Drop E'm and Cough
On the whole my physical education or P.E. teachers at secondary school, were for the most part some of the very best teachers I ever had. One hundred percent effort, a reasonable sense of humour, sporting conduct and a hot shower taken at the close of proceedings were all they required to stay off of even the most un-athletic pupils case.
There is, as ever in life, always the exception to the general rule and unfortunately for us Mr. Jenkins or as we referred to him “Bullet Head” was that man. He had lank shoulder length curly black hair and a pencil thin laughable attempt at a handlebar moustache. His narcissism led him to a tendency to wear track suit bottoms that were far too tight leaving nothing to anyone’s imagination as he bullied the boys and leered at the girls (the manky old tosser). “Ten deep knee bends boy! You big Jessie!” was his personal favourite in the shouted across the sports field insult department.
Comments a year or so later he would pay a heavy price for in a certain ruse involving a jogging partner, the vocal talents of Phil da Block and a pint of lager. That again alas is definitely for another time.
He was also a chap completely without a humorous bone in his body, woe betide anyone who let slip any actual swear words during his class, as a demon demonstration in six of the lash would be pending the final whistle.
For our sins Mr. Jenkins the humourless bastard was also a dab hand in the instruction of possibly the very, very, very worst subject on the P.E. curriculum. That subject being the dark art of Scottish country dancing. After all every red-blooded male knows that throwing shapes is for girls and men who are light on their loafers!
Don’t they?
Every year for the two weeks running up to the Christmas school holidays both the boys and girls of the school had to suffer four forty minute periods per week of this total embarrassment. The culmination of this futile instruction was a barn dance/ceilidh in the school hall on the final day of term.
Yes you read correctly, basically a shit kickers ball of which your attendance was compulsory.
Even worse you had to dance due to the fact that Bullet Head made it girls choice every time for partners and you could not say “No!” Never mind “Fuck off!”
To add to our gloomy mood we were now all fourteen years old, which meant the dreaded second year school medical. This meant only one thing; it was time to have your bollocks felt by a complete stranger. I mean why couldn’t they just ask how many you had? The dirty perverts! You are hardly likely to claim more than the standard brace are you?
I am sure all the chaps reading this are familiar with the aforementioned medical examination that takes place at around this hormonal time of change. This medical includes the infamous drop your trousers and cough drill, familiar to the adolescent schoolboy the length of the country.
Tales were thick on the ground of the dire consequences of allowing shall we say, too much blood flow to the nether regions during this examination. According to the school rumour mill, punishments ranged from having it smacked down with a wooden ruler, to the obligatory icy cold bucket of water treatment and even the locker room law that stated that any arousal proved beyond any doubt that you were officially a gay boy.
Only I think the dreaded B.C.G. inoculation administered the year prior, created more tales of woe at the hands of the school doctor and her dreaded bulldog faced accomplice the school nurse.
Appointments for our meeting with fate were dished out to us at our form class a couple of days in advance. These appointments were allocated on an alphabetical basis with three or four chaps summoned for the ultimate in humiliation in fifteen-minute blocks.
Enter in to the piece our hero or villain dependant upon your view point Benny “Scuddy” Smith. A fourteen-year-old boy with a mouth like a sewer, while owning the largest collection of pornographic magazines in the North East of Scotland, thanks to his job as a paper delivery boy where he procured his bedroom literature (Scud Mags).
Scuddy: “Mr. Jenkins I have to go to see the nurse in fifteen minutes, shall I go along and wait now?”
Bullet Head: “Yes boy, take your kit from the locker room and get along there now!
Get straight back here when you are finished!”
After another 30 to 45 minutes of the ritual embarrassment that is Scottish country dancing instruction it was time to take off our dancing shoes i.e. trainers and get along to finish off the day in physics. We were all sitting around in the locker room waiting on the bell to ring to change classes, killing time by severely taking the piss out of each others moves and choice of partners when in to the room walked Scuddy.
Knumbnutts: “How did you get on with the nurse Scuddy? Did she have to use a magnifying glass to find it?
Following this statement and unseen by Scuddy who’s back was to the door, in walked Mr. Jenkins who stood directly behind him.
Scuddy: “No, no! She had to get the other nurse in from next door to give her a hand as she said it was a two-woman job to lift it! Never she said had she seen a tool like it on such a young man!” he said making a fist with his right hand and hanging his arm in-between his legs. “I could tell she wanted it!” he roared.
The room despite Bullet Head’s presence erupted in fits of raucous laughter.
