-Personal Hell-

-I'm sittin in the dark, talkin to myself, why does everybody tell me that I need help? I'm in love with pain-I'll take a needle or a knife, and shove the motherfucker through my wind pipe; just might take a razor blade, dip it in some gas- -
...
Fire...
flames...

all around me.

...


Is my house on fire?
I can smell the smoke, and...


burning flesh-MY flesh.

The world around me looks like a mirage, glowing orange, black and twinkling-wavering in the heart. I lift up my hand and it feels as if an eternity passes before the member appears in front of my slow-movin eyes.
What I see startles me, and I feel the heart racing, but all my body can do is give the ocassional 'stoner's twitch'.
Right below the palm of my hand is a long, deep cut; like a black top road flowing endlessly down a dessert highway.
Beneath I can see the vein, pulsing like an open heart, but instead of blood flowing through, flamces erupt from the wound and lick at my skin. Little orange and blue teeth gnaw at my skin, chewing and spitting it out as chunks of charred, rotting flesh hit the floor with a sickening splat.
The smell is nauseating, but the vomit drips down my mouth, as my body seems unable to lurch foward and disengage the contents of my swirling stomach. Then the fire returns to my memory as the flames from my wrist seem to intermingle with a dull heat protruding from beneath my chin. My hand moves slowly to my neck, and finally reaches it...
But it is numb, my entire body is numb until I press hard, digging polish chipped nails into the flesh until a dull pain tells me- 'this is your flesh'... and this...
is your blood.
Again, my eyes drift down and I realize my clothing is completely covered in blood.
Dear jesus.
I'm bleeding to death and burning alive in my own house-I'm dying in a most brutal sense.
Now, it's a matter of surviving, of getting my rotting body out of this blazing death trap-and into freedom before the end comes.
I try to stand up, but the clock on the wall seems to spin faster and faster and faster as I find myself going slower and slower...



...Behind the flames dark figures suddenly emerge as long forgotten memories invade my dense and clouded mind. They surround me, reaching out, shouts and voices pounding my ears, throbbing my misguided brain.
I hear my sister sobbing, begging not to be alone anymore, wiping the blood from her veins to her mouth and I taste it.
I hear my mother, alone in her room, gasping for air as her lungs cramp and close in on each other. My little brother is beggin me to come home, come home... come home.
His voice grows faint.
I see a shimmer of light and my father is there, kneeling beside his bed... tears fall down his cheeks as his calloused, working hands clasp together and form in front of his face. His words are soft but steady.
'Lord, please, save my children...please, I love them. Lord, I've never asked for anything before in my life-'
and flames engulf him as a familiar face materializes in a horrific flash before my eyes, and my heart feels as if it is jammed into my throat. I try to scream, but vomit just drips out, miving with tears as those hands grab me, ripping at MY body. Teeth sinking in, I can feel the saliva and blood on my neck and shoulders, and hope it doesn't mark. I fall to the floor-and oh how long of a fall it is...
and the pain continues as he lays me on my back and the most sensitive part of my is brutally...victimized...
It seems like an eternity before I feel the familiar warmth and wetness dripping, sticking, collecting...
Two more figures appear then, one a swirling mass of flames that runs against my stomach, killing something I had never told was growing, then quickly blows away... leaving me feeling empty and cold. The other mass stops, hoving above me, then materializes...
You're back... I think, tears welling again in my eyes as those same warm arms wrap around me, whispering, 'I'll never leave you'...
for moments I wish would never end, a silent comfort envelopes me and then-a sudden sharp pain stabs right through my heart, and pierces my soul (a pain one never thought imaginable). I scream- mentally since the noise in my throat still won't emerge and lift my hands up, grabbing at the flames... Please, please don't leave me!
And the flames wash over me as I look down and see the giant butterfly knige protruding from my rib cage.

The darkness seems to come, and so does the numbness.
I'm not going to die...
but for those few moments before the darkness enveloped me...
I.truly.wished.I.Could.
...have you ever felt that way before? the complete emptiness that consumes and squeezes your heart until it bursts and then...
you lay there and say "I want someone to put a bullet in my brain"
and hope like hell that someone truly would?


....the darkness starts to wear off, and I lift my woozy aching head... dried vomit is all over my clothes and desk, miving with the Everclear-leaving a most disgusting smell.
I look at my wrist-dried blood is formed in dripping lines, and I touch my neck... Both hold deep, menacing gashes, but nothing fatal. On the desk bottles of valum, oxycotin, loratab and excedrin lay scattered. Clouds of pills are all around, but only enough taken out to harm someone. However, a couple of larger white pills shine out beyond the rest of them, next to what one may mistake for powdered sugar at first glance-ecstasy....
I look around my uncharred room and begin to sob. Years of pushing away memories and thoughts gone with one night-or, as I look at the calendar, I realize-two nights and three days- of a personal hell.


The toilet flushes as I dispose of my gateways and pick up the phone. three rings and a slow "hello?"
......finally words emerge in a choked sob.
"Daddy, I love you."