Angel Of Betrayal CHPT 1

An angel betrayed looks forward to the revenge of the God who banished her…1

Her name is Emily, heaven’s ex-assassin, former Angel of Death, who was cast aside as God became a kind, forgiving soul and she wants revenge upon the father the abandoned her.2

Our story starts when the beloved Emily is first cast out of heaven and thrown brutally to the mortal world; her body flying through the air, crashing into the cold hard unforgiving ground below. 3

"DAMN YOU!!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!” Emily screams to the sky in vain, her cries falling upon the deaf ears of the holy as she stormed off in rage of her betrayal. Her shoulder length black hair flowing in the wind of the up-coming storm, red eyes flashing with anger.4

"Damn that bastard! Up there all high and mighty! How dare he belittle me, a loyal servant for centuries, betrayed!!!” She rants as it begins to rain, she shivers, her naked, well-toned body now getting used to the mortal pain, the cold, for the first time in eons. 5

She laughs, an insane, angry laugh as she stutters, ”Oh great!! How fucking great!!!” Her teeth chatters and she wraps her arms around herself for the warmth it provides. 6

A whistle from a dark ally. 7

“Now what do we got here, Spike?” says an unknown voice. 8

“Well I dunno, Shank, what do we have?” says the supposed Spike. Two men step out from the shadows, dirty. Looking like the kind of guys that rape little girls or deal upper class illegal drugs, the kind of men Emily used to slay. 9

Shank stands barely 5 foot tall, while Spike was in between 6 foot 5 and 7 foot tall. These men seemed to be strange partners, for each contradicted the other, Shank had short reddish brown hair and green eyes, while Spike had long blue and purple hair and red contacts. Spike seemed to be the one with the brains, while Shank seemed just a little clueless, if not just down right moronic. 10

Emily turns to face her attackers and studies them closely, trying to think of what exactly to do, judging them as guilty in the eyes of god, she slips back into her angel ways, and smirks...11

With a smile on her face she says, “Ah, Shank, Spike you dirty old rascals,” grabbing a busted beer bottle from the ground , “If you want me, come and get me.”
Her eyes gleam with blood lust. 12

Spike pulls out a switchblade it glimmers in the rain, “Okay bitch we’re coming.” 13

Shank advances on our nude heroine as Emily jumps over him , grabs him brutally by his nappy hair, and pulling his head back says…14

“Betcha can’t find a good piece of ass in Hell!!!” 15

His eyes widen as she slits his throat. “SHAN--!!!!!” screams Spike in anguish, his wails cut short by the bottle piercing his heart. 16

“Cowards…” smirks Emily as she pulls Shank’s long black trench coat off him. 17

“This’ll do quite nicely”, she says as she slips on his blood stained coat… 18

¤19

20

Our Emily goes on like that for two years, killing and moving so as not to be caught. Unable to rest, unable to get back to any sort of normalcy. When suddenly she comes upon a village of assassins; the roads blood red, and settled down, finally among friends…21

Now, clothed in her assassin’s outfit, and her spiked dog collar, of course; she sits on the roof of the emperor’s cabin. Creeping along the seam of the roof, waiting to attack the ninja's leader.22

“One, two, yes I’m coming for you… three four, you had better lock your doors, five six, it’s a gruesome fix…” Emily sings softly to herself, anticipating the death, loving the chaos. 23

“We have no information on the new assassin…, I’m sorry sir, We were unable to get anything….”, a lower level ninja says to the head ninja. 24

The leader’s face grew red, his eyes glowed yellow and his teeth grew long…25

"You have screwed up for the last time!!” his voice echoes off the walls and all that could be seen from the outside window was blood spatter as the leader devoured the ninja in rage. Emily, watching for the skylight, laughed at the arrogance of the leader…26

“I knew it! Demons…” she smirks.27

“Incubi, they think their so bad… Huh? Wait a minute, aren’t they only supposed to be able to move about in human dreams?” She watches him as he turns back into the frail looking, wrinkled old man in white ninja’s robes.28

