Illihandra tilted her head upwards taking in what little sky could be seen through the thick, rainforest trees. The clouds were a brilliant orange, reminding her of the plump, juicy tangerines that had grown so abundantly in her old village.
Illihandra sighed, life in the village had been good, but her mother had decided that they could do better in the great city of Julione. They had set out together that morning, her mother pulling the cart with most of their possesions and Illihandra leading the cow who carried the rest. However, her mother soon found that she could pull the cart much faster than Illihandra could get the cow to go, and decided to go on ahead and find them a place to stay. She had promised to meet Illihandra at the eastern gates of the city.
Time was running short. If she didn't reach the gates before nightfall, they would close, shutting her out for the night. Then her mother would have to do without the bedding that was piled onto the back of the cow, and would give her a severe scolding. But that did not bother Illihandra as much as being left with the night creatures of The Forest. A leopard would not mind eating a wandering girl, though it would probably prefer the old cow.
She quickened her pace, pulling the cow along as fast as she could, which wasn't quite as fast as she could have hoped. She began to ascend a steep hill and could only watch her feet taking one step at a time. Left, right, left right, until the ground didn't rise anymore. At the top of the hill she sat down, breathing heavily.
When she had caught her breath, she rose to see what lay ahead and froze. Before her lay the most beautiful sight that she had ever seen. As she faced the setting sun, she saw a great city, a pearl in the sea of emerald tree tops. The mighty river, Gandolin, ran through the center and two wide bridges stretched across it. On the west side of the river was a great palace, colorful and elegant. It was surrounded by thousands of curving roofs that extended to the strong walls protecting the city. to her right lay the Northern Mountains, ominous giants that reached past the clouds. To her left the trees seemed to go on forever, though she had heard tale of a great lake that Gandolin flowed into. Illihandra let out a sigh as quiet as a breath of wind. It seem to whisper "Julione."
When Illihandra came out of her trance, it was dusk. Only a little of the sun's light remained. She gasped in horror when she saw how far away the gates were and knew she would never make it in time. She set off as fast as she could, dragging the cow behind her.
By the time she reached the gates, it was night, and the only light came from the half moon that hung in the sky. Illihandra called out and pounded on the gates, but no one came to help her. Finally, she sank to the ground with frustrated sobs. When all her tears were gone she just sat, with her back against the gate, until she was lulled to sleep by the slow breathing of the cow.
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"Child," the wind whispered. "Child, wake up." Illihandra opened her eyes. In the light of the moon, she saw the spotted face of a leopard, only inches from hers! Illihandra tried to scream, but she seemed to have lost her voice. "Child, do not be scared," said the leopard. "I am the Mother Leopard. I am here to help you." Illihandra saw the emerald star of royalty on the forehead of the leopard, the same star that was tattooed onto the emperor's forearm. The Mother Leopard spoke again. "Climb on my back." Illihandra did as she said, struggling to pull herself onto the enormous animal. "Hold tight," the leopard warned, before effortlessly bounded up the wall, with Illihandra clinging on for dear life. She paused a moment at the top, then climbed down the other side.
Once on the ground again, a breathless Illihandra slid off the Mother Leopard. She wanted to thank her, but she still couldn't speak. "Do not thank me child," the leopard said "You are the one that will someday help me." She turned towards Illihandra "Hold out your arm." When Illihandra had done so, she pressed the star on her forhead to Illihandra's skin. A searing pain ran up Illihandra's arm and she woke up.
Illihandra clutched her arm, breathing hard. The sky was a light grey, just beginning to show a tinge of pink. She looked around. She was inside the city! She saw the cow a few feet away and wondered how it had gotten in. Illihandra sat there, thinking about her dream until she saw the angry figure of her mother marching towards her. Illihandra stood up to meet her, but was too excited by her dream to worry about the impending punishment.
Author notes
This is a possible beginning to the story with the Scarlema in it.
A contest entry
- ALL FANTASY STORIES COME!! by Yo-Amoro-Tu.
