Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh--Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
If you're thinking the answer is "SpongeBob Squarepants", you're wrong. It's Vinny the Flaky Armadillo. He came into possession of the pineapple after the sponge decided to skim profits off of certain drug transactions he was overseeing, and consequently met with an untimely demise. Vinny was a more reliable mob hand, one that could be trusted in his dishonesty. After all, "Flaky" was more than just a reference to his leprosy. Vinny moved into the pineapple and, after holding his breath for several minutes, promptly drowned. He posthumously came to the conclusion that he was not, in fact, a sea creature.
The pineapple was given to Sidney Worthington Eel, Esquire, who was, in fact, a sea creature. He was the James Bond of the organization, able to slip into high security areas (provided they were aquatic) and neutralize the enemy. His network-hacking abilities were unparalleled and his martial arts training was unperpindiculared. His rich family provided him with everything, and it was their contributions to the organization that elevated him to Keeper of the Pineapple. Sidney moved into the pineapple, where he quickly discovered a latent citrus allergy that caused him to swell up painfully. As he tried to escape, a scuba clown mistook him for a balloon and folded him into a giraffe, which he handed to a young sea urchin whose spines instantly popped Sidney.
Machine Gun Manfred was next on the list of recipients. He was tougher than any allergy and scarier than any scuba clown. Manfred had once been a man, but after he'd personally declared war on Africa, a witch doctor had voodoo-tized him into a water monkey. He didn't mind so much: his tail allowed him to hold an extra gun (before he could only fire four at once, which was greatly embarrassing in his family). When the organization needed someone silenced (killed), out of the country (killed), or assassinated (raped), they called Manfred (or promised food to orphans). Manfred moved into the pineapple successfully (his lungs were tough enough to wring the O out of H2O), but before long his sharply honed reflexes proved to be too sharply honed, when a twitch of his tail sparked a firefight that left him (and his tail) looking like swiss cheese that got in a fight with a hole puncher.
My iguana and I had just opened our Exorcism Agency when the organization called us. They told us about the cursed pineapple under the sea, and offered us a hefty sum to take care of it. We loaded the props we'd stolen from the set of Ghostbusters into the car we'd stolen from the set of Ghostbusters and let Bill Murray (who we'd stolen from the set of Ghostbusters) out of his cage to drive us there. At the water's edge, we released the ghost of Moses on the condition that he part the sea before he left to wreak havoc on New York. That done, we walked on dry ground to the pineapple. It didn't look very threatening. Bill Murray and I began a seance, but that was only to distract the spirits while the iguana planted explosives inside. Unfortunately, he forgot about setting the timer and pushed the "Explode Now" button. His body absorbed most of the explosion and the pineapple remained undamaged (although the interior was now iguana green). I made a mental note to visit the iguana store later.
Using Bill Murray as a shield, I rushed into the pineapple, where I accidentally impaled him on a doorknob. I fought my way deeper and deeper into the deathfruit until I tripped on a snail and broke my arm. My only chance was to fire the rocket launcher that I'd had surgically implanted in my knee (very uncomfortable) in case of emergency. With my good hand, I rushed to find the launch button on my thigh, and with my bad hand, I crushed the snail. Its shell pierced my skin, causing an infection that quickly spread through my entire body. Machine Gun Manfred (who had reincarnated as one of my white blood cells) engaged the infection in a massive miniature war that raged throughout my body. The battle was so intense that all of my internal organs were irreparably damaged and the rocket launcher self-destructed, killing me.
The organization provided us all with lavish funerals and statues in our honor. Al Gore performed a group eulogy that somehow identified global warming as the cause of our deaths. Everyone ridiculed him and he lived miserably ever after. The end.
A contest entry
- Anything you want by Taylor Renee.
200 points, ended February 9, 2007, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SUper natural by Melli.
115 points, ended March 19, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Surprise Me by kelseyo.
175 points, ended March 2, 2007, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Animals by xhappyxrainbowsx.
120 points, ended June 26, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Parodies of Spongebob (for spongebob fanatics) by Miss South Carolina.
100 points, ended July 8, 2007, 1 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - We're All Unique by ladynigritude.
1400 points, ended September 1, 2007, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Run it through the wringer one more time by Rosemary.
175 points, ended October 11, 2007, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Haunted Places by Marta.
100 points, ended October 11, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short stuff (<1000) by Vanilla King.
350 points, ended October 31, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please don't let Al Gore speak at my funeral
Comments
1 - 49 of 49
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Laughing my ass off big time! This was a very amusing and humorous story! Great job!
