Mockery

When in life, we let down our gaurd, and open ourselves to another, we run the risk or damaging that which we truely are, by letting it be seen by others.  I have done this in my life.  I have trusted and loved.  I have cared for others, as I thought they cared for me.  And I have had my heart broken.  I loved her more than my life, that's for sure, because I was guilt ridden at the pain I caused people.  Really, there are no words to adequitly describe it except that I loved her.  I truely and deeply loved her.  When she left, my heart broke.  And it stayed broken for entirely too long.  But I was ok until three days ago.  And suddenly I realize that she has taken my secrets... taken the real me, and given it away.  And now it is being used as a weapon against me.  She defends it, says she didn't tell... but I'll let you do the math.  The one who mocks me now, is her current boyfriend.  Somehow he came to know all of my secrets by telepathy I suppose.  Now, most of what he says does not affect me, because listening to him is like being made fun of by a third grader, but it's the things he throws at me that he shouldn't know... and every time he says something, I feel it cut me... like a knife.  And the worst part is, is that she doesn't care about the pain it's caused me.  She herself attacks me now... attacks me with myself... It's something that isn't easily rebounded from.  And it's rediculous and stupid, but every time I hear him say something that he shouldn't know, I feel my heart break again.  Because she writes herself into circles, never answering any questions because she thinks they don't need answers... but I can tell you right now, some problems DO have answers.  So now, as if this all weren't enough to deal with, I'm a senior, and graduating.  I'll be leaving for basic training in August and I'm leaving everything behind.  And now this.  I don't know how long I can take this kind of punishment.  I've dealt with quite enough.  I haven't slept in three long days.  She thinks it's funny.  I have terrible nightmares that tear my mind, she rolls her eyes.  I swear that I could die in a car wreck and she would just act disgusted that I even bothered to live in the first place.  Why DO people live if there is nothing but pain?  It's about people.  It's all about people.  Have you ever been stabbed in the back by someone?  Have they ever been too damn good to talk to you?  Have they ever... and now I have these, haunting echos of silence... where there should be other things.  And ringing in my head I hear the screams.  Of people I've hurt, the people who hurt me, and my own screams, screaming back at all the others.  I'm so tired I wish I could go to sleep, but I can't.  because even when I do finally get to sleep, I'll be swiftly awakened by some terrible nightmare.  I'm tired of fighting with everything.  I am very near a crossroads I think, and neather fork is good.  I think that honestly there comes a point in life where either you let yourself be destroyed, or you destroy those who pursicute you.  To save myself, or to let myself die.... either way it doesn't seem to make much differance any more.  No one cares, and I seem to be drifting away into some space where nothing, including life, matters any more.1