Her eyes where dark and mysterious with a kind of light I had never seen. Her long dark hair fell around the corner of these eyes, in which I had fallen. I could hardly make out her perfect figure in the dark and couldn't seem to move. Something forced me to live within this moment. As if I would never be alive again. Then without warning she was walking towards me, with an almost heavenly grace. Her hips swaying slowly side to side as she pushed a few strands of stray hair from her face and away from those eyes.
She licked her lips as she stood in front of me. She’s beautiful I thought. “Hello” she said in a soft sweet voice. Yet, still as if terrified I stood not saying a word. All I could do was stare, think, and feel. Is this real? I thought. Is she talking to me? No way. she’s much too beautiful. I felt as if I knew her; as if something was meant to be. Suddenly my thoughts were disrupted, “Well, goodbye.” she said in that soft soothing voice and with a short sweet kiss, she turned and walked away. What just happened, what did I miss? She had asked me to dance, but I was too amazed to answer. I let her slip away. As I watched her fade away into the crowd I whispered “Wait... no...”
“No!” I cried, I was up out of bed. Sweat covered me and I was shaking with fright. “What’s wrong,” Said a voice, a familiar voice. The voice from my dream. With tears I looked into “those eyes.” The eyes of my lover, my dream. The eyes of my life, the mother of my children, the eyes of my wife. “What’s wrong?” She asked again. My reply was “Nothing, nothing” I’m just glad I said yes.
It just takes one dance......
Author notes
Okay well this is my fav story.
When I read your contest I thought, well 'Is This Real' would fit story choices 1,3, and 4. I hope you think so too, I hope to come up with a poem for this contest too if that's okay. Always Jc.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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I really liked this too!
It was so cool that it ended up being his wife!
Your description was good, and the whole evolving of the story was well done.
I really liked this because it really changes from other things we read on here, I am glad that I read this, good job!
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Aw, what a sweet story! I loved the emphasis being on her eyes, but I almost wish it was a little longer, with more detail on the beautiful vision he witnessed in his dream. I think it might make the moment he woke up and saw his wife all the more touching.
Three things I noticed:
"...felt as if I knew her as if something was meant to be." After reading that the first time, I kind of had to do a doubletake and say 'Huh?' Having two 'as if's right there without some sort of pause causes an immediate break in the story's flow. I'd use a semicolon after 'her'.
" “Wait,.... no....” " A comma after wait isn't necessary, and I'd probably stick to the conventional '...' rather than four.
Also, it's just a little too repetitive to use 'slip away' twice in paragraph two, in one sentence right after the other.
Other than that it's very pretty and tender, especially the ending. :]
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Thanks
Thanks for the advice, been along time since I've looked at this on but I liked your thoughts on it.
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Wonderful!
Wow, this was good and realistic too. From the other stories that i read, this is different and unique. You have totallytaken a left turn from the dark magical science-fiction stories others write. This is amazing. The beginning started with descriptions of a lady and it ended off waking from a dream. The ending you have written so perfectly that while I was reading it, I felt everything "he" was feeling. Good write!beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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You used slip away used twice too closely together. Other than that I saw nothing else that needed improvement. I was totally surprised at the end. Considering many of the dark stories I have read I suppose I was assuming it would go in another direction. It was absolutly refreshing.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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how very sweet
I love the plot and the character. I love the dream aspect (I rarely do so that's saying something). You did a good job with the emotions toward the end. At the beginning however I found it somewhat hard to read, your sentences seem to entwined, too full, they need to be reworked a little, I think ( you can ignore me if you like) I found at the beginning that I was going back over the same sentence sometimes 2 or 3 times. It really made the reading less flowy and less enjoyable. I did like the story though, I find it very cute...beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks
Hey thanks for the comment. This is one of my favorit works. I will defently look at the beginning and see what I can come up with. Thank you agin for a great comment, we don't get to many of them anymore it seems.
