In the night here I cry,
yet no tears come in my spite,
I have nothing to shed,
even if I try
I am lost in my head,
yet the pain never ends
Why must I depend on her?
God please tell me why?
I have two paths to choose,
each step destroying one I can’t lose
Here I lay helpless,
seeing everything die
Is this what I must do?
Why can’t both come true?
In this conflict,
must destiny decide
Is this what I must be?
Bound by fate,
but Lord can’t you see?
My death is bound to her life
If I’m in Heaven,
will the angels save her in turn?
If I’m in Hell,
will you let her forget me as I burn?
If I am light,
will death comfort her deep inside?
If I am darkness,
will it cover the despair in her mind?
Lord, let me die,
but grant my wish to spare her
Destroy my soul,
but don’t let sorrow be her bind
God, take me now,
as long as she is not in danger
Chain me here,
but let her heart be free in the sky
I don’t care,
if I’m forever trapped between two worlds
As long as she’s safe,
I ask nothing else in return
A contest entry
- Poems by jtnbuck.
175 points, ended February 2, 2007, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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um
it's really hard to read with all of the ...'s
i agree with the person behind me that it is quite over the top, and i personally think it's a little cliché.
I think that if you wrote with more subtlety it would be more relatable, but that's just me. apparently other people like it, and if you like it then i guess it doesn't matter -
You have a nice story here, but it's pretty easy to lose sight of behind all the melodramatic language. The drama would be more tolerable if you used all the words correctly: but, for example, the word "spite" in the first stanza doesn't even make sense.
A good hint for punctuation is to get rid of the line breaks and punctuate sentences like sentences, then put the line breaks back in. Your punctuation is mostly ok, except for too many capitals and missing commas around the word "Lord" in the fifth stanza--and the exclaimation points behind "If I'm in Heaven/Hell," which should actually be commas.
You have an interesting pattern of rhyme and non-rhyme, which I enjoyed. It added a bit of "texture" to this poem.
My verdict: unpublishable, unless you could find a journal specializing in sort of over-the-top romanticism. That's not meant to be an insult to your style: from the comments you've recieved so far, I see that many people enjoy the dramatic. It would just be rather hard to find an editor willing to publish something like this.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this poem. Thanks much for entering the contest!beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Cest la vie^^
Thanks for the honest review, believe it or not I didn't even know some poems required punctuations till I joined your contest. Thanks for the tips and I'll probably post another poem just for the sake of knowing^^
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Oh so inspiring
Really i cant beileive how passionate i got whilst i was reading that its so dramatic and inspiring i totally loved it and you should keep on writing its really good. I loved it .
I truly found it really unique your poetry is like everyone likes it and i loved it so badly i really felt like the poetry sunk in your heart and trances you in to beautiful poetry i mean it was lovely and keep writing !!!
Rewarded 4
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Keeps ya reading!
I wish I could write poetry like this. It shows a selfless love for another person and continuously implies the fact that the character means it. Very cool!beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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AWWWWW! It's so sad! I like it! I almost cried!
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cries
this poem is very powerful you made me cry what made or inspired yoo to write this? why did you choose this selection of words? Does this poem make you sad too? was this inspired by a true event?
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow really good! the ending's great. it sums up the poem beautifully. great job!
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I don’t care
If I’m forever trapped between two worlds
As long as she’s safe
I ask nothing else in return
i like that good job
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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HEALING
Ahoy, stonemkr here and I say ( The Point is Very Clear ) -
Very, very good poem! I liked it alot!
You express the main persons love in a good and convincing way trough this poem, and it becomes emotional and catchy.
Very good work!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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AWESOME!
THAT WAS AMAZING! You really have a knack for writing poetry!!!beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Very Nice
I can feel the emotion in this, very good. Your feelings are very deep, and expressed beautifully, you ought maybe to work on poetry more often! You should run over onto AP if you're looking for constructive critism, the poets over there are great, and very helpful.
Good work, do keep it up!
-UBA- -
so so so grand
i love it!! -
Very well written!
I like this poem/song very much, to sum it up in my own style of language;
"It kicks the arse out of the emotions of the reader."
Well written once again and sorry for the bad language.
All the best.
jsdk
beginning: 4, language: 5, ending: 4.
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Very emo. *nods head approvingly* I would so download the song.
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very good i liked this and loved reading this very nice
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This was amazing. I'm speachless after reading that. It was very deep, and emotional. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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Well done! This is a really good poem and I hope to see/read more of your stories! This is going to have some emotional bring ups at school tomorrow.
Lillsis1994 -
this is lovely really kicks your emotions well done
laura xx
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I think that sometimes, a person could love another so much that s/he is willing to die for his/her beloved.
This poem spoke clearly about that love, the selfless love that most in this world have.. yet to discover
For some reason, this reminded me of the manga Clamp X - Maybe it was because Kamui's chose would affect his bestfriend's future. Gwah.
Really sad, yet beautiful. Thank you for this read, Halley
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Wow
The feelings in this is strong!! I love this very much!!!
I wish I could be as good a writer as you.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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It was really good. You can feel the emotions and suffering. very nice!
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Absolutely amazing!
Oh my gosh, nova you almost had me in tears!
The emotions depicted throughout this piece are so vivid i felt as though i could empathise with you, but i cant, im too selfish.
Great job nova! this is an amazing write! The worsing is perfect and the flow is magnificent!
Keep writing!
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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sounds like a song nice job
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