Cherlyn looked out her window and smiled at the sunny morning, feeling at peace for a few minutes. Her peace ws broken when she heard her Mothers sobs from the bathroom.
Cherlyn tried to sneak past her brother's room, her aim was not to make eye contact.
As she creap past the door she saw him and his girlfriend sleeping together, as long as she he didn't see her, she'd be able to get out.
Cherlyn creep past and exited the house through the front door, she started to run down the road towards her boyfriend's house.
She crashes through the door to find him sitting on the couch. Cherlyn flew into his arms and started to cry as hard as her body would let her.
"Did you do it again?" Derik asked her in a worried voice. Cherlyn nodded.
"I needed money. He paid me good for it," she sobber holding her arms out "I just couldn't handle it, I feel so dirty." He ran his hands along the cuts in her arm and held her to him.
"You should have come to me." Derik's hands rested on her back.
Derik worried about her and sat up every morning waiting for her. Cherlyn never had sex with Derik, she prostituted herself so she could pay her parents rent.
Derik wanted her to come to him, he had money to give her, infact Derik had mentioned her moving iwht him. Deriks parents adored Cherlyn and wanted her to live in peace.
As her body heaved she had lifted herself onto him and slipped her pants off. Cherlyn stopped crying and smiled at him.
Cherlyn wasn't perfect but she knew it.
A contest entry
- Why is Everyone Pretending?! by asthray.heart.
175 points, ended February 5, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
This didn't have much detail at all, and at first I thought maybe for more of an effect..you can add in some of the small stuff, like why was the mother crying in the begining, was it because her daughter had to get her the money, or whatnot, but then I started to think about why she might have been crying, creating my own synopsis and I really liked that! You left it insanely open ended so that you can imagine yourself, who these people are and what impact they have on each other.
There were a few points where you'd use past tense and then you would use present tense..it's not a big deal though, just a minor thing.
Otherwise, good job!
-
The ending last sentence ruined it. It was sad and you felt sympathetic for Cherlyn until the end. More detail would help, like maybe, what did she look like? More memories! You should have just ended the story with this;
Derik wanted her to come to him, he had money to give her, in fact Derik had mentioned her moving in with him. Deriks parents adored Cherlyn and wanted her to live in peace.
The End
It would have been so much better. The ending just made her seem like a total slut and made people not like the main character. Otherwise, good job! There were a few spelling errors, but other than that, it was good!
-
It's short but that is okay, you also have a few spelling and grammar mistakes too but I am not worried bout them.
At one stage it was a bit confusing where you went from one scene to another but with all that aside excellene and keep it up, good work in the comp.
Adding your comment:
