"Once upon a time" is usually a very good place for a story to begin. Upon reading those words you know that magic is about to unfold in the following pages. Princesses and their knights and vanquished dragons fill the mind. These stories are ones that we hear when we are very young and that stick in our brains until the day that we die. The best part about “once upon a time?” You know that the Prince will have his Princess and that the kingdom will forever live in peace and harmony. There is always a “happily ever after.” Unfortunately, my story doesn't begin with “once upon a time” and so I'm not going to get my hopes up about a “happily ever after” once I reach the end.
My story begins on a crystal clear night with the stars and moon shinning so brightly that the street lamps along the road became superfluous. The air is fresh and crisp with the smell of an approaching rain and the leaves crunch under my feet as I walk along in the middle of the asphalt strip of road. While this land may sound like a fairy tale where there will be a “happily ever after,” I have to admit that I cannot see it that way at all. As a matter of fact, it is difficult for me to see anything at all. I cannot appreciate the beauty of my eerily silent wonderland. There is water in my eyes that keeps collecting and collecting but refuses to run down my cheeks as any decent tears would do. My focus is to get to the house down the street. Fortunately, I could do that with my eyes closed.
I have never had to sneak out of my house before. I suppose that I have never had a reason to. But tonight, my bedroom was too small and my usually comfortable bed with my heavy blankets seemed suffocating. No one knows that I simply walked out of the front door into my quiet world to escape from myself and be alone. Except maybe my younger brother. His bedroom light was on. But he won't say anything. The house becomes closer with every step and I slow my pace so as to enjoy every moment of my solitude. Suddenly I loathe the idea of being all by myself, as a matter of fact, it scares the shit out of me. I start walking faster again in order to reach Russell's house as quickly as possible without breaking into a run...just in case someone is watching, I don't want to look ridiculous.
I reach the doorway and don't even pause before turning the knob and stepping inside. Russell and I have an understanding, “Mi casa es su casa!” Before I can even get the door closed I'm surrounded. Along with the five people that live in the three bedroomed house, there are four dogs and a cat. The entryway provides a small space for the dogs to come in and take over before you even know what's happening. I squat down to rub the ears of Boo, the pit bull, while my other hand is occupied with bracing myself so that I don't face the threat of being pushed around by a bunch of dogs. Russell raises his hand in greeting, barely even taking his eyes off of the television set. After acknowledging each dog I set off to the couch to join my friend. On the way I scoop up Snickers the cat and cradle her in the crook of one arm before sitting down.
“So, what brings you to my humble abode at such an hour? How on earth did you get past Mom?”
“Well, hello to you too. You know how soundly she sleeps. I simply walked out the front door.”
“Oh. You never sneak out.”
“You don't think I know that?”
I guess that there was a little bit of an edge to my voice because Russell finally turned to me and looked me in the face. The look of sympathy that was already there, even before I had a chance to tell my story was so genuine that goosebumps popped up all over my freckled arms.
“What's wrong?”
All he has to do is ask that one question and I begin to sob. Finally the tears run freely down my cheeks and all I want is for someone to hold me until the end of time. Thankfully enough, I have Russell. Seemingly without a second thought, he leans in close and puts his arms around me. I can't think any more because of how consumed I am by my feelings of sadness, longing, ache and anger. The bubble of happiness that I always have in reserve is gone and I don't know where to look for it. I finally stop searching and give in to the feelings that I've been trying to avoid for the past six hours while lying in bed all alone. The next thing that I feel is a scratching on my arms. I look down and there is Snickers trying to free herself from the emotional tyraid. I can't blame her and let her go.
Russell backs away a little to look me in the face. Because of how long we've been friends and how close we have gotten, no words are necessary, his look tells me all that i need to know; Brandon already told him.
“Let's go to WinCo.”
My favorite words in the world. The consumption of food has to be the only way to escape this feeling. Russell and I pile into his Jeep Cherokee and take off to the grocery store. It's really just around the corner, practically walking distance, but it's damn cold. And I didn't grab a coat before getting out the front door. We drive in silence. There's no need to talk about anything that just happened. I'm sure that Russell feels a little of the guilt, but I really hope that he doesn't feel too horrible about it. I should have seen it coming.
Here's to naiveté.
Author notes
This is the beginning of a story that I started a while ago. I'm really hard on myself and wanted some others' imput.
A contest entry
- I'll Read Anything by Kitzwa.
200 points, ended April 7, 2007, 50 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give it to me! by tabbykat92.
205 points, ended May 1, 2007, 33 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. by asthray.heart.
530 points, ended February 26, 2008, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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i loved the title and all but i could not understand the scenario of your story...
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This was good and emotional thank you for entering in my contest. I shall look out for the rest of the chapters.
Wishn you well my dear and good luck.
Lady Madeline.
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This was interesting. There was good emotion and detail. Good luck in the contest.
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Great voice!
Ooh, the interesting title caught my attention... I shall definitely be following up on this story! But anyway, as for this chapter...The beginning was rather cliche (yes, even cliche in trying...not to be cliche); I really think you should consider changing it... But as for the rest of it, I LOVE the biting sense of humor/sarcasm/cynicism this narration has... The rest of this chapter is a lot more catchier than the beginning is--the beginning just doesn't do the rest of it justice.
I'm gonna bookmark this so I don't forget to read the next chapters when I have more time!
~ [eRi]ca ~
beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Wow, this is great. This looks truly interesting. I would like to read more of this story. Good job with it. Good luck in the contest. God Bless!
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This is a great start! You've drawn the reader in by coming to a mini-climax right in the beginning. And the cliffhanger at the end of chapter one is definite insurance your reader will move on to chapter 2.
One small criticism of grammatical structure - I was thrown off by the sentence "The house becomes closer with every step..." It took me a couple reads to realize your character was headed toward Matt's house, and not back home. I'd consider rewording the sentence to read "Matt's house becomes closer..." and perhaps start a new paragraph there as well.
I was going to say that I thought the first paragraph should be separated to be a prologue, but the second paragraph is too linked, and if you broke off the first paragraph, you'd have to rework that beautiful description of tears in the second, and that works perfectly right now, so...I guess take that comment for what its worth lol.
Again, a great start...I hope you continue this!
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Great story, I'm interested in seeing what happened and what happens next. This is probably one of the most creative titles I've ever seen, and I'm interested in seeing where the title comes into play. Congradulations this story makes the finals.
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First of all, the title is awesome. Its what pulled me to this story [that I somehow managed to stumble across]
I like this first chapter. I'm courious to know what happened to this character.
I also liked a lot of your descriptions, they had a homey feeling. I don't know... I can't explain. It just made me feel safe and long for that security.
nice work.
I'm onto the next chapter now.
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I like your writing style. Descriptive but not overly done. This is a well structured story. Good work.
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Hmmm... I wonder what made er so sad???I'll definitely read more. Good description! I like it so far
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intriguing
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YAY!!!!!!!
yay to this chapter it's awesome!! keep going!!!!!!! LOVE YA LOTS KATE!!! and keep that cute red head of yours up!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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