Chapter I -- About my dad
I was born in Scunthorpe general hospital. I was three months premature and only 3lbs 9oz and I was in the special care baby unit. I got christened in the hospital as they thought I would not make it, but I’m glad to say I did. After six months in the hospital I was released so I could go home and be with my family and start to live my life. A year later my brother was born and it was great as I grew up being with my brother and sisters. We loved each other dearly till one day when I was six. My mum was in the hospital having a major operation and we were at home with my dad.
He got very angry with me crying and asked my older sister to shut me up, but she couldn’t and I wish she had, as my dad grabbed me and took me to my room and beat me. Then he left me alone to cry silently.
This happened on more than one occasion and it hurt less every time as I got use to it. He never did it in front of my mum and told me never to tell her. I wish I had as maybe it would have stopped.
When I was ten my mum had just come out of hospital after yet another operation, this time to have her other kneecap removed. She was in a wheelchair and my mum kicked my dad out and it was like I got my life back.
We told her everything. She blamed herself but how could she have stopped it: she was in hospital and not at home when it did happen. But deep inside me I blamed her, too, for not protecting me. We even had to have visits with him -- it was awful. All he talked about was when would he get his stuff.
My mum let him come see us at Christmas 1996, as he had got us presents and the court ordered it. I remember it like yesterday: he walked in and did not even acknowledge us kids -- he walked straight passed and made him self at home.
He gave us our presents and I said, "Thanks, Glyn", and he slapped me and said, "I’m your dad -- never call me that again." I just screamed a dad would not beat his children. Then my mum came over and my dad picked her up by the neck and pinned her to the wall. She could not even move. She did manage though to raise her crutch up to his balls, and then out of nowhere my brother just started punching my dad and would not stop.
The police were called by our next door neighbours. They said they were going to have to arrest my brother. How cruel is this society to arrest a nine year old for sticking up for his mum, sisters and most of all himself against a bully and child beater.
Eventually the day came. My mum was in court for the custody battle and she won. All I can remember of that day, was getting told that we will never had to see him again, and crying with a sense of relief.
Author notes
hi please let me know what you think and if there is any part that sounds wrong thanks
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Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Hey, now with a bit of work, this is a masterpiece in the making! Slick up on the descriptive side a bit :-)
Ryan
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I agree with Syren... More emotions are needed, it seems too short. If it is from memory and from personal experience then speak it out more in your writing. The plot was great, but it was just too short to give anyone that "Awww..." moment, you know, the one that makes you want to cry of happiness? Keep working on it!
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If you are writing this as a true story then leaving out the emotions is doable. But if you are writing fiction then more emotions is needed. I'm not saying that there wasn't any emotion it just needed more. I know nothing of an abusive home, abusive relationships is another matter so for me I would have taken the emotions from that experience; helplessness, anger, rejection, etc...
This is a good story line and I would love to see it expanded more.
~*Brooke*~ -
Truth?
Is this true? Or what? because it sounds soooo real. Its like the whole thing happened right before my eyes. Like a dream so realistic that you wake up to find it was only a dream. The whole thing is such a great... autobio that you could produce it and sell it if you wanted to. -
Good story... but it tends to bounce around a bit... I like the plot though... intresting... it makes you want to read more...
Penny x x x -
good
This story is very genuine in that the experience has been well explained. While I read it - it seems rather devoid of emotion, which maybe was your goal, somewhat out of body/ retrospective - looking back.
You've titled it Chapter 1 but your story bounced throughtout this life (yours or your narrators), finally ending where the mother gets custody, you might want to address that and change it to something other. A Chapter 1 of this type of story would probably start as you did, looking back when you were born and maybe talking about how others described your childhood until you could remember it.
Once you remember specific events, if possible, unless you are going for emotionless, you might want to add a little more feeling and expresssion. Things that are remembered in violence, facial expression, eyes, mouths. Also you mentioned brothers and sisters, but things that you may have seen done to them is not mention, nor anything that maybe they might have said or done, you might want to include something like that.
As you got older you would progress to other chapters and then end with the final removal of the father from your life.
Hope this was helpful. A very good read!
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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hi and thanks
hi and thank you for your comment i will progress on it as i find it easier to handle to put everything in feelings but my book/story will not finish of with my mother getting custody it will finish after i have gone through my teenage years of rebeling and getting attacked then to the age i am now but thank for your comment and i dont really know how to write first story ever dont uusally read except poems lol -
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you have a very good concept of what you want to write, so that's really all you need to write
If you love poems then you're probably a big fan of metaphors and you might find it easier to express fear and rage, through poetic metaphors. Don't be afraid to consult some of your favorite poets and incorporate your interpreted meaning of their words into your writing. It might be more helpful to express yourself that way without dragging your mind down memory lane and opening old wounds. Unless that's of course, your goal.
I have a feeling this is going to be a very tragic yet courageous story and if it is indeed your story, then I salute you for your triumph.
Good Luck.
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Good sense
THE STORY OF MY LIFE
This sad little story is clearly written from beginning to
End. It holds the reader’s attention by the unbelievable.Nothing sounds wrong.
cruelty and injustice of a father towards his children.
Violence in the home is very prevalent today. It is
pitiful that children have to be involved in their
attempts to protect those family members they
love. There is no dialogue or characterization, hence the low mark. But this does not matter as the story is autobiographical.
Thanks.
Margaretinoz
beginning: 4, language: 1, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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A good try
I suspect this story might be based on personal experience. The starkness and the matter of fact reportage style is some what reminiscent of a statement to some authority rather than a story. Although it may be painful for you I suggest you try to rewrite some of it so that is less stilted. A good try anyway, keep at the writing
beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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Relief...
This poem was so deep...Im sure you feel relieved to have it out...I'm sorry you had to go through that pain, but I am glad that you learned to put it past you...you are a strong one...not many can say that...I wish the best of life to you!!! God Bless!!!
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This one has a nice flow front to back
it was full of detail, all of it interesting and easy to relate to in a painful way, and the characterizations were dead on because they were believable. i found no timeline or characterization problems. the story has message. this is tenderly written which makes it even more effective considering the subject matter. thank you for this fine and instructive write on your life. ,,,Danni
beginning: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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did the lady have to stay at the hospital 4 years .. i think that the time line is incorrect
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I said no adult material and you have this categorized as such.
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Very well written.
I enjoyed reading this piece very much.
Your descriptions are spot on as is the style you write in for this topic, I liked the sentance stucture as they had quite an impact at the correct moments.
The pace, feel and flow of the whole piece is also first class.
All the best.
jsdk
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 3.
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A well-expressed true story ...
written to relief all the agony and pain syllable by syllable. It is like breaking down the vault of silence in which you were kept all your life. How brave you are. Chapter by chapter you will heal, until you soar ...
As you did HERE.
Love.
Myra
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Wow. If this story is true, then you had a lot of courage in you to have written it and posted it up.
This was really sad. Thanks for sharing.
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