160 points, ended March 27, 2007, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Any suggestions?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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You've got a lot of potential with this story. There's a few punctuation problems (mostly missing commas) but that's easily fixed with a bit of editing.
I'd break up the dialogue a little more. It' gives emphasis on who's speaking when you say it like
he said
she said
for example.
I realize this is only the first chapter so you're not going into too much detail. Let me know if other parts are up yet and I'll check them out. Good start -
Interesting
I bet you have taken a totally different approach to "fantasy" from all the others in the contest. At the very start maybe expand a bit more on the rain forest...somehow the word "canopy" always comes to mind. A bit more attention might be needed to punctuation: a few commas would made a lot of difference. Possibly a bit too much description and not enough action but that is my opinion. Still I like the dream sequence, and nice name choices. Good work.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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This was good, the context held alot of detail and description and you seem to have a good idea on where this is going.
Everythng flows well and you have left off at a good spot which leaves the reader looking for more.
Great job and looking forward to the next part.
Lady Madeline. -
GOOD!!!
It's good, and don't let anyone tell you different - the entire point of writing is to write about what you find interesting (perhaps fantasy isn't a genre specific people should read since they no likey) Anyways this is very intriguing. I wonder how she may help the leopard in the future.
Your description is so far - some of the best that I have come across on story write.
Although you have a slight tendency to tell the reader something and later describe it. You might want to just try describing it, give the reader a little something to put together.
Does that make sense? Okay - ie:
"When Illihandra came out of her trance, it was dusk. Only a little of the sun's light remained." - which is what dusk is.
You could reword and say: When Illihandra came out of her trance only a small glow came from the horizon, barely allowing her to see the distance to the gates.
The description allows the reader to know that it's dusk without being directly told. Your first paragraph is perfect description by the way! I love it! If only you could add "the thick canopy of rainforest trees" - canopy being the top of trees, what you see when you look up
I'm looking forward to reading more.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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BORING!!!
256345 its good -
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hmmm...well tnx for telling me wat u think, rather than lying. But I'm not sure if I want to change it, i like the description. But maybe I'll start writing some stuff that u'll find less "boring"
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yes like emo stuff
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wat kindof name is Illihandra?!?!?!
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Wow!! This is really good! Very good desciption, the world you created was believable. This makes me want to read more!
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A great fantasy! I was going to mention a few things but Climax already mentioned them. Just a little rewording would be it better for some things were either confusing or wordy. However, your descriptions were fantasmic and the flow and pace of the plot was very charismatic and effective.
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Well written and an interesting concept! I like the fantasy set up, and your descriptions gave a clear picture of setting/characters/etc.
There were some things you might want to consider going more indepth with such as the star of royalty and what exactly it entails or how one receives it, or why exactly there weren't enough opportunities in their previous village. Also, a little more view in Illihandra's mind would make her character livelier.
A few things:
"Illihandra tilted her head upwards taking in..." I'd insert a comma after 'upwards'.
"Illihandra sighed, life in the village..." Rather than a comma, you should use a semicolon.
"...left right..." Comma after 'left'.
In paragraph five you use 'lay' in both the first and second sentences, a little too close to each other.
"It seem to whisper..." 'Seemed'.
"...she reached the gates, it was night..." Delete the comma after 'gates'.
"...she just sat, with her back..." Either delete the comma after 'sat' or delete 'with'.
"...leopard, only inches" No comma after 'leopard'.
I'd recommend splitting the eighth paragraph up a little bit. Maybe break it at ' "Child, do not be scared," ' and 'The Mothern Leopard spoke again.'
"...before effortlessly bounded up the wall, with Illihandra..." 'Bounding' and I'd delete the comma after 'wall'.
I'd definitely like to see more. :]
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Great start.
I love fantasy... well, I like a lot of genres ^-^;;
I would like to read more about this. I would be more than willing to read the rest of you continue.
The imagery in this story is also great. I like the imagery A LOT.
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