Bullet Head as I had feared found this less than amusing. Grabbing Scuddy by the ear shouting “Smith you are a total disgrace!” while bundling him back in to the gym hall where he dished out three of the belt to the hapless Scuddy telling him he would.
“Go blind if he kept up with his unsavoury manipulations!”
We all laughed out loud at this obvious lie to even the most naive of fourteen year olds, foolishly believing that Mr. Jenkins was actually attempting to get a laugh and therefore somehow bond with us. Once again Bullet Head’s sense of humour bypass continued and every boy in the class was given one of the lash for good measure.
Scuddy however did have the last laugh when he turned up shitfaced to the end of term barn dance/ ceilidh. Declaring to everyone and I quote him directly “I’m out for a shag! That Brenda’s right up for it I recon!”
All this bravado before puking all over Bullet Heads patent leather shoes after an over vigorous rendition of The Dashing White Sergeant with Fat Brenda.
Oh how Mr. Scuddy senior must have laughed at being summoned to collect his pissed up and confused fourteen-year-old letch of a son from a school dance!
Author notes
This is all true only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
A contest entry
- Young Love by Melli.
151 points, ended March 27, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I'm bored, so anything. by Loonamist.
175 points, ended February 19, 2007, 43 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me Laugh by kelseyo.
175 points, ended February 18, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Something to make me laugh by Kitzwa.
135 points, ended February 25, 2007, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Growth of Character by Jennywinnie.
170 points, ended March 6, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Wanna Read! by Amelia-Anne-Black.
114 points, ended March 30, 2007, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Strictly Humor by Kitzwa.
350 points, ended April 23, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - HUGE POINTS!!! by beezy92.
1175 points, ended April 22, 2007, 38 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hopelessly Hilarious by Kevan.
155 points, ended June 6, 2007, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Ch-ch-ch-choices by kelseyo.
205 points, ended May 13, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - LETS LAUGH! (Put your sense of humor on display) by erectmeonit.
145 points, ended August 13, 2007, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Give Me Stories by LostSoulOfRage.
400 points, ended February 4, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 58 of 58
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omg
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OH MY GAWD!! That was great >.< I love how you explained things without.... explaing things, added to the humor.... great job though ^^ just want to remind you, that you'll have to add some of the phrases or words that I add if you realyl want those points... good luck ^^
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Funny story
I get the impression your whole school was filled with stick in the mud teachers and rowdy drunken students. It must of been a grand time indeed.
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Haha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xD...funny stuff you have here...altho the language was a little too complex for me...i guess it's cuz i write simple stuff...but i understood and it was really funny...good job!!!
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I loved it . Oh my god! Yours has been the only story that has managed to give a strong competition to another story titled as 'Suicidal Cliff' , posted in my contest . Shit! Its 6:19am here right now , and I viewed your story around 11pm last night , and just managed to read two paragraphs of it till my mom found out that I was on (because I'm not supposed to be using the net as I'm quite unwell) . But hey , it made me restless at night . I just wanted to read the whole of it , once .
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You lead quite an interesting life don't you? Your teachers are lead weird lives themselves. But this was hilarious, as usual, you may lead and interesting life, but it's funny as hell too!
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i loved this made me laugh so much what follows is what made me laugh
for us Mr. Jenkins or as we referred to him “Bullet Head” was that man. He had lank shoulder length curly black hair and a pencil thin laughable attempt at a handlebar moustache. His narcissism led him to a tendency to wear track suit bottoms that were far too tight leaving nothing to anyone’s imagination as he bullied the boys and leered at the girls (the manky old tosser). “Ten deep knee bends boy! You big Jessie!” was his personal favourite in the shouted across the sports field insult department.
knows that throwing shapes is for girls and men who are light on their loafers!
Bullet Head made it girls choice every time for partners and you could not say “No!” Never mind “Fuck off!”
mean why couldn’t they just ask how many you had? The dirty perverts! You are hardly likely to claim more than the standard brace are you?
fantastic a great read
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I've already read this one, but I still love it. Thanks for entering.
xoxo
Kelsey -
Haha, Excellent! I like this quite a bit actually. It's very funny and even funnier that it's true... if it is, lol. I think I will add this as a favourite. Good luck in my conteat, and your other ones. Great job, and keep it up!
~Kevan~ -
I think that title really made me laugh a lot. It was very unique. The best of luck in the contest.
Kari -
I've read this one before, but I still find it very funny. I like Scuddy's whole "two-woman job" thing. That's hilarious. Good luck in my contest.
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Loved it!
Oh wow. That was great! Best I've seen in a while. I really love your detail and word flow. Very, very well done.
