My face is covered in blood. I fall to the floor, the linoleum feels cold on my fingertips. I turn my body right side up so I can see the next strike, I see a flash in the corner of my left eye, I roll over and dodge it and I hear a large explosion between metal and the kitchen floor. The second I hear that sound I make a break for my room. I run down the hallway, my dad runs after me and bumps into the wall knocking a family photo off the wall. I find the stairs and grab the railing. My adrenalin is going crazy. I get into my room and close and lock my door. He starts to slam at the door and with each crack my hope breaks. My fathers gone way to far this time I’m afraid my life is almost over. I stare out of the window, its dark outside and I get an idea! I open the window then look back. I didn't even notice that my dad was through the door staring at me! I panic and jump out of the window. I soar down to the cold dark ground. Then I hit the ground, hard! Then I try to get up but I can't. I feel a sharp but calm feeling come over me, I black out.
I wake up, my eyes blurred I make out some kind of tree maybe a pole it's hard to tell, then something comes toward me! I try to get up and run but I black out again.
A light explodes into my face, my eyes pop open. I feel metal with my fingers and toes, but my feet and hands are otherwise numb. Then everything comes to view, I’m in the center of a small circular room. The walls are brick with graffiti on them, I start to read the words but then I start to think more clearly. I look at myself and realize that my feet and hands are enclosed in metal traps! I all of a sudden feel throbbing in my hands and feet and I instantly know, these traps are spiked. I start to panic when a booming voice comes on. “I am the voice of the ****** and im here to tell you the rules for this…puzzle. They are extremely simple for you my sufferer.” the voice is noticeably dark and mysterious and it has a glimmer of pleasure mixed in. “if you look on the floor and the bottom of the walls you will see vents” I look quickly to the floor and see twelve vents altogether there covered in red and brown colored stains. “Those vents play a key role in this puzzle” I think to myself, what kind of madman does this to a kid? As I think this my right hand starts to throb. “Those vents will soon fill this pretty little room with gallons of rat juice and unless the man in the maze can complete his task, come in here and save you you’re a dead…kid.” my heart jumps out the second the word dead comes to the life of sound. “But I have one last thing to say, the one you’re counting on to save your life is, your dad.”
Author notes
this story was written after i watched saw 3 so its a bit...sick lol please locate and tell me about the spelling errors cause i know there are alot...but either way tell me if its good! and yes its sappose to b a cliffhanger
A contest entry
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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Okay, honest opinions ....
Well, the story has really great posibilities. I don't look at this in the same light as Saw. Saw, as a lot of other slasher movies only set up enough of a plot line to get you to the next 90 minutes of slashing.
What I like about your story is it gives a working relationship between the father and the son. The son knowing his father might have killed him if he'd caught him this last time. So right there you have the hopelessness of the kid surviving to start with.
Now, you throw in yet another horror. The unknown part of it.
There is a glimmer of hope for the kid. Yet you almost snatch that away before he can sigh with relief. Which way will it go for him?
It's up to the reader to finish this story!!
Now, what could be improved. A bit more detail once the boy goes out the window. Just as you put him in the most peril, you give him a way out by letting him black out. Perhaps letting him stay awake for a while and let him experience the pains of going out the window, of being handled by an unknown...maybe imagining at first it's his father?
What I am trying to say is that you need to take your time and let the boy suffer more. Build on that.... But this is just my opinion.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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The action was good and storyline was super. Will say certain things need a bit of attention: floor maybe doesn't need to be folled by "kitchen floor." Stuff like that. Just keep going because you sure have the knack.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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humm...
It definatly reminds me of Saw. Kind of the third one where someone saves others by going through a maze... but to the story. I really didn't like it alot. It has some good details but I don't think a "kid" in this situation would be as worried about his dad, vents on the floor, and getting out. A kid would be probably be crying and scared. I'd like to see more of a mental stand point in it like the fear and emotion the kid is feeling. Maybe describe the room where he is beign held a little better. Not bad for your first story but it needs some work. Keep on working at it and you may eventually have something. -
it definatly reminded me os the Saw movies, though i have yetto see the 3rd one. becuase of that i don't like it as much, 'cause it's not originl.
but, as far as content and how it was written, you deifinatly hav potential
god job, and keep writing -
OMG!!! This is really scary!!!! I was almost ready to hit the BR if you know what I mean. Really good. I hope to see the next chapter soon!!!!!
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Maybe a bit more detail. Tell me when there's more to this. I only saw part of saw 3, but I couldn't finish it. A bit more back ground before jumping into the torture scene. Thanks!
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yea, i i figured that out, im writing a better horror story that doesnt relate to saw its gunna be alot better
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UM
Why is he scared of his dad? -
Besides some spelling, punctuation, and maybe paragraphing issues, this is pretty good. The details are awesome, though some could be spiced up a littl more. Maybe you could add more of the character's thoughts to the to give it some more... filling, I guess I could call it. Make it longer with the character's inner thoughts and give the character more depth that way too.