Always Jc
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What a wonderfully awesome sharing! I think it's very very well done!
Thank you for allowing me to be able to read this! Bravo!
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Good!
Very nice...short, but nice. If it was me, I would have added a little more length to it. -
This was a very sweet story. Good little twist at the end.
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A Beautiful Poem
This was rather beautiful. I can tell you have a romantic side, now all you need is that green eyed myserious girl you're searching for. I hope you find her soon, you deserve a little love and happiness. I do mean that. You are a fine young man. "Good things come to those her wait". Take care, Sandy -
yeah, I love that song, but I swear I wan't anywhere near thinking about that song when I wrote this, I wasn't thinking about the song I swear eather...hehehe. Anyways I'm glad you like it.
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Oh I loved this! It wasn't too long and just gave off such a wonderful feeling. It reminds me of that Garth Brooks song... the Dance, although this had a positive ending, thank the Gods. You're truly a wonderful writer.
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Hey, thanks for the compliment.
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Hey, thanks... No it's just my dream girl and my dream life, just out of my head. I hope someday to meet the girl in my head, but tell then.....Thanks
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Beautiful Write.
Gorgeous. I love the emphasis of the beauty of her eyes. How you wrote this makes me wonder whether or not it is true?? But, either way it is beautiful, and I really hope you keep writing.
Best Of Luck In Life And Love. ~ Poetic Pixie -
Hmmm...short and sweet. That's about all you can say about this, and I mean that as a compliment. Good luck.
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Okay, i get it, Thanks....
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oh no i didn't mean like add more to the story, i love the way it is. i just thought you could breake it up more. for instants when you have the dialogue and a new person is speaking put that as a new paragraph. That was just the way i was taught to write a sotry and i thought i'd clarify what i meant, but for no reason do you have to listen to me I am just trying to give adivce. oh and good luck on the contest!
-karr
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Thanks Karr,
It's an old story, my fav, but old if I knew what I could add to it I would. But I think it stands strong the way it is. Thanks for the comment though. -
Short, but I liked it because it remined me of the song, "I hope you dance' or something like that its a country song that I happen to love. anyway your deatail was pretty good in this and it left my imagination with a wonderful image to create. Maybe, though, you could work on your paragraphs adding a few more. Then again that's just my opinion and you don't by any means have to listen to it.
-karr -
I APPLAUD!
You moved me on this on Jc. I could feel the oppurtunity, placing myself in the possition. Nice -
Magical!
This was stunningly brilliant! You have exquisitely captured the essence of - never pass up that fleeting moment of opportunity, destiny...be alert to the signs when it arrives. Beautifully written piece, not too long, or too short. Perfect! 
May it be so, for you...
~ Maatkara
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wow this is beautiful, I aint much into stories but this one grabbed my attention to the end and what a sweet conclusion.. you are really talkented...well done
keep penning
lisa x -
wow this is awsome! i never herd a story like it and that i accualy liked. it was like nothing else. i was really impressed with your story. can you wright like that every time? Bravo... well it probibly got to get going soon. nice nowing you!
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Great
Wow, this is brilliant. A great story of "what would have happened if...", it reminded me of A Wonderful Life. Also, your story seems so real, I was surprised when you said you were single, because this does seem so like a married man. Once again, great job. Bravo, and I'm going to applaud -
Wow thats beautiful you have an amazing knack of drawing a person into the character like its a movie, like you actually there watching it. you feel for the people in your sotries and poems its almost like you know them. im stunned i truly am i can't think of anything else to say but well done
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Wonderful story! Some say that love does't come in and instant. I believe if it's right..it's right. I met and married my husband within 3 months of meeting him. It's now 25 years later, still going strong!
You say that you are single...with that romantic heart...you won't stay that way for long.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Hugs,
Willow -
Yes, that was very powerful, and the ending was brilliant. Great write mate! Thansk for entering the contest.
-Jake
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