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Lol, that was funny xD Very, very nice. xD
Grammar and language was good, randomness and originality was even better. It made me chuckle quite a few times, which is good, 'cause I never actually laugh out loud behind my computer.
Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Where does this fit in with Haunted Houses?
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It's a pineapple house.
And it's cursed.
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REALLY???????
Man this was funny, killing everyone. A not a happily ever after ending story... man i love that. hehe
I really loved the Al Gore and machine gun part of the story. Only thing I wished Spongebob died, lol.
Great Job! -
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He did...
That's what it meant by "untimely demise."
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PS
You forgot to do that thing in the author's notes -
Unique story
You have a way of putting the oddest things together to make a story. Good luck with the contest. -
Omg, this is hilarious. But wait... you mean it wasn't global warming? I mean, what if the CO2 levels were high in the rocket launcher, all because of the factories and the sun may have caused the gun to overheat, which may be rthe primary cause in your death.
Lol, don't let me speak at your funeral either. Great job though.
-Kevan
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By God, you're right! This changes everything; they'll have to reopen the investigation, redo the autopsies, and maybe even apologize to Al Gore. And here I thought he was just being an attention whore.
Thanks for reading!
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I will never look at spungbob the same agian. Very funny and difrent.
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Very funny! This cheered my slightly stressful evening right up. I liked the parts about Moses, Al Gore, and Machine Gun Manfred reincarnated as a white blood cell. And poor iguana!! I should report you for…animal abuse or something!
I also like your invention of the word “unperpindiculared.” I almost thought you actually did it on accident and spelled it wrong… Silly me.
Thank you for entering my contest!
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i love that!!
assassinated (raped)
wow...
it wasn't your best work but there were some amazing parts where I thought my lungs were going to split from laughing
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Oh my gosh!! ILHAMCMMTICOS (I'm laughing hysterically at my computer; my mom thinks I'm crazy or something!)
This was really funny! keep it up! I luv this kind of humor
Luv, IMqueen
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Then you'll probably like my other stories
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My favourite part was “At the water's edge, we released the ghost of Moses on the condition that he part the sea before he left to wreak havoc on New York.” Your biblical connotations are always the most hilarious to me! You’re probably the best humour writer I’ve come across. *hands over three clappy men, forgot iguana at home* I even laughed when I read the other comments! Thanks for the great read, it always brightens my day.
P.S. shame on you for leaving out Patrick ( the starfish from Spongebob ) in this story!
♥NewGuy90
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Actually, Patrick auditioned for the role of the iguana...but he was pink and not at all iguana-y. We could only let him be a stunt double.
Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the clappy men
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that was very interesting, nothing close to what i was expecting, but still a good write, good look in my contest
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LMFFO (laughing my flip flops off)- this was soo freaking hilarious! How in the world do you come up with this stuff?!?!?!?!?! However you do it, I certainly enjoy reading your stories (:
-SARAH
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LMAO. I'm sorry. I must be easily amused or something, but damn, this was funny! I don't read many things that are truly, truly funny, but this was one of them.
There wasn't much wrong structure wise, so nothing to say there, and I am not a great humor critique, so with humor, I say, if it makes me laugh, then it's damned good!
Thanks so much for entering -
This had its moments. The bit about Al Gore was funny, but that'll be old soon. Some parts were rather boring, and over all this is just a bit too ridiculous to be funny, like you're trying to hard. Ease up.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 3, characters: 2.
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i agree with kendra this was hillairous um pee your pants haliarious this is the kind of humor that i can understand and to tell you the truth I LOVE PINeAPPLE that is basically my excuse for reading this story but as i read it i couldn't stop thinking hmm whats he going to say next umm he being you in this story since you are the one that wrote this hmmm and they say that people lose their ability to understand humor as they get older THEIR EVIL AND WRONG
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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haha!
this was so original and funny. i liked it alot. and i especially llove how you put "please dont let Al Gore speak at my funeral".
your really unique. -
hehe! this had me laughing at the beginning and kept me laughing up til the very end! a true delight as all your humorous stories are.
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HA HA HA HA I WAS THINKING SPONGEBODDY BUT I WAS WRONG!!!!
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Crazy
I don't know how you come up with this stuff, it's weird but funny, and oddly enough makes sense. You sure have a good imagination.
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This is even worse than my Stinkerbelle one.
FREAKIN AWESOME!!!
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I like this one also..I would have said too, but they are to many tos there too, to ,two, 2..see.
