Beyond...

The rapture happened long ago now peace is upon the new world of Eden, a small providence between Heaven and Hell. It turns out that to avoid temptation from Satan; God has put us in his sight to be looked upon. Humans, however, unless pure of heart are unaware that they are not on Earth anymore. I, although just a kid, am.

When I was six an angel came to me and said, "State your morals."

I said, " What should they be?"

Then he answered me, "You will know in time," and disappeared.

Early the next morning a demon appeared in my bedroom doorway and said, "No matter what you do Satan will have you!"

He lingered for a second then vanished.

Two weeks time had passed since the angel had come. I hadn't told anyone about my two encounters, but I did pay a lot more attention in my history class, since we were learning about the pre-rapture Earth. It is amazing how it managed to have all that sin and still be better than Hell. I was writing my response paper when I was told to go to the front of the school. When I reached the front of the school I was greeted by the angel. This time I answered the question as if it was the first time I had heard it,

I said, "To be the reprimander of peace."

The angel gave me a peculiar look as if silently in his mind he was laughing at me. Then he asked me to explain my answer after I finished my explanation he said,

"Oh you mean the protector of peace; good now follow me."

The angel lead me to the timid land of Pearly Gates, about five cloud lengths away from Heaven. As he greeted St. Peter at the golden gates of Heaven and resumed to leading me into Heaven; the angel turned to me and said,

"Welcome to Heaven, you are here because God has seen something very promising in your future; I pray we won't regret it."

Curiously, I started to wonder if my mother has noticed that I was missing; so I turned to the angel and asked him if she knew I wasn't at school. He said,

"God has already told your mother that you are with me and going to be living here in Heaven." Then the angel turned to a table and picked up a white shirt, pants, and hat; then he turned to me and said,

"These are your dress clothes, God's gift to you; put them on."

"Good," he said,"now have a seat."

Puzzled I asked the angel why he wanted me to sit and he told me that my hair was to be cut.

After I was all cleaned up the angel handed me a schedule and he finally told me his name, but I was too busy looking at the schedule that I didn't hear him. I noticed the angel was giving me a funny look, but before I could ask him anything he said,

"I'm not going to repeat my self."

"Well,"I asked him,"do you want to know my name?"

He turned around to face me then said,

"I already know your name, Zyferial."

He then looked at me stern in the eye and said,

"You have been brought here because you have been found pure of heart and if you remain the way you are God will give you a purpose.'

We just came up on a building, when he stopped in his place and said,

"Here is your room-and I'm not going to answer anymore of your questions until I feel you are going to listen to my answers."

He then told me, while giving me a tour of the grounds, that another angel named Ressifeld was my mentor and if I had anymore questions to ask him. Then he made like an angel and was gone.

When I turned around I stood facing a young angel, he said,

"I'm your roommate Fasarield; Ressifeld will be here shortly."

About an hour passed when an angel, with the wisdom of age, came and told us; to come the time is now you two will be reviewed by the patriarch prophets for tasking.

We walked for some time when finally we arrived at a huge courtroom-like setting with angels surrounding all sides. We then stood facing three angels that were set high on a bench above us. We prayed then sat.

The patriarch prophets called Fasarield to the stand; then Ressifeld read out Fasarield's history and the patriarch prophets turned to Fasarield and said,

"Fasarield, you must prove that your heart has really changed or you will be sent back to which you've came; now Fasarield you are dismissed."

Then the patriarch prophets turned to me and said,

"Zyferial, stand and state your history and morals; but first tell us what the demon said to you."

I told them what the demon said; then I told them about my past.

Before the patriarch prophets left they told me that I would train to become a messenger angel; unless someone thinks you will be able to handle something more difficult. Then they left and I was dismissed.

When I got to my room I noticed that Fasarield wasn't there. Ressifeld must have noticed the look on my face, because he told me that all the angels were meeting to discuss my fate. Before I had a chance to ask him anything he told me to get some rest and then he left.