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I really like how you took us into this. Great set up. Well Good Luck in the competition
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Great story. Very clever, easy to understand except for a few phrases that I as an American can't understand, but I can't hold that against you, it's my fault not yours now wouldn't it.
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hey its good
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Ahh yes. I've already read this one. I still love it. I still stink its hilarious. Great job and good luck in my contest.
xoxo
Kelsey -
good
I like it
i hope everyone else will to
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Great
I like your style of writing, really drags me in. Laughed a bit too, great write. Can't wait to see more.
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haha i love it, your quite the author. write more write more i want more i want more. XD
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the way you have written this to put across the humor, like you other peices works well. by putting a slightly more sarcastic view of the actions of the people you are writing about. you make it much more funny and intresting. some of the descriptions could be more clear but only to give a backing to the humor, great piece. lucyx
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Really funny and truthful story. I love your writing style (partly because its quite similar to mine teehee) It was funny but there was still substance and wisdom. Loved it.
Kelsey
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Lol! Very good! You've hit the exact amount of description you should have, I think, in a story that length and it was quite well written. And it was very well paced.
Very good and funny! Each of your stories seems to get better and more well written then the last!
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HAHA that was well worth reading!
LOL it made me laugh well loads
polly -
WOW! I really like it .
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This is really good. I enjoyed it a lot. keep up the good writing. God Bless!
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Wow, this was so funny. If there were any mistakes, I was too busy laughing to see them. Good job!
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Jolly Good!
Wow... this was a good one I must say. Pretty interesting! I love the way you take the reader into the story - it is quite natural...
However, you might want to break the second sentence which is, in my opinion, a little want. Well, it's only my opinion! -_-
also, you could have added some sarcasm and irony... Stories like those you've wriiten here usually contain some, and add a bit of humor in there.
Anyway, apart from some subjective views, it's a good one! -
This is a very good write. I was impressed with your rhythem and wording. You have a style all of your own. Great Job, Keep it up!
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You are a very talented writer! I must say your style is quite interesting! I will be sure to check out some of your other stories! ^_^
It's just that I don't really read these types of stories. So don't mind me. ._.
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*laughs*
That wasn't done when I served my sentence in American schools. I never had my scrotes diddled by Nurse Nazi until I joined the Army at 21, and after a nice look at her face, there was NO chance of 'extra blood flow'....
Nice story, even though I was surprised that Bounce wasn't involved somehow. *laughs*
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Very funny and interesting, good job.
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Lol, okay this was good, you are a very skilled storyteller, and i like this story, made me laugh and made me think of one of my gym coachs keep it flowing
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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HaHaHaHa
I love that you saved the best for last and how you lead up to it. Very, Very funny~ Keep up the great work!!
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AWESOME!
Awesome story i love it keep doing what you do!!!
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Simply hilarious.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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stonemkr
Ahoy, I am all to aware of this problem, of seperating the sexes. I am truely sorry that you have this memory of P.E. I am possitive that with out this type of harrasment from adults in our schools our chidren would excell in all sports, especially the special ones like you. With love and time all of our pain will turn to memories. -
i thought this was quite funny and i liked it you managed to keep me intrested in the whole story and not wonder of so well done
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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lol, your story is entertaining
...And reminded me that we have P.E. tomorrow 
But luckily we don´t have to dance. And no medical examination 
This was very well written. I enjoyed reading. 
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I'm glad my teachers weren't allowed to use corporal punishment. Although mine (evil wench) blamed everything I did on a friend of mine, so maybe it wouldn't have been so bad.
You're missing some commas and hyphens. Forgive my Americanness, but what is a "manky old tosser"? I do enjoy the dialect. The third paragraph isn't very clear. Other than that, a very entertaining story that brings back plenty of bad memories.
*cough*
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Scottish country dancing classes. Bwah-ha-ha!!!
My Gawd I remember just how FUCKing awful they were. Luckily we didn't have an enforced ceilidh at the end of ours.
"Oh how Mr Scuddy senior ....."
Absolutely classic finishing sentence.
Soooo-FUCKing-perb once more.
Three applause for that alone.
(NB - if MDavid below can write 'fuck' in capitals then so can I! I was going to use asterisks instead - but, what-the-FUCK!)
Cheers,
GoNE
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JOLLY GOOD
First, certainly no expert but in my travels all over the world I spent three years working with British personnel. I say that because being a Yank, while I was certainly able to enjoy your story and get a chuckle, understandably your humor would really hit home for those from your neighborhood. I am not suggesting you change it, as much of the charm is when you use your slang expressions or terminology, even if others might not completly understand them.
