was when I gave in- and agreed for a date.20

Despite his rudeness, and typical college behavior- I had a good time. There was something in the way he picked up his silverware, and there was something in his eyes as he told me how beautiful I was. I had known him for almost a month, and he made me out to be a goddess. Any girl would melt, and I am any girl. 21

He caught me by surprise as he helped me out of his truck. When he walked me to my door, we kissed. That was when I should have realized the danger. The danger of moving too fast, the danger of falling in love, the danger of regret.22

I made one of the worst mistakes of my life three weeks later. 23

I invited him in, a large pint of chocolate ice cream still un-opened in my freezer. As I brought down two bowls, Shane wandered into my bedroom, soon returning without a jacket. It wasn't until later that I realized he had returned without a belt, as well. 24

We ate ice cream, we kissed. We watched some television, we slowly removed articles of clothing. We moved to my bedroom, and I slowly cursed myself. We made love, and I ate myself alive with guilt.25

It was guilt that kept me with Shane, and it is guilt that haunts me as I look at my child. I stayed with Shane for two more months, his needs being met by me, and as I now know- my two best friends. It was from Becca that I now have what I deserve. Shane contracted it too, but the asshole never bothered to voice his worries. When I was 24- a year before I wed- I contracted cervical cancer, and was told I could never have children. Maria is a miracle in herself, and Aiden calls her his little angel.26

----27

I knew Aiden in middle school. He always got in trouble for talking, and eventually changed schools half-way through seventh grade. 28

I knew Aiden in high school, his locker was three down from mine. He always forgot his combination, and had the lock cut off three times during our Senior year. 29

I knew Aiden in college. He started debates with our philosophy teacher, and sat two rows behind me. He made paper airplanes out of report rubrics, and made a higher grade than me.30

I loved Aiden when I bumped into his shopping cart, the large pile of toilet paper falling onto the Supermarket tile. It was Halloween in two nights, and the 23 year old still acted 14. We exchanged a laugh, and the usual 'Didn't we have a class together?' I figured we would never speak again, until he called me.31

He called me the next day, saying he acquired my number from the telephone book. That was good enough for me.32

I married Aiden when I was 25, and had my Dentistry degree. His warm voice greets me every morning as I brush my teeth, his comfortable arms warming me from the soul as he hugs my body. My daughter's cheerful laugh sends tingles up my spine, as her small feet patter up the stairs. I have a life I couldn't have possibly lived with Lewis, Charlie, or Shane. I have prayers that I thought I would never pray. 33

I have this life- that I thought I might never live. I have my Aiden, I have my Maria, and I have my unanswered prayers. They comfort me in times of need, and when I feel I should have done things differently. But I know everything I did was right, and I know that this is my path. 34

This is my love.35