The next morning Ressifeld woke me up and took me to school. On the way to first period I asked Ressifeld where Fasarield was and he stopped, turned to me and said,

" Fasarield is flying over holes and getting tired as we angels call it; otherwise known as skating on thin ice. He is in counseling and re-education training."

He told me that he would pick me up after school and drop me off at my training; I'm going to be trained as a messenger angel just like the patriarch prophets said.

My first period class was P.E. ( primary education ) My second period class was M.E. ( mental education ) My third period class was C.T. ( concentration and tranquility ) My fourth period class was F.M. ( focus and manifestation ) My fifth period class was H.H. ( history of heaven ) Sixth period was lunch. My seventh period was D.R. ( duty and religion)

After school Ressifeld dropped me off at my first day of training. Once I was inside an angel showed me to my seat and while looking really closely at him I realized that he was the same angel that brought me to Heaven in the first place.

Then I looked back up and realized that the class was leaving, but there was a note on my desk that the angel must have left for me that read,

"Since we both know you won't listen to me; I took the liberty of writing my name down for you. I am Mykal. Now pay attention."

Remembering that the class was leaving before I started reading the angels note, and that it now had left, I ran out of the room so fast that I ran through the class and right over a cliff. One of the angels in the class ran to catch me, but Mykal stopped him and said to me, as I was still falling,

"If you trust God he will save you, but if you don't you will fall faster."

So I cleared my mind of everything, but my faith in God and a force lifted me back to safety right in front of the class. Unable to express my gratitude fast enough I hollered,

"THANK YOU GOD!"

Then the whole class smiled.

At the end of the day Mykal told me if I keep this much faith in god that I would earn my wings sooner than any angel expects. With that said I scurried on back to my room to attend my homework.

The next day in H.H. we learned what happened to make Hell. Apparently Hell did not exist until Lucifer, an angel, got too big for his britches and persuaded one third of the angels that God had to go; in response the remaining angels and God opposed Lucifer and his followers creating an all out civil war in Heaven.

By the time the war was over only God, one half of God's followers, and Lucifer were left alive. God, even after Lucifer's betrayal, showed mercy to Lucifer and locked him in a portion of Heaven. Then God snapped his fingers and condemned that portion of Heaven with eternal darkness and a lake of fire. God then said,

"Lucifer, give me the pleasure to welcome you to Hell."

After school I went to training and learned how to let my mind write for me.

When I got home angels had gathered in front of my and Fasarield's room. I heard an angel say that there was demon in my room, but before I could get a good look Mykal took me away and the next thing I knew I was the one being questioned.

Mykal was asking me questions that I couldn't possibly answer, questions like: How long have you known? Were you in on it? Finally Ressifeld showed up and told Mykal to ease up a bit, then he turned to me and said,

"We got a confession, now we all must go to the trial; I can't be late."

At the trial I noticed two things; the first was a light over the patriarch prophet's heads. The second was that all the angels seemed to bow down to it. Then I realized the light was God and bowed down too. About five minutes later the patriarch prophets said,

"The trial to decide Fasarield's fate is now in session, Ressifeld you may begin."

Ressifeld presented his case; then the patriarch prophets called me to the stand and asked me,

"Do you know what a demon is?"

I answered them,

"I think a demon is an angel that has had a change of faith."

They answered me,

"Good, do you know why Fasarield was raiding your stuff?"

I answered,

"Because he is nosy."

When I answered their question for some reason all the angels burst out laughing. Then the patriarch prophets shot Ressifeld a you-haven't-told-him-yet look and said,

"No, Zyferial, he was raiding your stuff because at your birth a prophecy was written on you that stated: seek the one that is of good and evil for there shall be a war and the side that has him shall rule over Heaven and Hell."

They then clarified that I am the seeker and I am the only one that can find the other half of the prophecy.