Very nice job, once again. And nice twist at the end. Makes me wonder if his dad actually comes through -
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ty
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Good!
A very good and short story, obviously influenced by saw, but indeed good!
And a cool end, who knows what might happen?
Good work!
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Very good
Wow just reading the beggining was enough for me to want morebeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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ty
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mmm....you are only fourteen? jeepers your good!congrats, i expect to see your novels on the shelves one day.xxx
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haha, yep im 14! lol and thx, i hope to get something of mine published, even though im mostly a poet
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Nice job! It had the element of suspense and thrill in it... I have watched a couple of the saw movies but that was a long time ago... I hope to watch it again...
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ty
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Oooh,the twist of irony at the end was great... Wow... The plot itself jumped a lot from one thing to the next. How did she end up from jumping out the window to stuck in a metal chamber? It doesnt really make a whole lot of sense, but its good otherwise. You do have a talent, to but to accent it, you are going to need a lot of work and mostly a lot of English classes to learn more about grammer, punctuation, fragments, and other things in Language Arts that you seem to be lacking. I understand that you are 14, which is great because you have plenty of time to learn all you need to.
As the story is concerned, you should mention more detail. What does she look like? What does her dad look like? What did the fear she was experiencing feel like? All those imagery and sensory details will make your story all the better. I really liked this and I hope you got something out of my comment.
I wish you the best in what you do.
DuStBuNnI
aka...Ana
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this helpes alot actually! tyvm for this wonderful comment
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THAT WAS REALLY GOOD! I Loved it. I did remember about Saw 1-3 right when I read it. It's brilliant. There were some typos and errors made but other than that, it was brilliant. I really want to read the second part. Let's see if his dad is trustworthy to save him.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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tyvm!
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AWESOME
This is REALLY good, it freaks you, makes you feel so scared but sad for that person. REALLY awesome.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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tyvm
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oh.... nice job! it kept me reading! i've never seen any of the saw movies and i really want to. ^_^ good job.
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tyvm
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yah, I know how it feels to put up your first post and have no one read it, so I sympathize...
good for starters! You have a way with graphic description!!
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ty!
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So..I saw you had something like..PLEASE READ!! I want to know if I'm wasting my time..all that..and that reminds me..of me..and so I had to read this..
Now..to be perfectly honest..I HATE SAW with an undying passion. The movies are sick and cross the line way too much and anyone who can think of an idea, like that of Saw, should probably not be allowed out of his house..
Now to contradicting myself..
The man who wrote that kind of movie is brilliant..and so was this..
It captured my attention so well in the begining and it was very flowing right up until the end..
I love, love, loved the ending..yeah..it was a cliffhanger but the whole point of Saw is to teach the wrong-doers a lesson and you portrayed this very well.
On the same note, the only two things I wasn't too crazy about was the fact that it wasn't really original. The begining was, but the end wasn't..it was completely like Saw and at first I was like..aww man..not good..but then the ending really saved it..especially the last line, that this person only had their father to rely on.
The other thing that sort of bothered me(and can be easily explained on the next addition to this) is in the second saw movie..the kid was a main point in the story..but he didn't really do anything wrong and wasn't really a part of the other people, you know? So this kid..who is really innocent wouldn't be a victim, the father would be.
Of course, this is all your interpretation, and it isn't Saw, so yeah..it's just sort of my dumb opinoun..
So..to sum up my ranting..this was very good
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tyvm for reading my story
and well...saw i think has a brilliant story line and yes its disguesting but...but anyway this story doesnt follow the ruled of saw 1,2, or 3 so the kid can be innocent =p the father is being punished more... trust me
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wow
that's a very interesting story, i got the fact it was and idea like saw from the begining i liked it! -
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tyvm!!
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oh yeah i remeber reading this story before and that i like it but it is not funny. but there is 1 funny part when the dad ps. your dad chases u lol your dad lol i crack my self up
good luck -
whats a linoleum? anyway, u did a realy good job writing it!
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usually the flooring of a kitchen floor =p kinda shiny and sleek, its a "shiny rug"
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hi ryker its me jade gizmo yeah i like the story and i have senn saw 3 to and anyway good story, keep it up
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Brrr. Chilly or what? This certainly bring the shivers out but at the same time leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next. A great page turning end.
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thanks
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This story does have blood in it, though it is against the rules. You did a good job of writing. How did you know I hate cliffhangers??
jk
helloworld13 -
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lol i hate em too, and it doesnt have blood in it, it has rat "juice" in it
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wooooooo
i loved it the begining kinnda scared me but then i was alright. not to offend you that it scared me. i don't like blood!!!! great dialog and thanks for joining our group!!! really it was getting lonely around here all by myself!!! kidding great story!!!!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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lol
tyvm for the comment =p
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