Suffering In Silence

I'm only doing it for a portion of a day, but its been one of the most difficult days of my life. For several hours now I've suffered in silence. At first, it was kind of fun, like a new game. It's not so much fun after a couple of hours though.1

As anyone who knows me knows-or at least they were sure of it before today-I'm straight. But because the day of silence is honored primarily by gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders, I'm now suspected to be a lesbian, because apparently that's just how it works. There are plenty of other people who are straight who recognize the day of silence, and honor it in support of those who they know who are GLBT who suffer in silence much of their life. Pretty much all of us are now suspescted homosexuals though. 2

Within fifteen minutes of the time I out my badge on, I got several odd looks from those who I know, and questioning, suspicious, side-long looks from those I don't. I've heard gay jokes, homophobic remarks, insults, and people saying the day of silence is pointless, as is the night of noise. Their prejudice and fear are all too evident, and painful.3

I can't imagine what it's like to feel you can't tell your family and friends WHO YOU ARE. Keeping a secret about something you've done, or something that's happened to you, is hard enough, I know that from personal experience,. But hiding an entire part of who you are actually would be so horrible.4

So many gay and lesbian couples are either both 'in the closet', one is, or even if they're both 'out of the closet' they often still don't feel comfortable, or are too harshly harassed, to make their relationship known. Imagine not being able to hold hands in public. Not tell family members or friends about your relationship. No kissing, hugging, or any other affection, in front of anyone. 5

Relationships are hard enough. The added pressure of hiding a relationship from everyone would make it nearly impossible., Especially in relationships where one is 'in the closet' and one is 'out,' it's pretty much doomed to fail-just because they're the same gender, and in our society, that just isn't acceptable apparently.6

There have been people who have avoided me today. Some who cracked jokes out of nervousness. Many who have attempted to force me to talk 'for fun.' Even more who have just ignored the badge I'm wearing and the neon yellow explanation cards I'm carrying, and attempted to have a regular conversation with me.7

Since I'm not talking, my own boy friend found me unworthy of spending a class period with. Without saying a word to me, or even glancing at me, he just left. He went into the room next door with his friends to play a game on the computer. I can see him through the window in the door. He hasn't come back in here once, or even looked in here at all. He hasn't given it another thought. And why should he-I'm just his girl friend, not even a real friend (his own words), and I'm not talking, and it's class, so we can't make out-so why would he stay in here? And I guess there's no reason to say anything to me, since I can't respond.8

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm that forgettable. That if I'm not talking, I don't matter. If I'm silent, no one cares.  Now I imagine how they must feel. Going through this every day of their life. I'd hate it. I don't know if I could take it. I barely managed today. A whole life of todays is unimaginable.9