The patriarch prophets then told Fasarield that since they couldn't send him back to Hell to speak what he has heard his wings will be cut off and he will be left in exile on Broken Cloud; that no angel can reach without getting stranded there themselves.

Then two angels carried away Fasarield and God extended his hand so they could reach Broken Cloud; then he pulled his hand back when they were safely home. As I was leaving the patriarch prophets confronted me and said,

"Let us know if you are revealed anything."

The next morning when I woke up there was a boy in Fasarield's old bed; so I introduced myself and asked him what his name was. Then Ressifeld walked in and said,

"Ah, Zyferial, I see you have met Zylin he will be attending school with you."

So I asked Ressifeld,

"What kind of training will he have?"

And Ressifeld answered me,

"He will be preforming the same training as you."

Ressifeld then dropped us off at school.

After school we went to training. While we were at training Zylin fell on Barin, an angel that is also flying over broken clouds and also getting tired, twice and and apologized.

When training was over Ressifeld was no where to be found, but Baron was there and he pushed me into the south side wall of the school and started punching Zylin. I looked around for Mykal but he was no where to be found. So with no angel in sight I jumped on Baron, tackled him to the ground and sat on him until Mykal came running out of his office and said,

" That was a very courageous and noble act that you did, Zyferial, taking on someone twice your size to protect someone half your size with out inflicting pain to him; I'm very proud of you."

At that moment Ressifeld showed up and took Zylin to the medic while Mykal took me my room.

When I got to my room I went to bed.

The next morning when I woke up I had wings, but I was so eager to see Zylin that I forgot that I had them; until I reached Zylin's bed at the medic and he said,

"Nice wings, do they fly well?"

I answered him,

"I don't know; I was so eager to see how you were doing that I forgot I had them."

At that moment Ressifeld walked in and said,

"Congratulations, Zyferial, you have earned your wings; now I must show you how to use them, follow me."

Ressifeld lead me to Flyer's Cliff, and after much inspection I noticed it was the same cliff that I fell off of three months ago.

Ressifeld then told me,

"You are not a bird there aren't any air currents in Heaven you must use faith to lift you through the air, but you must still flap your wings."

Then he told me to spread my wings, dive and believe. I couldn't believe it I was actually flying, until another angel crashed right into me; the last thing I saw was Broken Cloud.

When I came to my senses Ressifeld said,

"Don't try to move, you have a broken wing; but it was a good thing that you were there or Barin would have reached Broken Cloud."

Confused I asked Ressifeld,

"How could Baron have reached Broken Cloud with out getting stranded there himself?"

Ressifeld's answer was,

"All angels will eventually recover their strength and if he would have reached Broken cloud we wouldn't be able to clip his wings and he would have been able to get Fasarield off; you see angels will recover, but wings won't grow back."

Later I waltzed on home to my room ashamed that it only took me ten minutes to brake my wing when it had taken me three weeks to earn them. I must have been talking out loud because Zylin walked up behind me and said,

"It isn't your fault; besides at least you have wings."

I thanked him for his up lifting comment then I gawked at the sight of the light, the turned on light, in our room. We walked into our room slowly and cautiously to find that it was a gathering of angels, specifically my teachers, among them was Mykal.

Mykal was sitting on my bed with his face in his hands, he wasn't crying although he might as well have been. When he noticed the peculiar look on my face that was directed towards him, he stood up and asked Zylin to wait outside.

After Zylin was out of the room, Mykal turned to me and said,

"We have horrible news and we have been debating whether to tell you, but we have made the decision to let you decide if you want to hear what we have to say."

So I braced myself and told them that I wanted to know. Then they told me that my mother was murdered by a group of demons that were sent to apprehend me. Through this shock, I managed to pull myself back together and told Mykal that I needed to attend your mother's funeral.

At that moment Mykal said to me,

"Tomorrow I will take to the place where the clouds move thin in Heaven, through them you should be able to see your mother's funeral."