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Oh, mercy, what a mess. Yeah, Al Gore's not allowed to speak at my funeral either... not that I'll be going aanywhere near that pineapple, or that agency.
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Oh snap. Even with this being an anonymous contest, I know who write this. Who else could think of such a thing? Personally, I would love if Al Gore spoke at my funeral, but to each his own.
xoxo
Kelsey -
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Haha, glad you enjoyed it. Maybe the iguana was a giveaway.
Grrr Al Gore. I can't believe he got two Oscars. What a joke. -
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Oh man! You watched the Oscars? Someone I can discuss the results with!!!!!!
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LOL
I was laughing the entire time! That is indeed a VERY unlucky pineapple. How has Spongebob lived in it for SO LONG?! Maybe he was immuned to the Pinapple Curse.
If you ever see Vinny the Flaky Armadillo, Sidney Worthington Eel, Esquire, Machine Gun Manfred, or Bill Murray tell them I said they're very brave for trying to get rid of the stupid pineapple.
I'm going to try to get rid of it next, but I'm going to stay away from it and just throw a bomb on it.
I wonder if the Ghostbusters people have noticed you stole thier stuff...
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AHEM.
If it KILLED you, how the HECK ARE YOU TELLING THE STORY???
Are you an iguana-owning ghost?
Very funny, even though I still don't get how you died and still told what happened in Spongebob's very unlucky pineapple...
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That's a reasonable question, and it deserves a reasonable answer.
I possessed a nun and made her type it so others would know what happened to me and learn from my mistake. I also possess her when I need to reply to comments. Sometimes the iguanas possess her, but that's just for fun. You should read some of the other stories I die in.
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Very cool! Definitely made me laugh! Great job!
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so many deaths in poor pineapple... Isn't it ever haunted? So, you are dead... but what happened to the iguana? Poor little iguana!!!
I wonder what you've done during the time I was not on SW... Your mind seems to have become enlightened... lol
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This is awesome!
Keep up the good work! -
I! LOVE! THIS! STORY! lol this was so hilarious i read it three times! it was soooo great! it was hilarious. where the hell did u think of it?!?!?! it is the best great job (insider info:might win contest!!!) awesome keep writing!!!
Taylor
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yessssssssssss
i loved it x like a million bazzillion great job on being crazy!!!!!!!! -
.....i wouldn't want al gore speaking at my funeral either.. very imaginative..
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Whoa
This was absolutely nuts. Your stories are getting crazier and crazier and drawing more and more references and making more puns of words than ever, and it's working. Curse you, your stupid stories are awesome.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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So all of the iguana's that you have you buy from the iguana store. I've always assumed you kept them in your pocket.
Lovely story. You are out there, has anyone ever told you that?
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Out where?
Well, after I buy them they go in the pocket. It's a special pocket. I bought it from a scuba clown. You wouldn't believe how many iguanas I can get in there.
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An armadillo with leprosy! But then he died... He would have sooner or later.
A water-monkey? Like a sea-monkey?
Everyone died. Yes they did... but then... what became of the pineapple? -
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A giant sea monkey. Made of water. Or something. I don't know. Must you question everything? As for the pineapple, Al Gore moved into it, but he was so boring and depressing that it committed citruscide. Hm. I wish I'd thought of that earlier, darn you.
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Whaaaaaaaaaat???
Sponge Bob Squarepants! I love Patrick (Starfish..) ^________^ Haha, what a tribute, what a tribute! *claps like an entertained child* Glad to see an iguana back.
"He was tougher than any allergy... water monkey" Your ideas are just simply... AMAZING.
You even took Moses out and used him here!!! And that machingun on your knee, ah, I bet it WAS uncomfortable... but Astroboy is still top with the gun on his hips (as a kid, I thought he shoots bullets out of his... butt).
Not sure what Al Gore did today or yesterday or what (in fact, I only know he was Vice President or something), but since he got this out of you, GREAT!!! and BRAVO
Edited: This had a monkey in this. Didn't
a have a monkey contest?
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Very very good!
I like this very much.
Where the hell do you come up with this stuff from?
I do hope it is not Dutch cigarettes!
I laughed during reading this.
All the best.
jsdk
beginning: 3, language: 4, ending: 4, characters: 3.
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You are not right, seriously not right in the head. *shakes my head but can't stop laughing. This was as always hilarous. I love the detail of it and the way it flows. I can't even say it needs more detail because that would most likely kill the piece (no pun intended)
You get your ideas from the oddest of places. Great story.
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