Your use of words shit, bastard, IN MY OPINION, can add character to your characters who would speak that way, and would rightly be considered a story for more mature readers. BUT IN MY OPINION, when you use the word FUCK you cross over a line that could put your story into a category that might not have as great a readership as you would wish.
As a personal challenge I constantly strive to find ways to say things that by-pass using "bad" words even though as you know I write about adult subjects. It is a personal decision. I would have in that place maybe said, Bugger off or even screw you, which again is adult language but for an adult shouldn't necessarily shock their sensibilities and not detract from your story.
Lastly, I have a real bias for everything from the Isles and so will look forward to reading more.
beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Very entertaining read. Thank goodness, as a female, I never had to put up with that sort of treatment, having no testicles to drop - or not!! I can remember doing the country dancing lessons, but just with the girls. The boys would be doing more macho pursuits - how things have changed, from my schooldays! I love your descriptions of pupils and teachers, etc - they gave me good mental images. Oh to be fourteen again! I would have liked a more detailed ending to the story though, maybe an input from his mum, say a slap round the earhole or something. Good luck with all your writing.
Ann
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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lol
That....was...fucking...hilarious. i loved it. i just started luaghing in the middle of my teacher's speech so, now she and the rest of the class think im stoned >.<. lol, but it's still feckin funny!!
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double check your punctuation, you're missing commas in places
also you misuse words at times "presents" for "presence" for example.
Double checking this and a quick edit will make it the way, I'm assuming you'd like it... perfect.
Another amusing story can't wait for the next one. -
I love your style of writing..you really set the mood and create such imagery..so we can share the characters life as we're reading..good job!
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OMG SCOTTISH COUNTRY DANCING!!!
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LOL! God, i remember middle school dance lessons in pe.... only no one got to choose when I was doing it. I had the same boy for three years, because of our last names... abc order sucks. lol. This was really humorous and relatable, especially to teen boys and grown men, I am sure. Love your description of your terrorizing pe teacher and of course, the drop and cough. You remind me of a male Laurie Notaro, the author of the Idiot Girls series.
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lol
All I can say is Damn! Though can't say I can relate since we never had such physical exams...Thank God!
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LOL
That was funny, lucky we don't have to do that at my school, then that could be because we are all girls.
But yeah that was another funny one I love the way you word your stories and look forward to reading more.
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Well luckiy I didn't go thru that type of thing.
Having a woman checking out my equipment would have been perfectly unbearable!
Now, if it were a male....I might have gotten in line twice.....
One day I will have to print all these and do a spell check. I keep forgetting.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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it was funny but i had to re read the first couple of paragraphs to get use to the way you "order" your sentences. it confused me a little. but like i said i got use to it and i found this story funny and i never had to go through that...thankfully
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very good
i thoughht is was very funny, reminds me of my junior high years, i thought it was very well written except for a few minor comma issues, but i can't talk about that because everybody does that -
I escaped the horrors of PE.
The jock boys told me about this exam. One whispered to me: He stuck his fingers around in my nut sack.
Mr. Evans, the school principal was always coming around our room and dismissing the girls to give us the lecture about the bad, bad boy who wasl always pissing in the urinal with his penis. I got to tired of hearing it. Why didn't he just thrash the penis pisser and get it done with.
There was the art teacher who always made me tote the class drawings back to his office and I am sure he wanted to finger my nut sack but he never did.
There was the pervert who opened his thick woolen coat each winter and pissed for the delight of us young novice willy watchers. I guess he and I became best friend and I even gave him candy and shared my lunch with him. He took me under his wing and I learned to fly.
I hated my silly gym teachers but liked the nice ones. Gym period was so short and I never worked up a sweat so I never had to shower with the jocks. I lost more sweat on my upper lip in math class than in any other academic endeavor.
I liked the jock quality of this story.
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Good Humor
I never had to go through the school physical you speak of. The tale, however; is a very humorous one. Your phrasing is somewhat different, but I am getting more accustomed to it. So, this is a true story. I think you should not only protect the guilty, but encourage them. This was fun.
Andy
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Very, very funny. Maybe there should be more commas in certain sentences, but other than that, it was hysterical!
Mr. Jenkins scares me. I'd be petrified if I got him for a P.E. teacher.
Very funny write, and I can't wait for the next one!
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I would have hated to be that kid scuddy's parents! Very amusing, and just what I needed to read over a cold beer, after finishing work.
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Haha, funny as! Brilliant story and great humor! Just what I needed to read!! Fantastic!
Shady Lane -
No other words can sum up what this one word means ..
WICKED !!!
Its amazing how each story still leaves me laughing from start to finish.
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