Sara Thornhill of Bella-Shar lay in a field covered in blood. A battle was going on all around her. No one seemed to notice their princess was dying. Suddenly one of her soldiers came over and knelt down beside her. "Princess, Princess are you alright?" he yelled over the noise of the battle. She tried to speak but couldn't. She could feel her blood pouring out of her and onto the ground. The soldier tried to move her but stopped when she cried out in pain. A man came riding toward them on a horse. "Who is this woman? Why is she in battle?" He asked. "She is our princess, sir. Her name is Sara Thornhill and she's dying." The horseman looked at her and then at the soldier, he would take her to her kingdom. "Thank you, sir. She is from Bella-Shar." the soldier replied and lifted his beloved princess into the mans arms, and watched as they rode away.
Author notes
I've been writing this story for awhile now and i wanted to put it up to see if its any good.
A contest entry
- So You Think You Can Write? by EtherealButterfly.
1225 points, ended October 5, 2007, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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i like this it is good. finish it I want to know how the princess is doing.was it a happy ending for the princess?
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It's an interesting start... like to see more background, but otherwise good read... well done...
DarkOne -
My only problem with this is that it's too short. I WANT MORE!!! lol Thanks for entering my contest!
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You started by catching my attention; stories back in the time when there where knights and lances used in battle always get my attention.
There were a lot of short, choppy sentences, breaking up the story flow.
Each time a person speaks it normally goes on a seperate line, just like a paragraph. This is often counted off if in a contest and an all editors will mention the same thing.
Might suggest the blood "pouring out of her" be pouring out of some place in specific; a wound for instance.
The horseman didn't say he would take her anyplace at all, and at that moment he had no idea where
"her kingdom" was located.
Still the idea is good and with some work you certainly are on the right track. I do hope you work to clean this up and then expand the work because it certainly has possibilities.
Jimbeginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 1.
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Hmmm...
I think if you chose some different words it would convey the emotion better... for example insted of "She could feel... onto the ground." you could say "She struggled to survive as her lifesource continued to seep."... This first part is short so make it as dramatic as possible to catch the reader in the begining and never let go.beginning: 3, language: 1, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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i like the plot a lot. its really good and as angellove said, great potential. ....the one thing is....i think its kinda a little weird that she princess and they treat her like that. i wouldnt want to be princess there! lol, great though, im gonna read 2 soon!
Tay
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Good start, great potential
This has great potential. Have you thought about which point of view you are going to use: the soldier, the princess, another character, an all-seeing narrator? Just be sure to separate speakers when changing from one to another. Having all of the dialogue in the same paragraph with more than one speaker gets confusing as the story gets longer.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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