Looking very quizzical, I asked Mykal,

"Why can't I attend my mother's funeral in person?"

He said,

"Because it is just what Satan expects you to do."

With the conversation settled Zylin and I went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning eager to see my mother's funeral. I had just got done getting dressed when a young girl angel barged into my room and said,

"Hello Zyferial, my name is Jafooree, Mykal sent me to take you to you mother's funeral; he also wanted me to tell you that he is sorry that he can't do it himself but a bunch of messages piled up on his desk over night and he has to attend to them. Come now follow me."

She then turned and walked away.

As I was following her, I noticed that she looked a little like Mykal; again I must have said something out loud because she turned abruptly towards me and said,

"Mykal is my father."

About an hour had passed when we reached the thin clouds that allowed me to see my mother's funeral. Only when I looked down it wasn't my mother; I didn't know who it was but it wasn't my mother.

Surprised I told Jafooree this and we left so fast that before we realized it we were flying; I was flying, but I didn't understand my wing was supposed to be broken. Again I was thinking out loud because Jafooree said,

"I'm a helping angel, I help and heal whoever is around me."

Author notes


Every time I use the word told it is to explain things that I don't want to say in a quote because if I said it in a quote then the story might as well be a script.

Lady Madeline I'm entering this story into your contest because my ten year old brother said you are one of the very few good critics on this site and this story could desperately use some grammar help.

This story is the best one I have, but I'm almost positive that it isn't the best of the best.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 26 of 26

  • QueenWolf
    May 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Some Grammar errors in this write... but it doesn't distract from the story, I am not into the religion stuff... but you do have an enjoyable story here. Good luck in my contest.

    ~Queen~


  • RavenChild
    April 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    It reads like a ruff draft. You should of looked it over before entering it in a contest.


  • tabbykat92
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this a lot. There were a few grammar mistakes, and sometimes you lost the pace that was set in the first two or so paragraphs, but other than that, well done. Good luck in the contest.


  • Delfishie
    April 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    hmmm

    You've entered this in a previous contest of mine, so I've already read and reviewed it. Have you changed anything in the story that I should read it again? If so, please tell me.


  • yumesandman
    April 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Firstly, this was an interesting concept.

    I'm a little confused about exactly what's going on, which makes the whole thing a little difficult to read. At parts the writing is awkward, and the descriptions of the characters are rather vague. Also, maybe this was intentional or not, but there were a couple things about Lucifer's fall that I don't remember from Sunday school. ^_^

    It has potential, it just needs a little fine tuning. Still, good job.

  • Delfishie
    April 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    This is SUCH A GREAT PREMISE IDEA! I REALLY love the original setting of your story - there are so many paths you could take with this!

    One thing I would have liked to see more of was information about the human society itself. You gave some basic info, but I wanted more. Like, how involved in the government was God? Or Lucifer? Could people choose which side they wanted to be on while they were still alive? Were there different neighborhoods of pro-god, pro-devil believers?

    Oh, such possibilities!

    There were a LOT of grammar mistakes in here, but not the usual ones you see. Instead, the majority of the problems came from sentence structure. You combine sentences when they should be seperated into two, or add colons or semi-colons instead of periods or nothing at all. I'm not sure what helpful grammar rule I can tell you so you can clear it up, but I figured I'd at least point out the problem.

    Interesting story - so angel-boy's goal is to find this person who will be the decider in the war between heaven and hell? Cool.

    Good job and BRILLIANT PREMISE.


  • Amelia-Anne-Black
    March 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    good

    It's a nice start. There are some spelling and grammer errors, but nothing too drastic. A very nice plot idea. It does lack some detail and character developement. All in all, a nice little story. Thank you for entering my contest. Good luck to you.


  • The Cube
    March 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very good...

    Wow, I realy enjoyed this one. Thanks for entering the Beyond The Fantasy contest. This story was really great. Just enough mystics and fantasy drama to keep a good balance with the action and adventure. Good luck to you!