She blinks unsure,” I don’t get it, that’s for sure the signs of an incubus….” 29

She watches him as he walks out of the building. 30

“Okay, well, might as well kill him and get it over with”, she sighs, this being the only connection between heaven and hell she had seen in years. 31

She jumps from the roof and lands right in front of the demon. 32

“Time To Die You Evil Scum!!!!” she yells as she charges at him. 33

The incubus laughs,” Mortal!!!” Then he notices something…34

”Emily? “ He grabs her by the throat effortlessly eyes glaring at the scar at the base of her throat…. “It is you, you conniving little bitch!!!” 35

“What The Fuck??! Who are you? How the fuck do you know me? And don’t you fucking DARE call me a Bitch you bastard!” 36

She squirms free of his grip, who the hell is this demon?37

The incubus changes to his true form, a monstrous, yet appealing, demon with shining silver hair and bright blue eyes, as well as a sexy body, complete with a forked tail and bat wings. All the ninjas gasp in surprise and terror, gaping dumbly at the so called leader. 38

“It is I, Arius, Incubus of Passion…” he disappears and is suddenly standing right beside her.39

“Remember??” he says as he licks her cheek, “Those days of solitude? Those days of Lust?” 40

He laughs as she turns to hit him slashing at him with her sword, but with no prevail. 41

"Oh I have to tell Lucifer his little angel is a mortal, tell him his little whore can finally be his….” his sneers and disappears. 42

“ARIUS!!! COME BACK AND FIGHT ME!!! You Fucking Coward!!!” Emily tears up, remembering Lucifer’s promise of love… and the brutal rape that followed that promise… the down payment for his love and protection…43

A contest entry

criticsm needed, this is the first real story i've ever wrote.

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • HaveFaithInEmerson
    April 6, 2007
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    wow

    this was very interesting and well...cool! i definatly want to read more!


  • snickers35612
    January 26, 2007
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    good

    it's really interesting keep up the good work


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    January 26, 2007
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    At first glance it looks marvelous. I like the descriptions of Spike and Shank. In that same paragraph, line 2 '(T)hese men...'
    Paragraph 4 leave the 'e' out of up-coming, last line.
    Yes, Yes and more yes. Much better. Love the descriptions. Keep this up.
    ~*Brooke*~

  • SageSyren Greeters member
    January 26, 2007

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    Ok here goes. The first line and paragraph were great. Got my attention and I wanted to read more. Great job.
    In the second paragraph when your main character yells you should make this a new paragraph. Rule of thumb when a character speaks start a new paragraph.
    New paragraph at 'A whistle from a...'
    Again remember to start a new paragraph everytime a new character speaks.
    New paragraph at 'Two men step...'
    New paragraph at 'With a smile...'
    New Paragraph at 'Spike pulled out...'
    New paragraph at 'Shank advanced and...'
    New paragraph at '"We have no...'
    New paragraph at 'The leader's face...'
    New paragraph at 'She jumps...'
    New paragarph at 'The incubus laughs...'
    New paragraph at 'She stops,...'
    New paragraph at 'The incubus changed...'
    New paragraph at 'She turns to hit...'
    New paragraph at '"Oh I have to tell...'
    New paragraph at '"Arius!!!! (also avoid using to many !!!)...'
    I may not have caught all the paragraphs but this will at least get you started. Your storyline interesting and I will continue to read more of the story as you post it. Not sure what the conflict is yet but the action was well thought out and it kept my attention.
    What I feel is needed is more details and description. I'm not sure what this fallen angel looks like nor what the surround areas look like. What does Arius look like in his true form and what does he look like otherwise? Details will help expand this and make the reader feel like they are in the story with the characters.
    Hope this helps.
    ~*Brooke*~


    • AngelOfBetrayal
      January 26, 2007
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      okay i have changed the story a little, i hope you will read the hopefully improved version and critice all you want, it helps and i appreciate it.

1 - 5 of 5