  • Seachelle
    March 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was a great read and it's very religious... I liked the story very much, and I believe I have read it somewhere before on here... *scratches head*

    Anyways...

    The only thing I think you needed to improve on was description...More sensory and imagery details instead of just informing the reader what is going on. You did a great job! Good luck in the contest??

    <3
    Ana


  • Golden Guardian
    March 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Many good stories that aren't scripts use quotes. All books, practically. But ignoring grammar such as that, it was a good story. Ultimately pure of heart like the main character, wholly naive and good hearted, but it was heaven, so you have a right I suppose. Nice start. You should continue writing.
    -Lyneun


    • Night-Rink
      March 5, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      well whenever I use the word told it mainly is because I want Zyferial to tell the story and want to involve him more I want there to be a difference between conversation which I put in quotations and story telling which follows the word told I feel that the words that follow the word told would be felt stronger if Zyferial were to be the one that spoke them. and I am going to continue the story it is just beginning to end the story is well over 7000 words long. If you would like i could put the told phrases in quotations for your contest.


  • I Am Gun
    February 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow this was really long... i had to go through it twice it was a little hard to follow... but i like the overall idea of it thanks for entering
    chrissy


  • VioletConcept
    February 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    that was a lot of text oh great story and thanks for entering my contest


  • EtherealButterfly
    February 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Well, I've reread it...

    ...and I'm glad that I did. Very very VERY well written. It was a little disquieting, but that was only because the subject of angels and demons makes me a little bit uncomfortable, that's not a bad thing, though. I enjoyed your story very much and am sorry if I upset you before. It's good. I'm curious about the end, it seems to be a cliffhanger...hmmmm...What a way to capture my attention and ponder. Good job!

  • EtherealButterfly
    February 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Oh the spirituality...

    I'd yet to read a story basically about God and Jesus and Satan and demons and sorts like those until you entered my contest. I liked how it was slightly creepy near the beginning with the visit of the demon. It can, however, be better written. Not in the means of imagination, but like with grammar. At some points, I was a little confused with where you were going with it, but that might've been just me. I ain't necessarily the smartest there is...

    Good luck!


  • Oblivion Kitty God silver member
    February 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well, it is certainly original. However, there are numerous spelling and grammatical errors and it was difficult to follow at times. I like the idea of non-material beings eating lunch, though, that's pretty amusing. Good job. I think you're in the finalists.


  • Christa Steiner
    February 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    thanks for the story and I like how you included God and everything. This is an awesome story I hope to see more of your work!!!!!!!!


  • Loonamist
    February 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Good story, but when you have someone saying some thing like and then they told me "you need to do blah blah blah" put the quotation marks around it. Nice plot, some was kind of awkward but I really liked it, thanks!

    • Night-Rink
      February 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i know but when i use the word told i'm not useing it to speak i'm using it it explain fill in extra information that i don't want to be expressed through words


  • Seachelle
    February 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Real cute, I liked it. Good luck in the contest!

  • Night-Rink
    February 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    reason

    I started writing this story after i watched the movies Six Tribulation Judgement and after I read most of the left behind books. The main thing I noticed was all those books were during the tribulation. So I decided to do something different and write about the post rapture life on the new world.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • owlishhunter
    February 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Definitely a different kind of story...I like your take on the whole situation here...interesting seems to be the consensus...so I'll go with that Good job!


  • kkz2343
    February 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! This is very interesting. It's kind of weird how he just gets taken onto heaven out of now where, though. Don't worry, I still like it!! I LOVE THE ENDING!!! It'sooooooo cute! Not like a baby cute, but like a funny cute kind of thing. I luv it!


  • Saint Merman
    February 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, hun I liked this!


    • Night-Rink
      February 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      wow, hun i liked this

      I know I am probably going to sound like chiron but thankies

1 - 26 of 26